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[54] CHAPTER REVIEW: Cat or Culprit | MLB - by CrackedBrain (Fan Fiction)

Cat or Culprit | MLB by CrackedBrain

The beginning, Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Fan Fiction?? (Genre)
Monsters (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 5.24.2021 -----------

I have good news and bad news and while I know it's in a writer's nature to focus on the bad, I don't mind starting there because I know the good is well worth it.

This was by far one of the hardest reads I've had to do. There are a lot of things factoring into why. The first thing is that English isn't your first language. I want to be clear that other than a few sentences that read strange, the English was in fact very polished. And you are talented. Being able to be so expressive in a language that isn't your own is actually pretty amazing. So while your English level is competent, the other issues with this body of work makes the language issue stand out when it usually wouldn't.

Another factor is your story itself. It's fan fiction but it's not. Since it is fan fiction presented as something else due to its original characters, the author assumes the reader knows this universe and understands how it works. We do not. At least I didn't. I've never seen this show so I was very lost in chapter 1 (yes, I started there). And after having to read chapter 1 twice to try and understand it, I finally gave up and read the prologue. And of course, the prologue did not clarify anything—as most prologues don't.

Finally, the third issue is the technical aspects of the story. From my standpoint, there are mistakes that every writer may make, and you've made EACH and EVERY one of them.

But I can sympathize with you because I've made those mistakes, too. And I'd made them a lot. I'll list off the mistakes here for clarification purposes.

— death to the scenery. Talking-heads syndrome where we get the characters and at times their emotions, but we get no set up. We have no idea where they are, what the room looks like, if they are moving towards something or away from it.

— the dreaded Omniscient POV. This is the POV everyone THINKS they are using, but actually, they are simply succumbing to 'head-hopping' which is a no-no. Instead of seeing the world through ONE character's POV, feelings, anticipations, inner monologue, and desires, we are seeing it from everyone. The reader gets a glimpse (not into what the Main Character INTERPRETS from the bad guy, but rather, we receive his thoughts and desires directly from him. Then her, then him again, then her again, and then him and so on. Head-hopping.

— No clear genre. As I read (without reading the blurb), I was unsure of the genre.

— Massive info dumps that tell us about the world of the story instead of moving us through it.

— too much info too fast. We get new terms, new names, back -to-back-to-back and at rapid speed. Beast, Wattin, Catasian and Integratian etc.

— breaking the fourth-wall. It's understood that a play has 3 walls. The back of the stage, the right side and the left. The front (fourth wall) is the audience. People act like the audience isn't there. When someone turns and DIRECTLY TALKS to the audience (readers) this is breaking the fourth wall, and it's hard to pull off.

— injuring a character before the reader's had a chance to connect with him/her.

— no clear plot. Because the character isn't given a clear path to follow and/or something to find or solve, there is no forward momentum.

And these are just the beginning. There are more issues that can be pointed out.

So that's the bad news and with all that pointed out (that WALL of bad news) then how can I say there is good news?

Despite all the shortcomings stated above, I do NOT think you are a bad writer. A bit unpolished, yes. A bit rough, yes, but bad? Oh, definitely not. Because while your scenery is lacking, your attention to character detail and nuance is not. EACH character voice is distinct and your characters definitely came to life. This is SO difficult for so many authors. Your characters felt real and vivid and that appeals to a lot of readers, myself included. Even your bad guys had layers and that was refreshing.

Also, you do have a way with words. A big portion of the chapters had a great tone for the scene and characters. The inner monologue wasn't forced and the interaction between the MC and the bad guy was believable. Again, not easy to achieve.

But it needs to be stripped down. As of now, we know nothing about our MC. We know nothing about where the MC wants to go, what he/she wants, and the plans to achieve success. I can tell that these characters mean a lot to you. To you they feel real, that may be why you are able to write them with such individual quirks. But there are tools in writing, and I'd argue that you are underutilizing all of them.

The first chapter is also a tool. It should tell us:
— the genre
— the MC
— the time period
— show a life-changing event or decision to set this story in motion
— provide suspense
— hint what's to come going forward (muder, mystery, or mayhem)

As of now, the first chapter doesn't do what a first chapter should.

Things to consider when you are writing your first chapter:
— introduce few characters and let us get to know your MC a bit
— don't keep the characters in one place, move them
— don't leave the characters motionless for too long
— paint the scene. Tell us where the character is quickly
— save some of the data dumps such as a laundry list of what they are and what they can do for later.
— set the characters UP, then knock them DOWN. If a character (for example) wants nothing more than to get an internship to land her dream job, then show her getting the news about it, then celebrating with friends, only to get too hungover to make the first day at work). This is a set up and a knock down and it's also the 'life-changing event/decision)
— show a direct path. As of now, there's so much to learn about the world but it's all coming at us at once. It's overwhelming.
— SHOW don't TELL. Instead of telling us she's got powers, show it. You do achieve this with the teleportation but there's actually pretty heavy telling in this story as is.

As of now, the MC knows everything about her world, but we know nothing. Having to memorize information like a quiz is ineffective because quizzes aren't fun, journeys are.

Good luck. You've got this.

Prologue?
Read.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. Dialogue tags are all over the place and all incorrect. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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