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[33] CHAPTER REVIEW: The Apocalypse Agency (Satire)

The Apocalypse Agency by innofir innofir

Chapter 1 - The Client (Chapter Title)
Satire (Genre)
Earth & the Universe (Themes)
First Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 1.17.2021 -----------

While I have seen a premise similar to this before, I must admit that it's done in a rather fun way here. It's just the style and type of storytelling that I really enjoy. We start off with a bang. Apocalypses are for sale. And someone's just put in a big order.

While we don't get the meaning behind the letters OTU, it was still a very good delivery. This chapter started strong and captured my attention from the beginning.

I have some concerns, however.

First, let's start with the technical review. Your biggest setback is the dialogue tag, or the 'lack thereof.' You frequently leave dialogue unmanned and play 'catch up' by telling us who said it LATER ON. This lessens the impact and interrupts the flow. Instead of us knowing who speaks and us imagining the character voice beforehand, we are presented with it 'after' the fact and, if I'm honest, it made an otherwise fast chapter take MUCH longer (this is not a good thing).

The length of the chapter was good and so were the characters, but a critique is a critique and I intend to be honest.

I feel like I picked up a mint, and as I ate it, it slowly dawned on me that the center of this mint is something else entirely, something that didn't stimulate my interest as much as from the start. The further I went, the less enthusiastic I was to carry on. One reason was the jarring dialogue tag, but the other two reasons were as follows.

CHARACTERS. There were too many. Names came back to back to back, all blending into one faceless mass that I felt no connection to. As they came out of the woodwork, speaking without identity, throwing out dialogue unmanned, it felt more like an ambush by bees than something I eagerly awaited. I got to know the MC for a brief moment, then by the end of chapter 1, he'd turned into a background character in his own book.

The second concern I have is the story itself.

PLOT. What is the problem exactly? They are tasked with an Apocalypse but since it's rather routine for them, they can carry it out efficiently. What is the problem? Every story, even the most basic, has a problem. Something that the MC is trying to do, something that he/she wants, and something that stands in his/her way of getting it.

I do not see that present here.

Overall, I'd say your strong-point is your grammar and humor in some cases. If the turtle and the rabbit were just two characters going about their day, there would be NO story. As of now, there is no problem and therefore, the story hasn't begun yet.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues. (You mentioned in a response that reading the prologue would help understand a key point to the story. But if the story cannot be understood without the prologue, then I don't think that prologue should be a prologue, but rather a first chapter. IMO)

Does this need an edit?
No. There are MANY dialogue tag issues but for the most part, the punctuation is solid. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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