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[5] CHAPTER REVIEW: Black Alice (Teen Fiction)

Black Alice by Afro_Heiress Afro_Heiress

- ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴏɴᴇ ~ ᴀғʀɪᴄᴀɴ ʙᴏʏs ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍᴇʀ (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Bullies (Themes)
First Person Past (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 11.28.2020 -----------

I like the tone of this chapter and the fact that it gets to the conflict right away. Alice is either dreaming or daydreaming, that isn't clear, as we meet her in this story. She's recently come back from a trip in Africa where she's met a boy who she can't stop thinking about.

On the home-front, the reason for her being sent away on that vacation becomes clear.

The premise packs a punch. It touches on important topics that are easy to relate to, no matter the reader's age.

I have a few concerns which I'll detail here.

1. Their names. I... I'm not sure I got this right. The main character's name is ALICE? Her best friend (or sister's) name is ALICIA and then the brother is ALEN? With their names being so similar, I sometimes became lost and had to reread a some paragraphs in order to understand it. It would also help us to know WHO Alicia is.

2. The edit. This is marked 'editing' but it does need an edit, a thorough one. Once the edits are done, I'm sure it'll shine a lot more. For now, the lack of edits is the biggest drawback. Usually I would go through and offer edits but seeing as though you seem to be doing them on your own, I'm sure they'll be fine.

3. The number of characters. We encounter five people right away and it's hard to shuffle through them. Some are mentioned so briefly (the brother) that I wonder if they couldn't be replaced by a character who says more than two sentences, (for example, Alicia)

4. White walls. As of now, when the characters talk, they cease ALL action. All, completely. While this is true in real life (to some degree), it isn't a good idea in fiction. Keeping them in motion at all times if you can.

For now, these are my biggest worries.

The story itself seems to know where it's going and it does start with a viable conflict that can keep a reader's interest. I'm curious about this boy she met, for example, and to know if she'll ever see him again. That is what would hook me to read on.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.

Does this need an edit?
Yes.

Would I read on?

Yes. Despite the editing woes, I'd read on to see where the story was going. For now, I'll await those edits first. Thank you.

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