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[35] CHAPTER REVIEW: Tales Of Common People (Short Stories)

Tales Of Common People By weasley20 weasley20

Stereotypical Aunt- 1 (Chapter Title)
Short Stories(Genre)
Bullies & Consequences (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌗🌚)

---------------- 1.20.2021 -----------

I'm going to start off with the 'bad' but I want you to hold on because the 'good' is coming, too.

Right off the bat, it's obvious that English isn't your first language. As an editor (because this edit took about 1 hour and 30 minutes) this was pretty hard to get through. Nearly every line was missing something. It will always require a pair of eyes from a native speaker to make it polished. Always. I don't think another non-native speaker can fix this for you. Especially not one who speaks your own native language. So please keep that in mind and seek out an editor (just for the basics of fixing unnatural sentences for you). This is a must. You also need to learn more about 'dialogue tags' and 'how to format dialogue.' Please look at my book "Manuscript Critiques" and you will find both written and video tutorials on it.

Now, that was the bad, this is the good.

From an editor's POV, this was rough, but from a reader's POV, it was very enjoyable. You do two things that I would not recommend (and that greatly worried me). First, you used Third Person Omniscient. (That's when we get EVERYONE'S feelings towards things. I.e. her brother's feelings, her mother's feelings, etc.) The second thing you did was put mini-flashbacks right in the first chapter and from two different people. This is something I don't recommend because they don't work well usually.

That being said, they worked well HERE. I really did enjoy them. I also got used to the Omniscient point of view. So from a reader's POV, this first chapter is a real winner. I ended up really liking all the characters, even the bad aunt.

It has tension.
It has mystery.
It has a secret.
It has a clear bad guy.
It has two LIKEABLE MC's (Nidhi / Rajat)
It has a very relatable enemy.

I knew what to expect coming up, and I knew what the book was about. I don't think you understand how DIFFICULT it is for people to tick all these boxes for a first chapter. I do think you have a real winner here as far as first chapters go. Even though you had the mini flashbacks, you didn't spend too much time on it. It was just enough to let us get curious.

Now, this doesn't mean chapter 2 is in good condition, or even chapter 3. I don't know, I've never read them. In fact, this can easily spiral out of control with one wrong move.

But if your only real problem is the English aspect, then I think you'll be more than all right.

I enjoyed this chapter as a reader, and I enjoyed the characters. If I didn't, I wouldn't have edited for over an hour.

Prologue?
None.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are MANY dialogue tag issues. DO NOT edit the 'story'. For the most part, that is solid and VERY strong. It does need TECHNICAL edits, however, for clarity and an easier reading experience. The plot is WELL established.

Would I read on?
Yes. Even with the current shortcomings, I would be eager to jump to the next chapter. But as I am prone to edit, I cannot at this time until it is edited. But I would not mind trying this story out sometime in the future.

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