Intersecting Parallels by Docdrills Docdrills
|| Prelude || (Chapter Title)
Science Fiction (Genre)
Conceptual (Themes)
First Person Past/Present (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 1.18.2021 -----------
The format of using a blog or an internet based interaction is a good idea. It speaks to the times we're in right now and it's easy to visualize it. It's not a tool utilized much now because we tend to look for a visual-high area such as a TV show, or arena to give this type of info setup in our stories.
And while it's a good concept to use the internet and blog format, because this story is about concepts and thus gets information to the mind as directly as possible, it actually mirrors chapter one.
It's a stripped down voice.
In this case I know why you've done it this way and I know why you are trying to make it stick. You have a lot of ideas you need to get to the reader and you want to get it there without interference. You put more value into the concept of the story and less into the delivery.
Because I criticize that delivery does not mean the concept doesn't have merit.
The concept is interesting.
But the delivery matters.
I'd say your current delivery is akin to giving someone a stripped down vitamin shake each morning. Instead of feeding them a salad of varying flavors and colors, they are given a green blended smoothie and a straw. Everything is put in there and it is the same nutritional value as the salad, but it's not for everyone's pallet.
How you deliver your information is what most people will put value in. I mention the scenery, you state it's just useless garnish on a dish. That's true. It may be useless garnish if it's utilized incorrectly. But look at your meal tonight and imagine what you would do if every bit of that meal was put together into a machine, ground down into liquid form, and presented to you instead of that big steak, green veggies, and beer. In essence, it's the same. Everything INSIDE is exactly, EXACTLY the same, but the delivery of one is far more favorable than the other.
For me, your prologue, at this moment, is simply the difference between an essay and a story.
The prologue is essentially a long essay painted with some casual expressions and heavy on the personality aspect. It is still just direct ideas being fed directly at the reader with nothing else.
Situations like these is why I took down the review request aspect of my reviewing book. I do not think you want a review. The longest 1st chapter I've ever read and reviewed was 44 minutes. FORTY-FOUR minutes.
The second longest ran 24 minutes.
A 19-minute chapter does not scare me; I've read historical fiction and high fantasy. In fact, the 44-minute chapter one wasn't a bad read.
That being said, it does take time to go in and analyze a chapter then pinpoint areas that could be tweaked. I sincerely believe you do not want this. Each comment I made to your story, even when it was a question, came back with a response that equated to it's you who is reading it wrong. So all right, I have reviewed the prologue and how it is structured.
But I will say that the prologue mirrors the first chapter in delivery.
Even putting dialogue quotes on information and giving bare information is in essence the written equivalent to the blended food. It's the blending of information and giving it bare without any sort of presentation or decor. It's not any less nutritious or less good, but most people will look at the meal, and look at the shake, and not spend much time debating on which one they'd rather partake in.
It's up to the author to decide how he/she wishes to deliver their information. If you are satisfied with your current delivery, then nothing I say will benefit either you or me.
Personally, I'm giving this shake back.
Prologue?
Read.
Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are some dialogue tag issues. The plot needs to be established.
Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.
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