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[14] CHAPTER REVIEW: Electrified (Paranormal)

Electrified by Lisa_Akinfe Lisa_Akinfe

+One+ : Parents! (Chapter Title)
Paranormal (Genre)
Mates (Themes)
First Person Past/Present (very inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 12.16.2020 -----------

A lot is packed into this one little chapter and it took a few days for me to gather my thoughts to sort through it all.

First, the positives. There were quite a few. Your characters are very distinct. In fact, I'd say your strong point is your narration and getting your reader to invest in the characters. The characters flowed very naturally and I could easily follow them.

The story is also pretty jammed packed. There's a lot of fantasy, which I love, mixed around to make something not quite like anything I've seen in a while. Unique ideas are hard to come by so kudos for that.

It wasn't hard to read and nothing really pulled me out. I will say that it needs editing. The punctuation and grammar is not stellar. I imagine that English isn't your first language and therefore you don't care about the punctuation all that much. That's fine but it does steal some of the chapter's shine.

Another major concern I have is the basic necessity of a first chapter.

What's the problem?

At first I'd thought it was her meeting her mate, since there was so much emphasis put on that. But then her father's situation comes into play. I thought maybe it was that. By the end of the chapter, however, I couldn't say with certainty WHAT the problem was.

Take Little Red Riding Hood. The problem was that the grandmother was all alone and sick. Solution? Take her some medicine and treats. Conflict, bad wolf interfering. Jack and the Beanstalk. Problem: too poor, must sell cow, but gets useless beans. Solution: climb the beanstalk, find treasure. Conflict? Giant.

All stories, no matter how small, have a problem, a solution (goal) and a conflict. I don't see that here. Even if the beginning was to set up the conflict and the possible solution, I did not feel that. Maybe the conflict will be clearer in other chapters, but if that's so, then that's where the story should start.

I believe the current chapter has a lot of heart and it's easy to see that you've spent a lot of time and love on it.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. The punctuation needs cleaning up: dialogue tags, comma splices, etc.

Would I read on?

Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC

...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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