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[51] CHAPTER REVIEW: The Curse Returns (Teen Fiction)

The Curse Returns by Youaremyrayoflight

Packing Up (Chapter Title)
Children's Fiction?? (Genre)
Moving On (Themes)
First Person Present (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 5.07.2021 -----------

It's no secret that I'm no fan of prologues. That is, however, not the reason why I question your prologue here. I was very lost in chapter 1 so I went back to read the prologue. All the setup that was needed in chapter 1 was relegated to a very short prologue and I wasn't sure why it wasn't combined.

A first chapter should:
- show a clear MC (Alex)
- show a clear time period (unsure)
- show a clear genre (again, unsure)
- show a major event/decision (moving)
- show suspense/tension (not present)

English is not your first language but I think you handle the emotional aspect of the story well. I do think it causes confusion though. I'd thought this was a young child due to this part:

I lived here for almost one and a half year, the longest we had lived somewhere after I was six.
I was happy here. I made friends. Not a lot but I did.
I didn't want to go.

After reading the prologue, I realized that maybe the MC was much older so the part 'after' I was six should be 'since I was six.'

Here are some parts that I really liked:

Am I exhausted? Yes but not just physically, I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally too. my mind's numb and so is my body, I'm screaming internally at myself but is it of any use? No. It ain't

This was such a strong way for the MC to present his emotions, but when the same pattern was repeated later on, it took away from its impact. Here:

But did it stop my father from calling me downstairs to put my cartons in the trucks? No it didn't.
I hope it did.

Some parts read a bit choppy, however:

Climbing down the stairs slowing, as if remembering this house for one last time but the journey came to an end at the last step.

It's not 'as if.' I'm very sure the character is supposed to be literally remembering. I suggestion:

While climbing down the stairs, I slow, remembering this house for the last time. That journey through my memories ends at the last step.

Even with the errors, the emotion comes through rather well. Unfortunately, the language issue is an issue. With a good edit, this chapter can shine well. I'd invite you to consider combing the prologue with the first chapter because it gives us much-needed information about the MC. There are other things I found myself asking, such as, how old he is. You also slip from first person PRESENT to first person PAST often which I know isn't intentional. That would need to be addressed in edits.

Overall, it was an enjoyable read and despite the errors, I think it is a very good start.

Prologue?
Read.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. It's confusing in some parts and has sentences that end with no period. Overall, it needs a good edit. However, the plot is already established, which is good.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. I personally don't mind that the English isn't always clear, but I know that a lot of people would.

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