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How could you let this happen?

Alec's POV

I gasped in shock - that was all I could do in this moment. My brain didn't want to believe what my eyes just saw, so it did nothing. It was like I couldn't move, even though I wanted to run. I couldn't talk even though I wanted to scream. Never have I ever experienced something like this but then I started to realize and it hit me.

My knee's started to shake, they were shaking so hard I couldn't even hold myself anymore so I broke down to the floor. If it wasn't for Blake and Elliott holding me, I'd probably just land on my face. My heart felt like it was about to stop beating since it couldn't bare the pain I just felt in it. It wasn't just my heart, it was my whole body that ached.

He jumped. Magnus jumped down the bridge. He jumped because he felt like there was no way to escape. I wanted to run to him, I wanted to save him but I remembered Blake telling me that Magnus probably knew what he was doing and it would be too dangerous to crash the crowd. I shouldn't have listened because maybe then he wouldn't have done it or at least we would have jumped together.

"Alec, we gotta go." I heard Blake say to me. He must have said it several times but only know did I hear it. In shock I looked up and saw everyone. I saw Joelle, who had tears in her eyes, not knowing how to process all of this either. Then I saw Elliott who had this pitying expression on his face and then there was Blake who simply had the expression he always had just this time, there were actual tears in his eyes.

I didn't want to leave, no I wanted to get up and jump right after. Magnus wasn't dead, no there was no way. He must be down there and he needed help - God dammit, he needed me. El and Blake pulled me up and dragged me down the small trail just like we planned. How could they do that? How could they leave without Magnus? That wasn't fair - nothing about that was fair.

"Come on, Alec! Please, we can't drag you all the way." they said, as they stopped for a second, looking at me reproachfully. All I wanted to do was scream at them, yell at them why they wouldn't let me help him but I didn't. No, all I did was looking at Blake and shaking my head.

"Leave me here, just.." I mumbled and Blake kneeled down to look at me outraged. He put his cold hand on my cheek, his eyes were full of anger. "Don't you dare saying this now! We just lost Magnus and we can't lose you now as well! We need you know so get your ass up! At least until we're safe." he commanded, and even though all I wanted was laying there and suffer, I took all my strength together to get up. My legs were still shaking so it was hard to run, but I made it. I made it, because all this bitterness and anger gave me at least a little adrenaline. Without that I'd probably be useless.

My heart felt heavy when I entered the house we lived in. It took us a long time to get here and it was almost unbearable but we made it. I still didn't cry and to be honest, I had no idea why. I had always imagined me crying so heavily that I might suffocate on my own tears but no, that was not the case.

"Guys, oh my god, you're okay! None of you answered my text messaged!" I heard Celine say which made my heart drop. I looked up and saw her looking at me all relieved and all this time I didn't even think one second of her. She didn't know - she didn't know anything and someone had to tell her. Someone had to tell her, that something happened. "What happened? Why are you all looking at me like that?" she wanted to know and luckily it was Elliott who came up to her.

He put his hand slowly on her shoulders, looking at her with this pitying expression. I hated this face, he had the same on me and it made me feel even worse. Celine seemed confused, uncomfortable and anxious. "Celine, something happened while we were gone..." he started whereupon she frowned, looked around and then especially at me.

"W-What do you mean? Where's Magnus?" she wanted to know. Her voice sounded helpless, nervous and heartbroken. I had a feeling that she knew what Elliott was about to tell her and when I just started to shook my head, I saw tears forming in her eyes. She shook her head: "No, no, please tell me he's just out there with Alec's sister. Please, don't tell me something happened to him." she begged and pushed Elliott away but he grabbed her to pull her close.

"I'm sorry, Celine. He's dead." Elliott said and again, Celine just shook her head not wanting to believe what he had just told her. She wanted to push El away but he wouldn't let that happen, because he knew, that she needed him. She needed comfort.

Celine cried out loud, you could call it screaming. She was in pain and I could exactly imagine how she felt. "No! What happened? Why didn't you save him?" she cried out in pain. Her eyes met mine, as she screamed: "How could you let this happen?"

I looked down while my broken heart was shattering again and again and finally the tears came. Without screaming back at Celine or anyone in this room, I turned around just to go to Magnus' room. I slammed the door and let my hands run through my hair.

I felt so many things and I didn't know how to deal with it. I took the things that were standing around and threw it across the room, hoping it would crash. I kicked the bedside table, till it fell down and let myself fall back in bed afterwards. I cried out loud and I was glad I did. It was easier than dealing with all of this inside.