Fluorescents

80

" Sing us a song
A song to keep us warm"

I sing while I pick at the fries Jack bought me, the burger with a small bite laying right next to the almost completely full basket of fries. I watch and feel the salt fall from the now cold fries, my thoughts pacing back and forth against one another.

Everything feels so unreal, the commotion outside so far regardless of its distance and my body nonexistent regardless of its presence. After Jack lifted me from the ground he found himself occupied with the bands, my mind too distraught with thoughts of seeing Alex to continue my work.

Matt: hey

Matt: Text me soon pls

Matt: I haven't heard from you in two days

Matt: Jocelyn pls

Matt: Just lmk you're okay 

The noise of my phone vibrating in its spot fails to shake me as I turn to the side, reading but not even bothering to flinch or react as Matts many messages continue to drown into my phone. He's been messaging me for the past 4 hours continuously but I haven't bothered to text back. This afternoon with Alex, my nightmare from my nap as well as my moment with Jack have all led me back to my own old isolating and self sabatoging ways. It seems to be the only way I ever find peace. Ignoring everyone and pretending I don't exist. 

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I push the blankets over the edges of my bunk and try my best to flatten the sheets along the small barely twin sized mattress hanging above the one below it. The sheets rustle on one side of the mattress as I pull from the other side. I mutter several profanities under my breath and finally give up, curling the sheets into a ball and tossing them on the floor, stepping off the stool and kicking it under the bottom bunk.

" What did the stool ever do to you?"

I jump in my spot, the voice coming from almost nowhere.

" Nothing." I mutter, looking down at my feet. My shoulders instantly tensing up as I begin to count my fingers. " What do you want?" I question in a cold tone, finally stopping my mind from counting and turning to look at him for only a split second before looking away and counting once again.

" I needed to talk to you." His words are soft, almost quiet. " To see you." he continues, my body shaking in its spot as his eyes bare into my side. " Please." He begs in a cracked voice, my silence almost seeming to hurt him. " Can we please talk." He begs once again, his voice getting softer but closer.

" I kinda just want to be left alone right now." I shrug, trying my hardest to not give in, although it pains me not to. I know he's hurt with how much he hurt me earlier and I can't lie and say watching me hurt him doesn't ache as well.

" I'm just asking for 5 minutes love please." He begs again, getting close enough to finally touch my skin with his fingertips. " Im sor-sorry." He cries out practically. " I don't want to hurt you like that ever again Jocelyn please." His hands softly graze my forearm before moving down to my wrist. I flinch at his touch and he moves his hand away, my body instantly missing him and moving closer as I instinctually turn to face him. My body and heart want to give in, to lean and fall into him. To become engulfed in his harms and to have his embrace overwhelm me. But I cant.

" Nothing gonna change." I state in a sharp and cold tone. My words ending in a blunt silence. " You're not any different." I shake my head, as if even i'm not believing what I say and trying to convince myself. " This is what people like you do." I shrug, pushing my hair behind my face as I speak some of my many rambling thoughts. " You're an addict." I say trying my best not to throw up at my own cruel words. " This is how you guys are." Tears well in the corners of my eyes, my words more specific than I wish they would be. " You take and you break, you don't care about anyone else. All that matters is whatever you want. That drug, that high. You'd send me into a hoard of gunmen if it meant you could get your fix." At this point sobs grow in between my words and I try my hardest to compose myself in my spot, my eyes still stuck to the ground.

" You're not right" Tears slide down my face and his hand moves towards them, stopping centimeters away as if asking for permission to wipe them off my face. I nod my head and he proceeds to place his thumb on my cheek, wiping each and every tear. " I want nothing more in this world than you." I know I didn't deserve the way he yelled at me and I should be angry at him and storm off or tell him to fuck off but I can't. " It's just me and you, nothing else. No one else." I missed him so much these last several hours and no matter how much the pain of his tone and what he said replayed inside of me, the hardest part was not having him with me and not being able to hear him altogether.

"Alex-" I whisper in my congested tone and without a second thought I lean forward into his arms, our lips crashing into one another and molding together in an instant. His hands find the side of my face and mine find his waist, trailing down to his hips and pulling at his shirt up and over his head, his bare skin against my fingertips within a matter of seconds. I desperately quicken the pace of the kiss, my teeth tugging at his bottom lip as he tries to slow us down, moving his body back as i grind mine against his.

" Jocelyn-" I hear him against my lips, the sound causing a moan to erupt from mine. " Jocelyn-" he mutters again, becoming more and more hesitant in our kiss.

" Alex-" I moan against his, my hands trailing my own body as I lower my own pants. His hands stay pressed against the side of my face but I grab at them and force them down. His hands palming my ass once he realizes what I want. " I want you." I moan as his lips and tongue trail down to my neck. He groans against my skin at my confession and pulls me closer, backtracking on the bus until we reach the communal living area. He lays himself on the couch and I follow him down my legs spread across his lap as we continue to grab and grope at one another. " I want you soooo bad." I moan out again, Alex practically moaning back into my neck before finding and connecting our lips once again. Yet sooner than I expected he removes his lips from mine. One of his hands continues to grope my ass but the one placed on my waist grabs at my face, cupping it harshly as he forces me to look at him.

" I need you Jocelyn." He speaks as his eyes glare into me. " Tell me you need me too." I swallow a lump in my throat, the wetness in my panties growing as he continues. " You don't want me, tell me you need me." He demands again, the grasp on my face getting tighter and tighter. I nod my head, speechless. " Tell me" He demands again, lifting himself up and my legs struggling to stand on the floor as he hovers above me.

" I need you." I repeat, gazing at the beautiful and sexy man above me. " I need you more than anything Alex" I repeat, much too infatuated to recognize just how vulnerable I am.

" Good Girl." he mutters, grabbing at my ass until he reaches my lower thighs, his palms a rapping around them as he carries my heavy body onto his, my legs wrapping around his waist as he turns us around, leading us to the very back of the bus that holds the large bed at the very back past all the bunks. He shuts the door behind us, making out with me vicariously before he tosses me onto the bed, his hands tracing every inch of my legs before he reaches my hips and finds my panties, his fingers digging into the meat on my sides can his lips kissing my kneecaps as he does this. My body shudders under his touch as he continues up to my waist then up to my breasts, palming them under my shirt before he gets anxious and finds the hem of my shirt and lifts it up my chest and past my neck and head to leave me completely exposed from the waist up. " You're so beautiful." he mutters, kissing the fat on my stomach and nibbling on my love handles as he continues to palm both of my breasts.

Around him my body is nothing less than art and he spends every second we're together reminding me of it.

" Alex-" I moan out again, trailing my fingernails across his shoulders and down his back, admiring every bump and imperfection along it.

" I'm-not-" He kisses my lips, stopping and letting me breathe in between as he speaks. " gonna- lose- you" I nod my head and yank at his neck to pull him closer, no longer giving him the opportunity to pull away. His hands find mine and we intertwine, our bodies falling on top of each other and colliding with every kiss.

A/N: My best friend died yall.....sorryyyyyyyyyy i had to go ghost with her Lmao

ALSO Omg I was reading fluorescents from the beginning the other day and I fr realized it's so cringy and bad in the beginning it was and i'm so sorry. I also realized I started writing this story 5 years ago like omg I know none of the og readers are still here and I feel so bad like they're never gonna get to read the ending and it makes me so sad like they probably don't care but it still makes me feel like i failed😔