Fluorescents

66

" How many secrets can you keep?"

He sings from the stage, looking down at me with his usual unreadable expression. I huff in my spot and roll my eyes, turning around to walk back towards the board but stopping only a second later and turning back around.

" Can you just leave me the fuck alone." I shout trying to speak over the loud noise of his guitar echoing through the venue.

" Cause there's this tune I found
That makes me think of you somehow " he continues, my eyes rolling at his consistent behavior that always drives me absolutely crazy. "And I play it on repeat." his words are soft against the mic as he looks down at me, his eyes catching mine causing my breathing to stop. " Until I fall asleep-"  His eyebrows knit together as he sings and I stand, speechless as his figure so demonic yet so angelic stands and hovers above me.

" Derek won." I shout, the words causing him to stop and for a loud and hectic noise to emit from the amp connected to his guitar. He clears his throat and nods his head, looking away from me and down at his guitar. " Just leave me alone already." I huff, the words somehow harder to say than I thought they'd be. " whatever game you're playing with him is over, he won just stop messing with me." I say in a quiet and soft tone almost as if I wish he wouldn't hear. He doesn't bother to respond and instead begins to play another melody on his guitar, this one softer and unfamiliar from the last one. I don't bother saying anything else and walk off, running into Jamie as he makes his way onto the stage but only saying hi for a brief moment before running off and into the bathroom.

Thoughts rush into my head and I crawl down to kneel against the vanity. My head falls into my hands and I inhale a sharp breath. Tears begin to draw down my cheeks and I curse myself for being so sensitive. I shouldn't be crying. I really shouldn't. But I can't help it. I'm a total emotional wreck. Today marks our third week on tour. A total of twenty one days on this total emotional rollercoaster of a tour job. I know that i shouldn't let everything going on affect me as much as it does but i can't seem to control myself when it comes to anything Alex related. Yes i know I've only known him for three weeks and the majority of the time he's treated me like complete trash but i also can't control the way I feel when I look into his eyes or when he begins to touch me even in the most innocent of ways. And i can't help but replay, although minimal, all the times that he treated me with so much care. Like when Christo caused me to cut my hand and he helped clean it. Or like the night when he took me out to the bar and we were able to talk all night about topics that weren't intimate yet seemed as if they were. And the way he always seems to care for me and let me sleep in his bed whenever I've drank more than I should. Or that time when he saved me from a bathroom breakdown like I'm having now. Tears cover my cheeks and I groan in my spot.

Although I shouldn't, a part of me still wishes he'd come after me, he'd knock on the door and carry me to his bus. That he'd make me laugh or sing to me. But that's not who he is. All those sweet moments were just a facade to cover over his true intentions. All I ever was was a prize that he could show off to Derek. A way of being able to once again rub in what he has in his face. That's all Alex has ever really been. A self entitled selfish prick. Nothing more. All I've ever adored about him was something that didn't exist. Something I played out and imagined in my own head or something he created to absolutely torture and embarrass me. Maybe I was stupid enough to fall for his tricks or maybe I had no control over it but all I know is that the way I feel is something close to what I've felt before yet not close at all.

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" Any word from the opening act?" I ask through the mic, looking down at Shay sitting down on the floor behind the effects board. I watch several fans look down at her and try to call to her but she doesn't bother to pay attention to them, only taking the time to pick at the seams of her ripped jeans with her trembling hands. I move my hand to try and get her attention but someone on the other end answers my question about the band being on their way and I revert to the effects specialists sitting down to tell them to shut the lights and cut the music. I watch the bands shadows appear and I sit down next to Shay, taking her hands in my own. Both her feet tap against the floor and I lean into her. I don't know what's wrong but I assume it's got something to do with Christo so I decide to console her as best as I can without being able to talk.