A Brand New Day

Chapter 39

Nick's POV
"Daddy!" River screams for me sobbing and I don't know what I'm walking into. I go to her, and she's a wreck.
"What's wrong?" I ask staring at her as she paces the room bawling.
"I can't do this."
I sigh, "you have to." I say softly as she walks past me.
"I don't want to." She screams.
"I know." I whisper, I grab her as she walks by.
Immediately she starts struggling, "let go." She whines.
"I can't." I whisper as I hold her tight. She struggled some more and then went limp, allowing me to hold her.

Demi's POV
"You're going to have to talk to her." Cassandra says to me as I flop down in a chair completely exhausted.
"I don't even know what to say." I whisper.
"So, think on it. What is going on with you?" I look at her in the eyes. "Why do you want to run away?"
"We have to get River to tell us about all the people who have hurt her." I say blankly, hoping to steer the conversation away from me.
"Back up, I want to talk about you."
"She got an email from her cousin, in prison."
"Stop doing that." Cassandra says patiently.
"She doesn't want to do it. She doesn't want to go back there but she has to."
"Demi, you can't just solely focus on River. That's the problem, meadow is hurting because River's problems are louder than everyone else's, including your own."
"Rivers, problems I can fix. I can't fix my drowning heart. I'm not her mom, she doesn't want me to be her mom. I focus on River because she lets me. Meadow doesn't want anyone to help her." I scream.
"Calm down. Lower your voice."
"Fuck off, I'm not a child, if I've learned anything from my years of therapy, I'm entitled to my feelings."
"You are. But—"
"But nothing. I'm tired, I have a life growing inside me, I'm trying to raise these girls to be better than me, one wants that the other doesn't. So, I'm going to focus on the one who does. Now, let's go pull out every single horrific detail from my daughter that she's holding on to. So, I can put an end to her torture."
"What about meadow?"
"What about her? I'm not her mom."
"You can't have a competition about who can be more petty with a ten year old. Go get her."
"Why? She doesn't care."
"Demi, she's ten! She doesn't even know what she likes or who she is. But she does know who's and how hard to push your buttons. Go get her, drag her in here. And hold her glare."
"Fine." I snap. I go into the kitchen and splash my face with water. Then I go out back. "Meadow, come inside please." I announce. She just stares down ar me.
"Look, I know this is hard. I understand you don't want me to do this. I'm your mom whether you like it or not. I got that title when I signed those papers. Now get your ass inside, now."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"Not good enough."
I shouldn't have to explain myself to a child. But I will because this is the closet we've come to a civil conversation in weeks. "Because, the only way to mend our family is to not run away from the things we don't want to do. I love you meadow. I've never been a mom. This is new to me. I don't know what I'm doing but I'm trying. Please, just give me a chance." By the time I finish my speech I'm in tears and she's standing in front of me. "We can do this." I whisper looking at her.
"Whatever."
I follow her inside, the house is silent and I don't know what to do next. Meadow sits at the table and stares into Cassandra's soul. I sit down beside her. We sit there for what seems like forever. Finally, Cassandra clears her throat. "Meadow, what do you know about your mom?"
"She's annoying." Meadow snaps.
"Not Demi, your biological mom."
"She didn't want me." She sighs.
"How do you know that?"
"I've been in foster care my whole life."
"Demi, what do you know about her mom."
"Nothing, I mean her name is in her file but otherwise nothing. But—" I'm starting to get emotional.
"But?" Cassandra asks.
"I'm her mom." I whisper.
"You're not." Meadow mumbles.
"Then what am I?"
"You're River's mom."
"Okay." I'm done.
I can't think of anything to say. But Cassandra continues, "what do you, meadow, think that she does for River that she doesn't do for you."
Meadow just stares at her, but I can tell she's not coming to say anything.
After about five minutes, I can feel my heart starting to beat faster and faster by the second. I stand, "I need a break— a reset." I announce.
"Okay, I think we can try this conversation again tomorrow. Go reset comeback here in five minutes." I nod and walk away as Cassandra speaks with Meadow, "Why don't you sit here for a few minutes and write in your journal."
I peak my head in to the door of the office and River's asleep and Nick's sitting next to her. I try to pull air into my lungs before I speak but I'm struggling. "Nick, I need you. Now." I whisper in a panic.
His eyes pop as he looks at me. He nods silently and come over to me. I practically drag him to our room and slam the door. "What's going on?" He whispers.
"I can't breathe." I snap as I try to take a deep breath and cling to him. I begin to sob only making my chest tighter.
"I don't know what" I gasp. "I don't know" I say as I feel him trying to loosen his grip to look at me but I tighten my grip. "No, no!" I sob.
"Demi, you have to look at me." He says quietly. My head feels dizzy, my fingers are going numb, my entire body feels like it's buzzing and my vision is blurry.
"Please, just don't let go." I sob. As my knees go weak.
He picks me up and takes me to the bed. My body shakes with every sob and I can't see. "Nick! I can't—"
"I know." He says as he lets go of me causing me to cling to him harder. "I'm just going to wrap a blanket around you. I'm not letting you go."
"I can't breathe." I sob, "I don't know what I'm doing! I —" I scream. "I think I'm dying! Nick! I can't—" I shake, "let go of me!"
I begin to thrash agains him but he holds me tightly, "stop." Nick whispers quietly over and over.
"Let me go!" I scream at the top of my lungs.
"I can't." Nick whispers kissing the top of my head.
I continue to thrash and hit him as he holds me agains him. I sob loudly.
Eventually, I tire myself out. But he does not loosen his grip until I take a deep breath. I can breath. I cry and whisper, "how do you do that?" I whisper finally looking up at him.
"Hm?" He says staring at me exhausted.
"How do you stay so calm?" I whisper.
"I don't know."
"Thank you."
"I love you." I sigh as I wipe my face with the blanket. "How long have we been up here?"
"I don't know. Long." As if on cue River walks in. She looks at us and burst into tears. "Round three." Nick mumbles to himself.
"I think I can take this one. Will you just carry her to the office while I get Cassandra."
"No!" River screams sobbing.