A Brand New Day

Chapter 41

Nicks pov
Cassandra comes downstairs and the house seems to go stagnant. "Nick, can I speak with you alone." She asks flicking her eye toward Meadow who seems to have fallen asleep on the couch. I nod and lead Cassandra to the office. "So, I wanted to just let you know. I'm here for everyone. Not just the girls and Demi." I nod. Then I look down. "You don't say much, unless it pertains to the girls." She says and I nod. "You're very calm. Do you ever just lose it?"
"Not often." I state thinking about the last time I did.
"When was the last time?"
"When River was kidnapped."
"And?"
"It was the day, he called for ransom. I was losing my mind. I didn't know if she was even alive. Then he turned the phone so we could see her and she was bloody, half naked, delirious, dirty, and begging me to help her." I was getting choked up thinking about it, "I promised her I would help her. But I couldn't and I lied."
"Then you... what?"
"When he took the camera off her I booked it to our room and started punching the wall and I was so angry with myself that I looked my daughter in the eyes and lied to her."
"But what else could you have done?" I shrugged my shoulders. "The only other time I kinda lost control was when Maddie attacked River, physically. I lost my temper."
"You really connected with River, didn't you?"
"I love her more than anything."
"And Meadow?"
"I love her too. I just haven't figured her out yet. Everything I thought I knew about her was not what I thought. Now, I just love her as my daughter."
"What does that mean?"
"I guess I just don't know her. You know with River, I just knew it was meant to be. I love her personality no matter what moods she's in. Meadow, I just love her, but I couldn't tell you one thing about her. I know it's my fault. I don't talk with her as much as I should. But I just don't know."
"What about Demi?"
"Are you asking me if I love my wife?"
"Do you?"
"Of course. I have known Demi for over a decade. I don't know what I would do with out her. You know when we lost Mason. I thought I going to lose her forever. But we pulled through. And before you even say anything, I know she's broken right now. She's scared."
"How do you know."
"Every time, she gets scared, like scared down to the core. She gets this twitching in her eyebrow, her eyes do this thing like there pacing in her head. And she panics and she thinks a lot. She gets very, very quiet."
"Like a panic attack?"
"But it will last for days."
"And what do you do?"
"I stay with her. Until she isn't panicking."
"Will she relapse?"
"Not if I can help it. She won't do any drugs or drink with the baby. But as far as the eating and self harm, I can't promise that it won't happen. But, it's nothing we haven't gone through before, we can always get through this."
"Were there eating and self harm issues when she was pregnant before?"
"There were a couple of slip ups when she felt overwhelmed but like I said we'll get through this."
"You are right. Okay, I told her that she has to spend time with Meadow. Which means you are going to have to watch River."
"Uh..."
"What?"
"Um... is that a good idea? She's scared. I don't want to traumatize her anymore."
"You are the only man in her life that hasn't hurt her. You know what your doing. You also know your daughter." I nod. "I'll be here tomorrow at 10. But call me if you need anything."
I nod "thank you." I say walking her to the door.
"I'll be here every step of the way." She says.
I close the door and take a deep breath. Then I go back to the living room. Meadow has turned on the tv. I then go upstairs. I find Demi and River curls up in a ball on the floor holding each other. I sigh and pick River up I carry her to the bed and kiss her forehead and whisper, "I promise I will never hurt you. Ever. I love you." Then I go pick Demi up and lay her beside River. I kiss her head and lay my hand on her flat belly. She shifts a little and pulls River into her. I close the door behind me.
I go back down the living room and sit next to Meadow. I look at her. Then at the screen. Then back at her. I wonder what she's thinking. Does she remember having parents ever? Will she ever be happy? Does she really not think of Demi as her mom? Does she think of me as her dad?
"Why are you staring at me?" She snaps looking at me with those blue eyes, but there not bright today, there dull, dark, almost grey.
"Just thinking. Sorry."
"Stop."
"Stop thinking?" I ask.
"Stop thinking about me."
"I can't help it. I'm worried about you."
"Yeah." She rolls her eyes, "okay."
"You're stubborn." I say smiling. "I'm going to break your walls down."
"Okay." She says shrugging. Then stands up. Thinks then sits back down.
"Bored?" I ask. She shrugs. "Come to the music room with me."
"Nah, I'd rather take a nap." She says.
I nod. Then grab the remote and turn the channel. She pulls a blanket over her shoulder and leans on her elbow. Her feet are facing me. I reach over and tickle the bottom of her foot. "Stop." She snaps.
"Sorry." I say quickly.
A few minutes later I do it again. "Stop it." She says tucking her feet under the blanket. I wait about 10 minutes before I attack. This time I get a laugh, "damn it daddy stop it." She giggles.
"Okay," I say watching the smile quickly fade from her face. "Meadow."
"What?"
"I love you." She nods staring at the screen.
I watch the screen silently. When the movie ends I close my eyes and listen to the silent house. Then I feel the couch shift and I know meadow just sat up. I can feel her staring at me. "I'm sorry. I love you too. I don't want to be like this. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I really do want a family. I love having a mom and a dad, but I know I don't deserve it. I just can't let anyone know that I'm just a freak. But I love you, and I love mommy too. I just wish my real parents loved me just a little bit. You guys will always be pretend mom and dad. I don't know why nobody really wants me. You're going to leave again because that's what everyone does. So I'm going to pretend like I hate you so you don't like me and then it won't hurt. But even when I'm pretend, I'll know that I love you." Then she just gets up and leaves. I listen to the house, I hear her go up stairs.
As I hear the house go silent again, I think to myself as my heart and eyes grow heavy: you are going to always be pretend to me and then you'll leave.

But little does she know that I'm never going to leave her again.