A Brand New Day

Chapter 40

Demi's POV
The moment Nick approaches River I see something snap in her.  "River,—"
He says softly.
"Stop!" She screams at the top of her lungs, I had thought I had seen all of her meltdowns but this is different. She's vibrating and hyperventilating. Nick and I freeze.
"River, Let's just go down to the office." I whisper.
"I can't—" she screams again melting to the floor. She's curled herself in a ball with her knees to her chest.
Nick steps closer to her and she begins to shake and wail. "Stop! Don't hurt me! Please!" Nick freezes and looks at me.
I can hear my heart against my chest. I look at him, "go get Cassandra."
"I can't leave you alone with her like this."
"I'm fine. Just go get her now before River—"
River screams again cutting me off before I can say more. "Please! I'm sorry!"
"Now." I say to Nick. He's not like he was with me. He's pale and I can tell he's scared not that he would ever admit it.
He leaves and I sit down on the floor about six feet from her. "River..." she screams and begins pulling at her hair. "River... can you hear me?" I knew it was a stupid question when it fell out of my mouth, because she's screaming hysterically. I have no control and I don't know what to do.
Cassandra came in and sat beside me.
"It's now or never." She whispered to me through rivers screams. "She's snapped. But we can get her to tell us everything right now. But first you have to calm down."
"I'm as calm as I'll be."
"Take a deep breath. Don't touch her but get closer. Do not, I repeat: do not raise your voice above a whisper. You need to ask her about the first time."
"The first time?"
"The first time Sam touched her."
I take a deep breath, and scoot closer to her. "River—" she screams and I flinch. I start to scoot back.
"Call her something else. Her name is triggering her more. Something that only you call her bring her back."
"I don't know." I say starting to cry. Think Demi, what is something only you call her. I don't really have any cute names for her. I'm going to have to come up with something but how's not the time. But then it clicks, I don't know if it will work but I'll give it a go. "Jordan." I say then stop she doesn't scream. "Jordan, it's okay. It's me, momma, Uh... Demi. You're safe. I know you don't feel safe. But tell me something."
I wait and then inch a little closer. "Jordan, please. I promise, there is nothing you can say that will make me leave you."
She mumbles, "Please don't hurt me. Sam, I'm sorry."
I look at Cassandra and she gives me a nod, "What are you sorry for?"
"I didn't mean to break it. I was just playing."
"What did you break?"
"Your controller. I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"I didn't mean to." She sobs. "Please don't." She jumps and curls tighter to herself.
Cassandra is now next to me and I jump when she leans over and whispers, "We need to know what's happening. Ask her."
I turn to her and look her in the eyes, "I don't want to know." I say honestly. But she nods sympathetically and looks at River, I do to. I know I can't walk away now. "Jordan, tell me what he's doing."
"He's hitting me. He's grabbing me." I can see her shivering and all I want to do is hold her but I know I'll just set her off. "He threw me on the bed. I want my dad. Please, daddy don't be dead. Please help me. Sam, please stop. I'm sorry. I'm cold please can I have my clothes? I'm sorry."
"Jordan, what happened after he hurt you?" I asked. She's stopped crying but now she's digging into her arms and shaking. I on the other hand can't stop crying. I've moved closer to her as I turn to Cassandra. "Should I stop her scratching?"
"I still wouldn't touch her. We've barely scratched the surface. Ask her again what happened after?"
"Riv—" immediately I regret saying her name, I back petal quickly. "Jordan, I'm sorry. What happened after?"
"He put me in the bath and he scrubbed me. He said, 'you ever speak of this again. I'll kill you.' Then he dunked me under the water over— stop! I won't tell I promise." She starts to cry again. "I just want my daddy. I won't tell Sammy! I'm so sorry. Please don't do it again. I'm sorry." Then she gags. Which in turn makes me gag. I'm shaking this is so much worse than I thought.
"Can I come out." She shouts shaking and I'm confused.
"Come out?"
"Sam! Let me out! I'm scared!" She screams. Then she starts crying.
Cassandra and I sit silently and watch her. Then to my surprise she starts singing, but not a song that would have been around from then. But nightingale.
"I can't sleep tonight.
Wide awake and so confused."
Cassandra nudges me, "pull her back sing with her."
I nod and take a deep breath. I pick up the song where she is. "I need a voice to echo."
Then she sits up and scoots herself to the corner. But listens to me as I sing when I finish singing she just staring past me touching each finger to her thumb. I watch her as Cassandra speaks, "This is going to take a long time. This is more complex. We can't push her too hard. She's more traumatized than either of us even know. I will be here every step of the way. We have a lot of work to do. But — Demi look at me." I look at her. I feel small and confused. "You have to be there for both of them. I'm telling you this as someone who is going to be here. You have to split your time between both of them. Not just River." Instantly, River starts screaming again. I flinch, but as quickly as she screams so goes silent, "I want you to stay with her in until she is able to realize where she is. Then I want you to spend the rest of the night with Meadow." I sigh, "Don't worry she's not going to like it either. But this way she doesn't feel invisible." I sit there silently staring at Cassandra she's silent for a moment. "Why are you crying?" She whispers.
I didn't know I was until I when to wipe my eyes, "I'm just tired." I whisper.
"Of?"
"Not knowing what I'm doing." I state honestly.
"You're learning."
"So, I just sit with her until she comes back to reality and then just leave her broken to go spend time with Meadow even though she hates me."
"She doesn't hate you. But yes, Nick with have to be with R—Jordan."
"I hate me." I mumble.
"What?" Cassandra says in a very serious tone.
"Nothing." I whisper. I didn't mean to say that out loud.
"We'll talk about that tomorrow. Go sit next to her. I'm going to speak with Nick." I nod.
I crawl over to River and sit beside her. She doesn't move and the only sound I hear are hiccups. Slowly, I wipe her tears away. She flinches as I use two fingers to lift her head so she with look at me. She closes her eyes, "open your eyes." I whisper. "Please." She shakes her head. So I lean my forehead against hers, "You are so brave. I love you so much." She let's go of the breath she's been holding. "You are beautiful, strong, and selfless. I will never leave you." A tear slips down her face. "You are compassionate, you are powerful. You are brilliant. You are smart. I hope that one day you are able to see how amazing you are. You are my daughter. If I am the earth you are the moon. You regulate the tide inside me. I am proud of you. I love you so much. I am so lucky to have you as my daughter. I'm so proud to be your momma. I love you." She opens her eyes. "You are my nightingale and my warrior. I love you."
She chuckles a little, "you said that already." She whispers.
"I know." I whisper.
She lifts her head and leans it on my shoulder. Then she takes my hand and looks at my nails. Then runs her fingers up the back of my hand to my wrist. She traces the let's of my tattoo. "Momma." She whispers.
"Hm?"
"I'm not strong." She whispers so quietly I almost miss it.
"You are stronger than you know. You are. I promise, you'll see it one day."
"Maybe." She falls silent again. I watch her as she slowly relaxes. She's so beautiful, her face is smooth, the perfect tan. "Momma." She whispers again.
"Hm?"
"I love you." She whispers. I kiss her forehead. "Please—" she whimpers a little.
"Please, what?" I ask.
"Please don't..." she starts to sob again. "Please, just promise you won't leave."
"Never."
"Promise." She sobs.
"I promise." She nods. I pull her into my lap and hold her has she snuggles into me balling my shirt in her fist. I close my eyes and focus on my breath. I feel my body feeling light and I drift to sleep thinking:
No one will ever hurt my daughter ever again as long as I'm alive.