A Brand New Day

Chapter 44

Demi's pov
I walk into the room and close the door again. I don't speak as I peel back the covers and climb in next to Nick. I wipe the tears from his face. "What's wrong?" I whisper as I try to remember if I've ever seen him like this. And to my recollection I haven't. He doesn't speak for what feels like forever.
"We were fine when you were gone." He whispers.
"What?"
"Everything was fine earlier. We talked a little. Then watched the breakfast club... you know that's her favorite movie. Then she fell asleep." He sighs, "I had everything under control."
"What happened?"
"Shit!" He sighs, "I don't know... she sat down at the table and then she started panicking saying 'no.' Then she was out of the door. I locked the gates. When I found her by a tree she was just a complete wreck." He sobs silently and sat up. I sat up with him as he turned away from me. I sat behind him draping my legs on either side of him and laid my head on his back. "I just..." he sobs and I wait. "I have always been so aware of what to do, and I've always known the answer. Or you know, I could find it." He sighs and wipes his face. "Now, I just don't even know what's happening. I'm just so confused. I mean I'm terrified."
"You?"
"I am. I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt her. I'm scared that you're gonna leave me. I'm just terrified down to the core."
"I'm sorry you fear I might leave. But have I ever broken a promise?"
He doesn't speak so I wait a moment or two to see if he has anything else to say. Then I speak, changing the subject. "I took Meadow to the cliff today."
"Umm... our cliff?"
"Yeah... she—" I stop as I remember her confession and shiver.
"What?" He asks as he pulls me down to lay with him.
"The first thing she said was 'I wanna jump.' I don't even think she meant to say it out loud."
He flinches, "what did you say?"
"She asked if I thought it would hurt? Which I told I knew it hurt."
"Did she ask how you know."
"She did, and I told her without going into too many details. But then— you know I learned something about her."
"What?"
"She loves stories."
"What do you mean? Stories?"
"I told her about the last time."
I feel him flinch and take a deep breath. "Demi—"
"Not all the details, just that I was sad about Mason and I jumped..."
"You talked about him."
"Not really, I just told her he was my first baby." I take a breath, "then I told her about our first date."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her how you kidnapped me, of course—"
"Oh, come on! I did not kidnap you."
I chuckle,  "Then how you got pulled over, and then our lunch, and how I fell."
"And she said what?"
"She ate it up, she was giggling and gasping. I mean I truly saw a side of her I didn't know. It was amazing."
"I wish I was there."
"Did you and Riv talk?"
"Not really, she was really tired. But she did say she's sick of Meadow hating us. You know, sadly to River this whole thing is all her fault and Meadow happened to step on the land mine. Everything that happened in the hotel really set River off."
"Yeah, I know."
We lay there in each other's arms when I hear his breathing slow down, I remember, "Nick?"
"Yes, honey?"
"I told her, I would find her mom."
Immediately he sits up, "why would you do that?" He snaps.
"I think it would help her to maybe know at least if she's alive." I say startled by his reaction.
"Why does that matter? We're her parents. You're her mom!"
"I know, but it's something she needs."
"I don't know about this. She's my fucking daughter!" He says leaning back closing his eyes. "I'm not giving her up. She's our daughter, Jesus Demi!"
"I don't either. I'm definitely not giving her up. I just really think it would help her to know why she was put into foster care." I sigh, "please don't be mad."
"I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I wish you would have talked to me about this first. I mean fuck, what if her biological mother tries to I don't know, fucking build a relationship. I mean then what?" He sighs loudly, "I'm just supposed to what?" He says.
I stare at his figure in the dark, "I didn't think of that."
"Of course you didn't, that's the thing I love and hate that about you." He says quietly. I draw in breathe but let him continue, "you always think with your heart, wanting to do the right thing. But you never think about the what if's in your head."
"What are you talking about?" I sigh as I feel the tears burn my eyes.
"I don't know..." he grumbles irritated.
"Say it Nick!" I say as I feel my eyes well up, "it's on the tip of your tongue fucking spit it out."
"River." He says faintly.
I gasp and let the tears flow, "what about her?" I whisper.
"Demi, You hit her with your car. Brought her here, then you wanted to keep her. Which I don't regret. But you never stopped and thought damn what if this kid has baggage that we're not equipped to deal with."
"I made the right choice, and after her first break down. You made that decision too. So don't put this solely on me." I snap.
"You're right. But all I'm saying is we, neither of us thought of the what ifs."
"Don't throw this on me. We, you and me, Nick! We decided that this was the right thing to do."
Before we can reply, we hear a shower turn on. And I glance at the clock beside the bed, "why the fuck is she taking a shower at 2:14 in the morning." I sigh. "Ugh, this day is never going to end."
"I'll go check." Nick says.
I hop out of bed before him, and snap again, "Nick, fuck off. I'm the one who made this huge decision with out you. So I'll take care of my daughter! I can't believe you!"
"You're twisting my words."
"Okay. Nick go to bed." I sigh.
"You know what Demi, don't tell me what to do! She's my daughter."
"No, you can't go in there! She's going through the hardest truth of her life. You know how I know this has something to do with her past and that fucking psycho Sam?"
"How?"
"Because she went to bed in two, TWO! Pairs of leg prisons."
"She slept in pants?"
"Yes, she's terrified. She doesn't feel safe. She's fucking confused and broken. So Nick, you are going to go to fucking bed. Fuck off. I'm going to go to my daughter, help her. Tomorrow, we'll talk with Cassandra about whatever grievances you're holding against me. Goodnight." I scream as I slam the door behind me.
I make my way to River's room focusing on my breathing. When I get to her room the closet and bathroom light are still on but she's not in here. I pass by Meadows room and stop as I see half of her pillows are in the floor with her blankets. I go in and shift her to the middle of the bed, putting a pillow under her head and shake out her blanket to put back on her, but I notice three fruit snack wrappers fall to the floor. When did she go and get a snack? I sigh and pick them up and finish tucking her in. I stare at her as she sleeps and that's when I hear the guest room shower, next door. Why is River showering in the guest room?
I take a deep breath and to the guest room door and open the door that is surprisingly unlocked. The room is dark but I can see the light on under the door to the bathroom. I quietly open the door. To my surprise is very cold in the room and I shiver. I don't say anything, as I push the shower curtain a side a little and turn off the water. I was expecting a freak out but it's completely silent, when I cut the water.
"River." I whisper. As I pull a towel from under the sink. She doesn't reply. Although, I can hear her breathing steadily. I move the curtain and freeze. This was the last thing I was expecting. She's curled in a ball naked, leaning against the wall shivering and asleep.
I quietly wrap her in a towel and pick her up. God, it has been so long, I can't believe how tiny she still is. She's almost as tall as me, but maybe 80 pounds. I take her to her room and set he on her bed. "River." I say again just above a whisper. As I do into her closet for clothes.
"I'm sorry. She whispers.
"You didn't do anything to be sorry for." I say to her as I come out with a t shirt and underwear. I hand them so her and she stands holding the towel close.
"I was just—" she starts but sighs and goes to the bathroom. "Will you bring me some pants?"
"Shorts?"
"No, sweats." She says blankly.
I sigh, and grab her some sweats and take them to the bathroom. I stand off to she side so I can't see her as she puts them on. She comes out and I grab her brush as she sits on the bed. "You okay?"
"My skin feels like it's crawling." She mumbles. Then yawns, "I'm so tired." She says then starts sobbing. "I want to sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I see them."
"Them?" I ask as I begin to brush her hair.
"Sam, Drake, Drew, Tony, Nate, Grant... and those are just the people who I can put names to the face. There's so many." She sobs, "mommy, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be dirty. I don't want to be scared. I don't want to be some used up slut. Im not a whore. But I'm all the things I don't want to be. They made me this way, I'm a filthy freak. No one is gonna love me."
I don't even realize that I froze and I'm just holding the brush to her head. "Baby—"
"I am, I'm so dirty. Im so so dirty. I've been tainted." She sobs. She begins to hyperventilate. I pull her into me. And she balls my shirt in her fist. I kiss her forehead which is still very warm.
I say the only thing that I can think off, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry baby. I love you so much. You are so brave. You are beautiful, strong, and selfless. I will never leave you. You are compassionate, you are powerful. You are brilliant. You are smart." I take a breathe and add, "you are clean. You are my daughter. I am proud of you. I love you so much. I am so lucky to have you as my daughter. I'm so proud to be your momma. I love you, dove."
I repeat this over and over until we are both asleep.