A Brand New Day

Chapter 42

Meadow's pov
I go to my room and lay down. I stay still and listen focus on my breathing. When I hear footsteps. I try to keep my breaths steady and equal, pretending to sleep. The sounds stops at my door and I listen to dad sigh. I hope he was asleep and didn't hear my confessions. I listen to his feet fade awAy. Then tiptoe to the bathroom. I click on the light and stare in the mirror. I wonder:
Do I look like her? Do I have her hair? Are my eyes like hers? Does she have dimples? I have one. I just have so many questions. I wonder if she thinks about me?
I stare and look into my eyes.

Demi's POV
When I open my eyes, I have a headache and I'm hungry. The room is getting dark as the sun goes down. I turn over and River is sleeping. She looks so calm and innocent to think that someone has taken that away from her. I can't believe it. I lean over and kiss her head. Then, I remember Cassandra's words:
Split your time. Make sure Meadow doesn't feel invisible.
I sigh, I know she's right. But, forcing Meadow to believe I'm her mom is out of my control. I'm tired, I don't want to do anything. But this baby inside me is so hungry. I quietly go into the closet avoiding making eye contact with the mirror. I put on some sweats and a hoodie and prepare for battle as I throw my hair up in a bun. Then I make my way down the hall but stop when I notice meadows bathroom light on and mumbling.
"Why can't you just love them?" She speaks to no one. I get closer and stand off to the side silently. "They signed the papers to keep you. So why can't you just let them love you?" She says staring at herself. "You have a mom. Don't be a coward. You fucking baby, wanting someone you don't know." She whispers. As tears fall. My heart is breaking. Then she lets out a sob and swipes everything of the counter and screams, "you fucking idiot!" Then drops to the floor.
I wait five seconds as I listen to nicks feet shuffle. I knock on the door frame, I act completely oblivious. "Meadow? What's wrong."
She tries to wipe her tears away quickly. "Nothing."
Just then Nick burst in the room, "Meadow are you okay?" He asks looking at me.
"I'm fine." She snaps.
"Meadow?" River says walking in.
"Back off princess." She snaps at River.
River nods and leaves.
"Nick, go to River. I've got meadow." I whisper. I feel confident in this moment.
He looks at me weird but walks away. I slide to a seat beside meadow. And we sit silently for a moment. "Hey, go get your shoes on."
"Why?"
I want to show you something."
She sighs and rolls her eyes. But wipes her face and leaves. I like up the things on the ground, then make my way down stairs. As River sits on the counter bawling. I stop outside the kitchen and listen. "She hates me." She sobs as Nick stands in front of her listening. "I don't know what I did. She started this."
Nick listens, "this was inevitable. You didn't do anything. She just needs to figure herself out." Then he hesitantly pulls her into him. She gets tense then relaxes. "We are going to figure this out. We're a family."
"She doesn't want a family. She hates us. I'm so tired of her hating me."
"She doesn't hate you."
He holds her a few minutes as meadow comes down the stairs and I turn to her. "Come on." I whisper.
She follows me out to the car. I turn it on. Then I text Nick telling him we'll be back later. "What do you want to eat?"
"I don't care."
My stomach growls, "baby wants tacos, you okay with that?"
"I said I don't care." She snaps.
"Okay." I turn on the radio and drive, past all our normal spots and onto the highway. I turn off my the beach's into a shabby neighborhood. I turn the radio. "Daddy, used to take me here when I was overwhelmed. We'd get tacos and then go sit and watch the waves. I wanted to show you. Maybe it can bring you some peace."
I pulled into the little shacks parking lot. Then pulled the keys out of the ignition. "You want to come in?"
"I'm not going to stay in the car by myself!" She says flabbergasted.
I chuckle, "oh, come on then." She gets out of the car and grabs my hand. I look down and try not to show how happy I am.
"Demi!" Julian says as I walk in. "Hola!"
"Hola, Julian. un minuto por favor."
He nods and meadow stares up at me confused.
"You speak Spanish?"
"Not really. Little phrases here and there. What do you want?"
"Uhh..."
"Taco? Burrito? I'm getting tacos. With Spanish rices and chips and queso."
"Um... how about a burrito."
"Okay. Do you want steak, chicken, or ground beef?"
"Steak. Duh." She says rolling her eyes. "Will you share some chips and queso with me though." She whispers.
"Of course."
"Julian." I order then add a couple orange fantas and churros. "Can I call in a few hours to pick up for my husband and daughter?"
"Si, hermosa, just call about when you're about ten minutes away."
"gracias. Julian, this is my daughter. Meadow."
"Hola, meadow."
"Hi." She says smiling sheepishly.
"hermosa como su mamá." He says smiling to me.
"gracias." I say then look at meadow whose confused. "He said your beautiful, like me."
"Oh." She says blushing. "Thank you."
We sit at a table and I watch her. She's thinking while looking out the window. Her eyes scan around the room then back out the window. "Demi, your foods ready." I stand and grab the bag, and thank him as I listen to the bell on door chime. "Call 10 minutes ahead and I'll have Nick's food and your other daughters food ready."
I nod and thank him again. I pull out my keys and unlock the car for her and she climbs in.
I drive the cliff that Nick too me too multiple time after mason. It's tall and hangs off into the River with grass. It's pretty secluded, over looking the ocean. "Come on." I whisper holding my breath as I pop the trunk for a blanket. I guide about 10 feet from the ledge and set out our food. I pop open the glass bottles of Fanta and hand her on.
She smells it and smiles. "Orange soda is my favorite." She whispers.
"I know."
We sit in silence and eat. Watching the sunset. Out of nowhere almost on accident she whispers, "I want to jump of that."
I look at her, "why?" There can only be two reasons and it's not the first on.
1) for fun.
2) to fall, crash, and end it all.
"Do you think it would hurt?" She asks.
"Yes. It does hurt. But it depends on why you're jumping."
"How do you know it hurts?"
"I've jumped off this cliff. Multiple times, for different reason."
"Why did you jump?"
"Why do you want to jump? I will tell you everything I can. I will answer all your questions. But I need you to answer that one question. Why do you want to jump, right now?"
"I just want to jump, fall in to the ocean and sink to the bottom. Drown. Be done, I don't know—" she takes a breath, "I don't know why I'm so confused. But I just want to focus on one thing, just down there not confused."
I nod. I think about all she just said. "Do you feel like your drowning and everything is just carrying on around you? Like you can breathe but everyone is filling their lungs right in front of you?" She nods. We sit there silent in the dark listening to the waves crash on the rocks. She leans back and looks up at the sky.
I watch her closely. Then she turns to me. "Why did you jump?"
"The last time?"
"Yeah."
"I was sad. I was depressed. I had lost mason. I felt worthless."
"Whose mason?"
"What?"
"Mason?"
"My son. Your brother."
"You had a baby before?"
"I did. He died."
"Oh. So you tried to—"
"Yeah. But once I hit the water. I came make up and I felt renewed. That falling was like letting go of everything."
"What about the other times?"
"Um, I come here on good and bad days. The first time I ever came here was with daddy. He brought me here for a date." I leaned back and laid next to her. "We were 17. It was summer time. He packed a Picnic basket with sandwiches. Then came to grandmas house. Threw rocks at my window until I opened it. He said, 'I'm here to take you for ransom. Come on.' Then—" she giggled. "I ran out of house. Grandma yelling at me. I hoped in his car and he started driving. We were laughing like crazy."
"Did you get in trouble?"
"I'm not done, let me finish the story."
"Geez, okay." She said. I could hear the smile in her voice.
"So, we're in the car. We have the windows down and the radio up. Then we see red and blue lights."
"Oh no!" She squeals and laughs.
"Yeah, so the cop comes up and looks at us and is like, "do you know why I pulled you over?" And daddy looks like he's going to throw up." I laugh, "he shakes his head, 'you're going 15 over the speed limit— wait your Demi Lovato?' And I'm like what yeah. He smiles and comes over to my side, and says, 'my daughter loves you. Can I get an autograph and I wound wrote speedy clackster over there a ticket. So obviously, I give him my autograph." I stop and take a sip of my soda.
"Then?!" Meadow says impatiently.
"So daddy drives like a grandma the rest of the way. We get here and her sets up out picnic. We were talking and what not. I go over to the ledge and I trying to sit down and I lose my balance." She gasps. "So I'm falling. And I hear daddy, scream like a little girl. I hit the water and I have the wind knocked out of me." I stop thinking about what happened next. The moment I knew Nick was my person.
"Ugh, come on then what?!" She snaps.
"Then all of a sudden I'm being pulled to the surface. Daddy had jumped in to save me. When he got to the surface. He held me so tight. I was gasping and coughing. He pulled me close and kissed me. It was like time froze. We kissed for a minute then I pushed him away and splashed him." I leaned back and took a chance and pull her into me. She laid her head on my chest. We stared at the stars. Then I felt her yawn and my phone began to ring. "Hello?"
"Babe, are you okay?"
"Yeah, we're on our way home, I'm going to stop and grab you and River some food from Julian's."
"Okay."
"Meadow, let's go."
"Okay."
We get to the car and as I start it up she whispers, "can we come back?"
"Anytime, just ask. I love you."
She nods. I call Julian and then pick up the food. I take a small detour for a few extra minutes. So I can ask a question I know the answer to. "Meadow, would you like me to find your mom?"
She looks at me with tears in her eyes, "are you mad?"
"No, but I think a lot of the turmoil you have inside can't be fixed until learn all we can about where you came from. I'm Not going to lie and tell you that it doesn't scare me. But my fear is not relevant. I will do this if you want me to."
"Please." She whispers as tears slide down her face.
I pull the car into the garage. Then I pull her into me. "Anything for you and your happiness. I love you no matter what. I will always be your momma, whether you like it or not. I mean it, I love you."
"Thank you. I love you too, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I just need to know who she is."
"We will find out."
"Thank you for today. I'm going to bed."
"Okay, good night bug."
"Good night." She says, then quietly adds "momma."