Not So Easy. Johnnie Guilbert × Reader

- ̗̀✎ New Things.

Y/N POV:

I sat in the new environment. Calm blue walls surrounded me, matching with off-white ceramic tiled floors that my black and white converse stood on.

?: "Yes, I'm new to you, but could you explain how you feel?"

Dr. Diaz asked. Dr. Diaz is my new therapist. Since I moved in the area, I have finally found a therapist that seemed comforting.

Y/n: "I'm not sure how to explain. Nothing bad has happened, I am doing well in life right now, but for some reason, I still don't feel... happy."

I paused, trying to find the right way to word what I wanted to say.

Y/n: "No matter what is going on around me, I can't find peace in my mind."

Dr. Diaz: "And how do you deal with these feelings?"

I stop. I'm sort of already spilling out my secrets, why just stop here. If I really wanted help, I would spill.

Y/n: "I self harm."

Dr. Diaz slightly frowned, putting down his pen and leaning in closer.

Dr. Diaz: "In what ways?"

Shit. There are so many.

Y/n: "Basic cutting, burning showers, picking at my skin until it bleeds. And then there is starving. But then there is eating until I throw up. Scratching my legs until they bleed, and sometimes burning."

He looked at me like he was uncomfortable. He didn't say anything. Instead, he picked up his pen and started writing once again.

He started talking to me but I couldn't get over that look. I got lost in thought.

What was he thinking about? What does he think of me now? Why would I tell him that? How fucked up does that sound in a normal person's point of view?

Soon enough, I snapped out of thought.

Dr. Diaz: "Times up."

We said our good byes and I left.

-Time Skip-

After a good 17-minute drive, I arrived home. I lay on my couch, scrolling on my phone.

*ding*

A notification dropped from the top of my screen.

*tarayummyy: Hey, would you want to go to a party with my tn?*

*ding*

*tarayummyy: I have friends I want you to meet :)*

Tara is this beautiful girl I met about 2 weeks ago at the mall. I couldn't choose between make up products and she randomly helped.

We started talking and exchanged Instagrams. Since then, we have been talking a lot.

Tara is the type of girl I wish I was. She has long black hair with a random strand of purple and shortish curtain bangs that sat perfectly.

Her style is hard to explain, but it suits her. It's mostly fitting shirts and crop tops with a skirt or baggy pants.

I clicked on the notification.

*: I'm not much of a party girl*

I thought for a minute and sighed.

*: But sure, might be fun :)*

I waited.

*-seen just now-*

*-typing-*

*tarayummyy: Great! Come here at around 8 *

*tarayummyy: Address *

It wasn't her house, but was close to it.

I checked the time.

5:53 PM

What am I gonna do in the meantime?

-Time Skip-

I was getting ready for the party.

I searched my closet that didn't have much in it. I picked out loose-fitting, black jeans and a tight, dark blue shirt that had rhinestones drawing out a cross with many designs surrounding. (A/n: search "rhinestone design shirt" on pinterest!)

I slid on the jeans, the waist band on my my waist line, just under my stomach line. I thought they looked plain, but I will take care of that later.

I then put on the shirt, the hem reaching just under my belly button. The shirt was beautiful and all, but...

I hated how it looked on me.

My mind kept painting these pictures of my body.

One hip looks weird

Your waist looks wider than usual

Your waist isn't skinny enough

Your waist isn't curvy enough

Your waist...

My waist.

I took off the shirt and looked for another.

This time, I took out a black shirt with green design and font saying "The Gramps".

I put the shirt on, this time, the shirt didn't define my waist and just barely crumbled at the hip.

I checked my phone.

6:49 PM

Time for accessories.

I looked through a box with all my things. Belts, necklaces, rings, earrings, headbands, etc.

I took a wide, black belt with rhinestones covering it and the buckle being shaped like a heart.

The belt stayed up by one hip and leaned off the other.

I found a thin-chain necklace that had a small cross as the charm and a small ring with a small diamond.

I decided not to wear earrings.

For my hair, I left it down and brushed it out a bit.

I checked my phone once again.

7:22 PM

Enough time to do a bit of make up.

I started with a bit of concealer to cover up any "imperfections", following with setting powder.

I grab my eyeshadow brush, picking out the black eyeshadow and smudging it under my eyes, on my water line.

I then wiped a way a bit, making it where there is a small tint of black instead of full black circles.

I add a small amount of mascara and finish off with a deep pink lip gloss.

I check.

7:42

Perfect.

I was finished getting ready, so I finally got my keys and started to drive to the address Tara sent me.

While driving, I constantly ran my hand through my hair, trying to fluff it out. The more I looked at myself in any of the car mirrors, the more I picked out imperfections.

Just get through tonight.
You look fine.
Your hair is fine.
Your lips look fine.
Your jewelry is fine.
Your legs look fine.
It's okay. Your posture isn't bad.

And then, once again, instead of JUST putting my appearance down, my mind wanders.

They won't like you .
You're boring.
It'll be too awkward.
At this point, don't go.

I finally arrived.

___

<1014 words!

I'm gonna try to get at least 1000 words each chapter :) >