Echoes|| König x Reader x Ghost

26: Self-reflection

My breath tumbles out like a fog on rolling mountains. It rolls out and vanishes into the night sky. By midnight— when the moon spotlighted my plight in the cold. My fingers tremble, and my body shivers fighting the weather to stay warm. The cold-like claws sink into my flesh and deep into my bones, freezing me on the spot.

I take in a deep breath the cool hair stinging my lungs, shocking my nerves to alertness. I look through the barrel of my scope watching as the men march around. Their movement slowly becomes predictable like they are blocking their movement on a stage.

As the night wore on the cold darkness blooms into a gentle blue. When the sun does not need to be awake, everything is a shade of blue. I climb to feel the layer of soft snow fluttering off of my frozen body. I walk back to base, my mind clouded and obscured— I couldn't see past the blue of this morning.

By the time I got back, my body was shaking. The snow melted into my clothes and the cold water stung my poor skin. I see Ghost and Soap Working out, their strong breathing created clouds around them. They stop and look at me, Soap waves.

I nod back.

I walked into HQ, looking for Price or the colonel, I found both quietly talking. I shuffle up to them and let out an exhausted sigh as my body deflates into cold wet cloths of mine.

"What did you find?"

"The building is well guarded, and the guard changes every hour," I said staring at the map as my vision blurs in and out of focus.

"Alright, Get some rest." I nod and head off to my bed. I stripped out of my wet clothes into something warm and dry.

I passed out.

In my dreamingly haze, my mind contorted around the issues over and over again, creating a giant Gordian knot. A threat so vast and with consequences unfathomable. It loomed over me, like vultures over a dying deer— waiting for death to take its soul.

"Hey, wake up," I stir from my warmth into the coldness of reality. There before me, Charlie crouching down to face me. I sat up and stared at him blankly.

Who am I? Where am I? What am I doing?

I get up moving in a muddle haze my mind trying to catch up to my movements. It was like a snap my mind came back, and my thoughts instantly filled with what I needed to do. Does my hair, get my uniform on— is it still wet? Get me shoes on— definitely still wet. Brush my teeth, eat, get my gear on— so on and so on. I groan I do not have the energy to do it all, I had to build it up.

"You got to move!" Charlie tells me, pulling me from my mind. I sigh and get up— starting my day with no energy or will to live— yay.

I've given up a long time ago, I won't lie, I have very few shits to give. In fact, I have none, I wouldn't call myself suicidal, but a psychiatrist might. I have no will to live but it's too much of a hassle to end it all— I'll outlive my enemies.

I trudge after Charlie letting my mind fade away back to the warmth of my comfy bed— with no worries or stress.

Stress.

I wouldn't say I'm stressed... Am I stressed?

I felt the tightness in my chest, the rumination of the situation in my mind. I couldn't feel much— I'm quite muted in emotions. There was a time I did feel my emotion strongly, but I've learned to bury it deep. My outburst in class— it was always overblown...

I know I have alexithymia— I can't tell what feeling I'm feeling unless it's so intense it drowns me in the sensation— when all my senses are overwhelmed. Sometimes I wonder if my emotions can smother me and choke me to death.

What is this feeling?

All my strong emotions compress on my chest in the core of me. My consciousness floats from my body but is stuck in my head. I have long ago dissociated from this body— from this moving mass.

"Hey," I look up my strange rumination ruined by Charlie's deep voice. "You look lost."

"My mind is lost," I mutter walking next to him. He gives me a sad look and quietly takes my hand in his. His hands are warm and rough. It was comforting.

"Your stress," He mutters. I let out a long sigh that released some of the pressure in my chest. It still hung in me like a hook holding my soul to my body. I couldn't escape this dread.

"I— maybe," I mutter and look around the hall.

"Get your head in the game we need to focus." I nod trying to focus my mind.

I could not.

Why am I so stressed? Nothing is threatening me... is there something threatening me? What am I doing? What can I do?

"Spider Monkey you're not alone," Charlie put his hands on my shoulder pushing me forwards. "You are not alone."

He's right, but this stress could not go away. It was like a puppet master, and I was its toy.

Is this rage?

No.

Is it sadness?

No.

I'm definitely not happy.

So, what is this?

We enter HQ and I silently listen on. It's a battle a real battle. My mind wanted to wander but I was forcing myself to pay attention to something I truly do not want to pay attention to. It weighs on my mind like a situationship— the will it won't it killing me every step of the way.

"The task is to infiltrate this base and find out where the nukes are being stored."

Nukes.

I heard of the fallout of both atomic bombs. It was a morbid fascination I had for a few years— a special interest born from my fascination with the macabre. The fallout— it could be war.

All-out war...

I've read about other wars; it was also a special interest. It always will be. I'm fascinated by how shit can go so... sideways. But I do not want to live it... Do I want to live it?

Of course not!

AAAHHHH!

I didn't see him move— Charlie pulled back his finger and flicked me on the forehead. I look over glaring at him. He always had this sixth sense of when I'm spiraling. He always catches me, always stopping my mind from roaming.

I appreciate him I really do, but please leave me alone!

I sigh and gaze once more on the map. I was in a group without Charlie... That's probably a bad idea.

I feel dread.

This is stress.

I think I'm scared