Hana

More than you love me

Yuzu

I sit in my chair at home and think about the conversation I had with Doctor last week.

"I asked a friend of mine about my injuries. She told me not to compete, and she sounded like it is a huge matter. Doctor, is this a huge matter?"
Doctor listens to me carefully and put his glasses back on his nose. "Well, I do not know if your friend has a certain level of medical knowledge, but it seems like she cares about your health a lot. Here's the thing: if you overwork your back,it might got inflammatory, and until then, it will be a huge matter. That friend of yours really wants you to be healthy, and she is right, you shouldn't compete." Doctor smirks at the last sentence.

Of course I know Meg wants me to be healthy. All she hopes is me being safe; she hoped me best health through the season. I do not doubt her heart but sometimes I feel like I want to do what I want to do without receiving advices from others. I'm stubborn, but I like my stubbornness.

And about what Brian told me, I think he is right. I pick up my phone and send a message to Meg.
"Dear Meg,
After last week's meet up, I have some important realization and I want to tell you about it. Tell me a time that you are free. Let's have dinner together."
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"Yuzu, I'm glad that you decided not to compete." Meg smiles at me. We meet in a simple restaurant a few miles away from the club. At first when the waitress led us in and sat down, the atmosphere was awkward and a little too quiet than the mood we usually have. But once I started to talk about the decision after a meeting with Brian, Doctor, and other technical staffs, I decided not to compete in Finlandia and focus on the next competition, which is Cup of China. When I am trying to tell her my decision, Meg's face gradually loosen up from the tensed emotion, which I deduct, due to her stubborn "no loosing" personality. My goal in today's meeting is to tell her my decision and confess my real feelings of our still nebulous relationship, so there's no need to be stubborn for me today. I know Meg's stubborn as well. The way she urged me not to compete is printed in my head, but her stubbornness is a good stubborn since what she said is right.
"Doctor said you are right. He said that if I overwork my back, it is going to be complicated."
"Oh... Be careful even when you're practicing. You never know what will happen."
I can't hold my laughter and laugh at the words that Meg just said. "What?!" She laughs too. The magic of laughing is unpredictable, it comes suddenly, but lasts for a very long time.
"My mom says that all the time." I explain and trying to breathe normally. "You're so like her. She cares about everything about me. Even my water bottle! She makes different water bottle bag every single season to match my costume."
"I knew it! I guessed that your mother made that even before I met you. I love these water bottle costume; they are enjoyable to watch before you start your program. I admire your mother so much. She has done so many for you. I'm no way near your mother." Meg says. Her words sounds a little unhappy, but her tone is so excited about this topic.

The waitress comes for our orders, so our conversation stops at my mom. I look at the menu and figure out that except the pictures on the right corner of the menu I don't understand the exact content of the dish will have. Meg orders a simple seafood white wine deglazed spaghetti. She speaks English fluently to the waitress and her dazzling eyes that full of energy turns to me and signal me that it's my turn to order.
"Oh! Uh... I'll have the same one as the lady." I try to smile at Meg and the waitress to cover my ignorance. The waitress nods at us and leave us. I'm glad that the ordering is not too difficult. A sense of defeat showers in my heart due to incapable of understanding the menu; however, a sense of motivation permeates through my whole brain.
"I really really really want to master English." I try to squeeze the last "really" out of my heart because I know that "really" will mean a lot if I add that word after saying twice.
"Why?~" Says Meg with a relaxed voice. "I think you've improved a lot since a few years ago. I remember the first time I watched your interview in English, sorry to be mean to my favorite idol(the only one), but I really laughed in front of my computer for a seriously long time."A wide smile appears on her face. "Sorry Yuzu. Anyway," She coughs a little to clear her throat and starting to speak with a confirming tone. "Your English has improved a lot, Yuzu."
There is a smily face and a puppy-eyes face on my face right now even after Meg, the girl who I like, said that my english has improved.
"It's ok, Yuzu, don't you forget?" Meg suspected my puppy-eyes face and encourages me. "You got me, your translator! I will master especially in Japanese and English, and other languages. My dream is to become someone who can support you not just only by admiring you, Yuzu." Another smile floats like a lily, elegant and flat on the surface but its roots are firm and deep below the water,on her face. This is a reliable smile.
" Yeah, how could I forget that I got a trustworthy translator." I lay eyes on Meg and smile, just smiling, no laughters, from the bottom of my heart.
"Well, you have to wait for me to master the languages, I hope it won't take me too long." Meg shrugs.
"You'll catch up, I'll wait." I answer her.
"Oh! By the way, school's starting next week." She says.
"Good luck on your studies, Meg." I encourage her. "Nam asks you if you need some books. He said that he want to clean some space in his room."
"Really? Great! I'll contact him. Thanks for telling me."
"You got his phone number?" I ask.I have no idea where this question come from my mind but it just jumps right out of my mouth.
"No, but I got his Instagram. I'll message him before next week."
From out of no where, I feel relieved that she doesn't have Nam's phone number. Well, perhaps one day they will have each other's phone number and that is none of my business. It's absolutely free for Meg to have her own male friends and all of her same-aged-boys friends. I'm not being jealous! Or am I?? How could I be jealous of Nam? I shouldn't feel this way. Meg is very very very focused on me, not being narcissistic, but I know she's that in love with... Me. Plus, we're not dating yet, it's really none of my business to care about whose phone number does Meg should have. Thinking of which, I remind myself of the other goal of today's dinner.
"So, Meg," I try to change a subject. "I know that it's a little complicated, you know," I pause a while to make sure she feels fine to talk about this right now. She listens carefully as usual so I continue. Staring at her eyes while she stares into mine allows me to know what I should say upon her reactions. " our relationships. There are highs and lows. " I say very slowly like how a 65 years old literature teacher will be like when he is explaining a philosophy contained in an old fiction or poem. "But I think it's not the time yet." I see the tails of her eyes drop when I finish the line. When I sense the anxiousness, I continue my words. "It's not the time to let you been fixed under me. You're just 15 and in high school where you can meet other people the age as you and make more friends." Meg's eyes falls and she breaks our eye contact as if she knows what will continue. This is not going in the right direction, Yuzu, this conversation is not what you've planned. Get it back!!!
"I...." I sigh. "Meg, you are a lovely girl. Don't get me wrong, I like you very much. But it's just not the time yet to date you."
Meg says nothing. She stares at her glass of water and all I can sense from her is worrisome.
"Meg, do you know what I mean?" I try to make sure that she's still with me.
"Time is what we need."
"Well..." Meg finally speaks after an awkward situation. "I know that I'm still young, and no matter how matured I might think I am, I'm still young. I never want to become a trouble for you. That's why I never go into the club and see you practice. I'm nothing related to figure skating and I know that you wanted a skater to be your girlfriend who can understand your life and career the best. I don't want myself to become a disturbance."
"You're not! You're not one for me and not one for Brian as well!"
"I am! You shouldn't be sitting here and talking to me right now. You should have dinner with your mother. And rest."
I know my own limits and I think this time Meg is not being the Meg who I know.
"I'm here right now talking with you because I have something to say to you. If you said that I should go home when I think that I should solve our problem for our general good, then this is truly wasting my time and you're then truly a disturbance. Don't think so negatively about yourself, Megumi. I was just saying that we need time and you got on fire."

Damn it.

I should've zipped my own lips.

Meg looks up at the ceiling and I know that reaction. That's when she wants to cry but-does-not-want-to-let-the-tears-fall-down-to-let-me-see-it move.
"Alright, so I am a disturbance." She says with a shaky voice.
"No, ugrghh, no! I'm sorry, I don't mean like that...." I explain with a lot of eagerness. I want to erase the memories of both of us of the past 40 seconds!!!
"It's okay. I got it." She sniffs.
"Please! Meg...." I sigh from frustration. "Let me continue, this is not what I'm coming for today." My voice starts to shake as well. I don't want to see Meg leaving me. No, I don't want our relationship to end like this. Will it end?? Will it?? No, this is not what I've planned to do! I want to tell her that I... Love her?? Or do I like her?? My brain got all mixed up and I got so confused of what to do right now. And suddenly that I'm sure of one thing.
"I don't want you to leave me... I'm afraid to loose you." The words come out of my lips before my brain allows me to do. But these words mean something to me, because my heart is warmer, more confirmed, and more confident to tell Meg that I really really do like her.
"I'm the same." She says. "I know it's tough and it will be difficult for me to wait for you and to let you to wait for me to grow up. I can wait. But I rather leave you reluctantly and break my heart into pieces and then into powder than being a disturbance next to you. My worst fear is that one day you'll leave me and I'll be alone in void. All by myself."
"I promised you already. I will not leave you. But I really need some time as well, Meg. I've never date a girl before and I'm very confused as well. When we're older and more matured in our age and our concept of loving, we will be with each other, all right? I know how much you love me, but I need to make sure that I love you more than you love me to make you happy." After I said the last word, I know both of us are equally jovial because I have the most Meg-style smile on my face and she has my You-can't-see-my-eyes-when-I-smile smile on her face.

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Hello!!!! My update is not VERY frequent..... Sorry..... But I still hope you like it. I really appreciate all the votes and the comments. They REALLY mean a lot to me(no kidding, they really do.) so thank you very very much!!!!