Hana

Chapter 16 I'm right here, don't be afraid

Megumi

“No! Maggie, how many times do I need to tell you. I remember everything. I just need some time to recover.”

“Then why don’t you reply Yuz-“ Maggie is stopped by Angel.

“Maggie, watch out your words.” Angel whispers.

“It’s alright Meg, take your time.”Angel turns to me. She is currently my guard these days.

I became afraid of my idol. Every time I hear his name I will start shivering and my eyesight will just blinds out. It has been two weeks like this. I made my mom to put his magazine away and change my computer and phone desktop into something that doesn’t remind me of him. I hide my Line in the deepest part of my phone and never click on the application. 

After I tried to wipe him out of my world completely, I realized that how I am seriously obsessed with him. I just can not clean everything I have downloaded, the viewing history in my youtube account, my writings in everywhere. I feel repulsive and dizzy every day because every where I go, everything I do reminds me of him. His voice, moves, smiles, every details of him just are so hard to forget.

I became less talkative and smily than before. But something happened that is so different from what I expected. I start to make more friends than when I am attracted to him. I start to care about others than I care about my own. People around me started to compliment me that I look more elegant and peaceful than before. Perhaps the life without him can be a lot easier. All I need is time.

Reconsidering the three months I have spend my time, love, and passion for him. It is just so not a good bargain for me to give up of him right now. Also, the trip to Japan, I know that it was full of good memories, the best in the world, my dream. But I just can’t try to think about it. I feel I am right back at the time when I let Akira feel embarrassed because I am just being selfish. At the same time, I was being embarrassed in front of the whole program's student.

It was not his fault or Akira's as well. I can not overcome the fact that I let Akira feel ashamed because I don't want people to know my relationship with my idol. Then I was embarrassed in the public because Akira was embarrassed.

I do not dare to imagine him skating and he is about to show his new programs. Right now, I just want to overcome this phobia and get on to a new life.

My heart is empty. There is nothing. Literally nothing. The only thing that has full my mind is probably my school works. But that's my mind, not my heart.

I need something to fulfill my heart otherwise my heart will wither into a dry, tasteless heart. Anything. I feel so passive that I just need anything to make me happy, to makes me feel loved again.

"Hey, Megumi. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to shout at you last time." Akira says when he is in our classroom during break time.

"No, th....tha..that's" I start shivering. I took a deep breath and say" that's okay. And I'm sorry as well."