Little Rock-Star (GXG)

Chapter 31

(Devon's POV)

"Like..your parents." She whispers. The room goes silent as she says it.

"You know what, Alex? I fucking hate you. Okay? Fuck you." I spat out, my heart stinging and water in my eyes. I storm off to my bunk and climb in. I pull the curtain shut and bring my knees up to my chest. I let my tears fall.

She seriously had the audacity to bring my parents up. She knows how sensitive I am about that topic. I don't go around talking about how her parents used to abuse her, do I? No. So why the fuck would she bring that up? More importantly, why the hell is she standing up for Jeremey when she barley knows him?

I let out a loud sob by accident. I don't want them to hear me..damn it. I don't want them to come near me. Fuck. I don't want them to look at me. I bite my lip as I try not to sob. I grab my phone and check Twitter, trying to distract myself.

Wow, way to beat up a guy for being friendly, Devon! 

You fucking fag, they should date. Fuck you Devon!

Go slit your wrist and die. Fucking dyke. They should be dating each other, Alex is too good for you.

I shut my phone off and stumble out of the bunk. I silently walk to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. That last comment..slitting my wrist. I need something to take the pain away. Smoking isn't helping me. I need something stronger. I never cut before..but there is a first time for everything, right?

(A/N: Trigger warning.)

I open the drawer and find a shaving razor. I let my tears fall as I stare at it. I pick it up, clutching it in my hand. I stare at it, then the mirror.

Do it..

You're pathetic.

You aren't good enough.

Your parents kicked you out because you're a mistake.

Fucking dyke.

Go slit your wrist.

Alex is too good for you.

Without realizing it, I drag the razor across my left wrist. It hurts..but it feels good, does that make since? I feel numb. My tears fall down my face as I cut another line. I do this about 5 more times before stopping. My arm is now shaky as I realize what I've done. I drop the razor on the floor and grab a rag. I put it on my cuts so the bleeding stops.

I let out a sigh of relief once it stops. I bend down and pick the razor back up. I wash the blood off of it and put it back in the drawer. I pull my sleeve down and wipe my tears away.

No one can know about this.

This didn't happened.

I walk out of the bathroom and back to the living room, avoiding all eye contact. I look down and sit next to Skylar.

"Hey," She softly whispers. "You alright?"

I nod, not daring to meet her eyes. I keep my head down and tug at my left sleeve. I notice out of the corner of my eye Skylar eyeing me suspiciously. I take a deep breath and look up. I look around the room and see no Alex

"Where's Alex?" My voice is hoarse.

"In her bunk." Skylar responds. I nod and lean back in my seat.

~~~

Was it wrong for me to cut myself? Yes. Is it bad that I want to do it again? Fuck yes! I have this craving, telling me to do it again. I don't want too, but the voices in my head keep telling me to do it. It's like they won't stop until I do it.

I silently creep into the bathroom, locking it behind me. I stand in front of the mirror with tears silently going down my face. I open the drawer, picking up the razor. I stare at it, debating or not weather to do it.

Do it..

"Shut up.." I whisper.

Do it, we'll leave you alone if you do it.

"I said shut up!" I say, getting a louder.

Do it. You'll feel much better! Do it now!

"Shut up! Shut up!" I shout, throwing the razor on the ground. I slide down the wall, putting my head in my knees.

"Devon?" A small voice comes from the other side. "Let me in?" It's Alex.

"Go away!" I whisper.

"Not until you let me in!" Alex demands in a louder voice. I sniffle and unlock the door. Alex looks around and her eyes land on the razor. "Please tell my you didn't.."

"I-I d-did earlier..I-I was about to do it again.." I mumble. Alex picks up the razor and puts it in the toilet. She flushes it down.

Alex sits down next to me.

"Let me see." She whispers. I shake my head 'no'. Alex sighs as I cry. I notice tears pricking in her eyes.

"Don't cry.." I mumble. "..You're too pretty to cry."

"It's all my fault," She dryly laughs. "If I didn't kiss him, if I didn't say that.."

"Listen to me, Alex. It isn't your fault I did this, okay? None of this is your fault, I did this on my own. Don't you dare blame yourself. Just, do me this one favor. Don't fucking blame yourself." I tell her, looking at her.

Alex takes my left wrist and rolls my sleeve up. I look away as she looks at them. Instead of running away, she kisses each of them gently. I close my eyes as tears fall.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you did this. I'm sorry for kissing Jeremey. I'm sorry for taking his side. I'm sorry for bringing your parents into this. I'm such a dick. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I still love you. I cry myself to sleep at night, thinking about all of my mistakes. I didn't know it would lead to hurting yourself. I feel like an asshole." Alex softly says, still holding my arm.

"Do you-do you know how hard you make it to hate you? I'm suppose to hate you with all my fucking guts, but I don't. I love you. I fucking love you, Alex. And I also hate you. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for making me cry. I hate you because only you can do this to me, and I hate it. You are the cause of my pain, yet you're also the cure." I respond, now looking at her.

Alex wraps her arm around me, bringing me into a hug. I don't fight it, instead I bury my head into her shoulder, crying. This is what I need, someone comforting me. I don't care if it's Alex, I just need someone.

"I know," She softly speaks. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for causing you pain. I wish I could go back in time and change it all. I want too, I really do. I was stupid for kissing him. I wasn't thinking at all. It's just you were always busy and you had no time for me. I understood that, but I was selfish and I needed someone. I'm so fucking sorry."

I wrap my arms around Alex and hold onto her tighter. I missed this. Just her and I. Us wrapped around each other's arms, just holding each other. I fucking love this.

Alex stands up, making my arms fall to the ground. She scoops me up bridal style. I let my tears fall on her shirt as she opens my bunk. She puts me in there, getting ready to walk away.

"Wait," I grab her wrist. "Stay."

Alex reluctantly nods. She climbs into my bunk and closes the curtain. She turns to face me. She wraps her arms around me.

"Even if you don't love me.." I mumble, closing my eyes. "Just know that I'll always love you."

~~~

A/N: Please don't self harm. if you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to talk to me. don't ever think about hurting yourself. you're too beautiful to hurt. please.

~Gracie