Benedict Cumberbatch: Life With Ben

Chapter Sixty: Ben's Innuendo

The family of Cumber's gathered around the dining room table as we dug into the perfect cuisine of spaghetti bolognese, cooked by our own Nigella Lawson- Wanda! Yes, Nigella was known for her cheeky and naughty innuendo's but Wanda didn't supply us with those. Oh no, not Wanda. Instead, it was moi! Brought up in the depths of the Isle of Thanet, I was fluent in innuendos. Innuendos were our Cockney rhyming slang. Of course, I wouldn't have spoke in such a manner around my mother and father, for they were ever so prim and proper, but instead around Sam. The thing was, my innuendoes didn't work for dinners. They were much more suited for desserts. Each innuendo I'd crack, Ben would flush a bright red. Wanda would be oblivious to my humour and shrug it off but Timothy, the cheeky old man, would be crippled over laughing. My witty one liners would repeatedly punch him in the stomach as I said them so causally. My face straight as I'd blurt out this nonsense twoddle. Ben, who was dressed in the suit I had brought him, consisting of a white shirt, black slim trousers, a black jacket with a red thin tie, rested his hand on my thigh but would give it a squeeze as he tried hard not to laugh. The material of my white lace dress would crease in his grip. "It's got to gently trickle down." I said in a casual voice, as Wanda poured treacle onto the sponge cake, "Otherwise, it will get a soggy bottom." A smirk tickled my lip, curling it gently and Timothy and Benedict sat chuckling like naughty school boys. "Oh, of course, Claudia. I baked some buns the other week and I went to ice them but they were still warm so they became moist with soggy bottom." Wanda smiled to me, as she continued to poured. One. Two. Three! Three innuendos dropped at once all dropped by Wanda herself! I threw my head back laughing, and my glasses hung back onto my forehead, as Ben sat stamping his stripped socks on the floor, his grip on my thigh getting firmer and Timothy sat clapping like a performing seal. Wanda was confused. Her blue eyes crinkled and she furrowed her brow slightly, "What is going on? Why are you all laughing?" I shook my head at Wanda, "No, no reason, Wanda." I coughed as I tried to calm myself. Wanda then raised a brow and started to serve up the desserts. I sat and rested my head on the birthday boy's shoulder, giggling still. We all started to tuck in as the four of us sat around the table. The moisture dancing and skipping on my tongue as it trickled down my throat. "Oh, Mum!" Ben started to say before whispering "It's very naughty, and I am enjoying every mouthful." I choke on my cake as he said the naughtiest thing I have ever heard fall out his mouth. "Ben!" I gasped and hit his thigh and he smirked, "Yes, C?" His tone was full of innocence but he hid his naughty innuendo face well. "Naughty?" Wanda asked now not amused at all. Ben was in the dog house. "I- I meant, I am trying to look after my figure so all of this cake is going to go out to my hips." Ben said stumbling on his words slightly, trying to keep his dearest mother happy. Timothy sat shocked also at his son's innuendo, his jaw dropped, but still managing to shovel cake into his trap. Well this was awkward and ever so tense. Ben kept his hand on my thigh, as a cry for help, as his mother gave him that stare every mother gives to their children when they have done something but will not tell them what. Her eyes widened and her smile shrunk into a stern straight face. "What did you mean?" The delicate flower, being eaten by a snake hissed looking at her otter son. His finger pointed straight at me, "C started it! It was all C's fault! She started off the innuendos. Please, I'm sorry Mummy!" Ben coward and Wanda's eyes darted at me and I smiled sweetly but my stomach twisted, turned and the baby growing inside me hid it's tiny face. I thought this was it. Wanda wasn't my Number 1 Fan anyway (That was Timothy!) so I thought she was going to tear me to shreds, but no. Instead, something magical happened. Her stern turned into a smile and she burst out laughing "Oh, how grand!" Wanda chuckled and kissed my cheek before going to eat her cake. That was it. That was her response How grand. How grand. How grand. I giggled in delight and I nodded "Very grand indeed!" I chuckled, nodding in agreement. I smiled and gave Ben a look to say haha! In your face! I stuck out my tongue and went back to eating sophisticatedly. Yes, I can be sophisticated and eat with dignity still intact. Yes, I find it difficult but lets pretend I didn't get crumbs all down my dress and syrup on my chin and my nose! I don't fully understand how I got it on my nose but I got it on my nose!

Evening soon turned to night and dressed turned to nighties. Curled up in bed with my future husband. My head rested on his chest and my attention was on the TV. Oh! Will Whitney say yes to Lee's wedding proposal or is this the end of the lovebirds? Find out tomorrow on Eastenders on BBC One at 8pm. Now a surprise for the Doctor Who fans. A voice echoed through the TV and we sat bolt right watching the screen. The Doctor and Wendy's (the companion) faces flashed on the screen and everyone was jolly and happy. Then darkness. Pitched black. Silence. Then my face appeared, glaring down the lens. My eyes wide and my voice whispered "Soon. Soon it'll be my turn." I was stood in The Doctor's jacket, draping over a black band t-shirt and tight skinny jeans and holding the Sonic Screwdriver. My hair was wild and my face was filthy. My voice was low and I went to continue "I am-" but before I could continue my scream echoed the screen and the advert came to its end. Ben's eyes darted at me and smile smacked him around the face. "Baby! That was amazing!" He exclaimed holding me tightly. I giggled and hugged him back. "Are you the new Doctor?" He asked with a smile on his face and I shook my head "I'm not saying a word! You will never get it out of me." I giggled softly. "Sweetheart! Tell me please. Who are you?" "I am Claudia Digby but soon to be Cumberbatch. I'm nearly 19 and a mother to a beautiful baby girl. Who are you?" I replied with a smirk. Ben pouted and crossed my arms. "You've been sworn to secrecy by the Moff haven't you?" Ben grumbled playfully and I nodded. I said nothing else. As we continued to snuggle up in bed, watching Not Going Out on BBC One, my phone buzzed along the bedside cupboard as responses to the advert flooded my phone. A woman Doctor? Or has Cumberbatch's Lady killed The Doctor. One individual tweeted. Another asked @ClaudDigby have you killed The Doctor? Please don't kill him. The Doctor isn't allowed to die. I chuckled as I read them aloud to Ben. His hand on my tummy, rubbing it with a smile. "I am so proud of you, my Princess." Ben whispered and placed a kiss on my cheek.