The Monster (My Best Friend Eminem, My Husband Marshall Mathers)

Chapter forty-eight

Chapter forty-eight

            There was a knock at the door, following with someone coming in. Daniel stood in front of the bed his hands clutch together in front of him, he smiled pleasantly.

“Would you like to visit some of our patients?” He asked, “Get better acquainted?” I wipe the tears from my face and sniffled slightly.

“I’m not really in the mood” I said.

“Come on, it’ll do you good” he said pleasantly. I thought to myself it’ll probably do me some good, and it’ll be my first step to recovery.

            Daniel showed me around the activities and clubs to be in. He showed me the group therapy sessions that I will be a part of on Monday. He showed me the indoor pool, the different games and the café. It was all too much to take in. I could come and go as I please, there is no schedule I could eat breakfast at 12 and dinner at 9pm, as long as I keep to my  therapy schedule.

            It was all too much to take in. I excused myself and went back to my room. I paced back and forth, feeling those urges come back at full force. I calmly sat down on my bed, running my hand through my hair. I jiggled my leg nervously, thinking I was never getting through this, not alone.

            I picked my head up and gasped. There was a stand up mirror in front of the bed, next to the desk. It was the first time I actually saw myself. My muscles have shrunk, my abs is fading, my cheeks were sucked in, and my eyes had dark circles under them. The shine of my hair was gone and replaced with frizzy dull hair.

            I was not myself. I was not Marshall or Eminem. If anybody ever saw me like this, it’ll create a situation far more serious. I realized then this situation of mine had to be taken care of for sure. It was tearing me apart. I stood up and lifted my shirt up to realize my body was drying up.

            “Oh My God” I gasped. I was scared of myself. I looked like a monster. An echo came from outside that grew louder each passing second. It was muffled though, but clear to make out. Until I realized, it was one of my songs. It was the old me that I’m desperate to get back too. I smiled to myself that deep down old Marshall was still with me.

            “I’m not Afraid, not Afraid, to take a stand, to take a stand” I smiled wider as the car went pass the window, the music loud and clearer.

“Everybody…” I whispered. “Come take my hand…” “We’ll walk this world together…through the storm whatever weather, cold or warm just so you know that you’re not alone holla if you’ve been down the same road…” I smiled to myself.

            A strong energy came over me. I was overpowered by something.  “And I just can’t keep living this way so starting today I’m breaking out of this cage…” I sang. I started hearing the beat,

“I’m standing up I’m gonna face my demons I’m manning up I’m gonna hold my ground…” I said as I started to dance flexing my weak mucles. At the moment I could conquer the world. I know now I can do this I can fucking do this! I will bury these demons and take back my life.

            Quickly moving down the hall, to retrieve my schedule; I requested double therapy sessions too. I began working on my therapy forms, listening to my CDs; replaying ‘Not Afraid’ over and over. A new song came to me like lightening, quickly writing them on my notepad at my side.

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            “Will dad will be home tomorrow?” Ronnie groaned as he crawled into bed.

“Now, Ronnie…” I said, tucking him in. “We’ve talk about this, daddy won’t be home for a while” I said.

“We can call him anytime?”

“Anytime…” I reinsured him. Ronnie nestled into his bed, moaning sadly.

“What about seeing him?”

I sighed, “We will see him this weekend…” I said. I kissed his forehead telling him I loved him.

            As I crawled into my bed, alone, I began to think of the events of today. I felt like I was abandoning a puppy. Marshall was quite when I left, not much was said. I did most of the talking while Marshall clanged to me. A sudden loneliness came over me once I left him. Apart of me was missing.

            I curled around Marshall’s pillow inhaling his scent as I cried softly to myself. I took in the recent events and all the angush that came with it. I buried my face into the pillow and cried harder, hopefully for the children not to hear. I felt panic and a release at the same time. I wanted everything back to normal. How I pledded with God to make things right, I would give everything I have left.

            Hailie’s voice echoed in the next room, her tone rising and lowering at times; she was singing. Her voice was muffled against the thick walls but at the same time it was angelic. I knew there was no point in shouting to her to lower her voice. Weakly, I crawled out of bed wiping my noise and eyes. Her voice became clearer and softer.

            I wasn’t sure who sang it, but Hailie’s voice comforted me. The lyrics were deep and they also comforted me. I wanted to beg Hailie to sing the song again, but my want went away once she stopped singing.

“Mom!” Hailie hollered. I scrambled frantically to my room, hopping onto the bed, making it shake. I grabbed a Vogue magazine and casually began reading.

“Mom…” Hailie knocked at the door, “Come in sweetie!” I said, out of breath.

Hailie came in with her pink bunny PJ bottoms and tight white tank top that Marshall has scolded her about in the past.

“Um, can I ask you something?”

“Anything, love…” I said patting the bed for her to sit. She sat on the edge her legs straight out, her feet carefully on the floor, holding her weight.

“Can I come and see daddy with you tomorrow?” she asked. “Oh honey, I’m not sure when I’m coming home it might to late, you can call him anytime you want…why you can even call him now.”

            Hailie frowned. It was a rush to say goodbye to Marshall today. Hailie did not get a real chance to huge him for a while, like Ronnie or Laney.

“You can call him now…” I stressed. “No, its ok…I’ll call him tomorrow he’s probably sleeping.” Hailie kissed me good night.

“I love you mom” she hugged me. “I love you too baby” I said.