Under these Stars

Chapter 26: Empty

A/N this is gonna be a little realer than usual. 

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Nu-uh. This should not be happening. How did this happen? It's all my fault.

It's always my fault. 

I can never do anything right. Jokes on me for thinking that I deserved to be happy. 

"Stupid me. Stupid tears. Stupid feelings." I mutter under my breath as I furiously try to wipe away my tears before anyone can see them. Thank goodness I chose to wear waterproof makeup, though it is the only makeup I own. 

Are they fighting because of me? I mean, why else would they fight. Hunter and Mason don't associate with each other--their friend cliques are too different for that.  I'm their only connection.

Of course, it could just be Mason wanting to pick a fight with someone. He probably didn't like Hunter's face. 

Or he probably didn't like the fact that Hunter was dancing with me.

But why would he care if Hunter was dancing with me?

He doesn't care about me. He's Mason. 

A little part of me knows I'm lying to myself, but a little part of me hopes. That little part knows that Mason fought because he saw me. It knows Mason.

A heavy guilt forms a pit in my stomach because I could be the reason they get in trouble, or worse. I barge my way in to stop the fight but find some soccer players already separating the two of them. They grasp Mason and Hunter's biceps tightly to stop them from going at it. 

"What the fuck?" Allen stands between them. The crowd watches them with their phones in their hands recording the scene. 

"Guys, c'mon. Have some self-respect." He calls out the audience, as some of them put their phones down and into their pockets. There are still some who keep it in hand just in case. 

"And you two, whatever beef you two have. Settle it somewhere else." Allen looks at the two of them deadly. 

The two got both got some good shots in as Mason and Hunter look roughed up. I cringe at what they will look like tomorrow morning when the bruises shine brightly.

Mason shrugs off the guys around him, mutters something under his breath, and glares at Hunter. Then, he turns around and leaves.

I look at Hunter, who sighs as he gently tells the guys he's good. "Thanks." He tells the guys around him.

I turn around and leave the party. This is why I don't come to parties. There is too much drama. 

I leave in a rush, not wanting to deal with these people anymore. Standing outside the party, I dial for an uber and wait for it to come. On a late night like this, the uber will be expensive and take a while to come. 

I rub my arms and shiver a little as goosebumps form on my skin. Without the heat of other people and the warm atmosphere, the chilly air bites me sharply and rudely jolts me toward soberness. However, based off of how I have been walking and how I feel bubbly and warm, I am still a long time from being sober. 

Glancing around, I watch as people go in and out of the house. Some decide to chat amiably outside. Others choose to dance with drunk and free spirits outside. They are all in their own people world. 

I jump in surprise at the sound of a bottle shattering. I assume it's just another girl with her beer bottle slipping through her butterfingers.  Hearing a giggle and an apology, my assumptions are correct. 

I sit on the edge of the house's fencing. The cool flat marble fencing only makes me colder, but the beer in me fights it off. I watch the far away waves crashing into the sands. The bright full moon illuminates the night sky so I cannot see the stars clearly. Deciding to cancel my uber out of spontaneity, I take off my heels and make a run for the sands. The house is so close to the beach that it's only a five minute walk there. 

Must be quite a dream. I can't help but scoff just a little in my mind. People are dying and here's the rich sunbathing in their beach houses. 

But that's another tangent. 

I find a random spot and slump down into the ground. I throw myself against the soft sand and relax. My mind swarms with the thoughts and images of tonight's party. I try to distract myself with the sound of the waves crashing into the sand. Squinting, I look for the stars above the sky. The city lights cover most of the stars. I can see the airplane flashing lights that mimic the stars. 

  I really shouldn't have drank. 

The hollowness inside seems to grow larger by the second. Thinking back to my psychology class, I remember the teacher lecturing about how alcohol is a depressant. 

Well, that's what I get. 

I didn't take my meds because it's not a good idea to mix. The hollowness inside me is back and darker than ever. It's a monster that consumes and saps away all my good moods. Soon, I find myself swirling into an abyss of sadness and guilt. 

Within seconds, I can't stop the tears from flowing down my eyes. I curse my weakness. I hate myself for being worthless and helpless like always. I never seem to be capable enough to do anything. For instance, my brother stopped the fight before I could. He could always do everything better than me. He was always the strong one. He has grown so much, but I've stayed where I am at. 

I just want to lay here forever. I feel like I can't move due to these overwhelming feelings. It weights me down, and I just want to stop struggling against it. There's really no point. 

I let the feelings swallow me. I can feel myself drifting away and falling ever so deeply in the hole, letting the darkness pull me deeper and deeper. And soon, I reach the Emptiness. 

The Emptiness embraces me and welcomes me back. I've held it at bay for too long and almost welcome it as much as it does to me. And I just let everything be. 

It's quite nice in a certain way.

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A/N

I'm so terribly sorry that I suck at writing about mental illness. Though it has affected my life, I myself have not experienced it. Thus, writing it has been incredibly hard. Sometimes I get too carried away and forget to incorporate mental illness into her thoughts. 

I have been trying to though the following symptoms (WebMD credit):

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

early-morning wakefulness and/or excessive sleeping

Irritability, restlessness

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

Overeating or appetite loss

I haven't really touched upon the suicide attempts and thoughts symptoms simply because she doesn't have any. As written, she has been through therapy and prescribed drugs so she does not have suicidal tendencies but does express the other above symptoms.  She is healing but I haven't put a lot of details into the progress of how she is healing. Perhaps, I will eventually edit this story to create a more authentic and realistic story. 

Thank you for reading!

let me know what you think about this chapter :) It's a bit sad :/ But not everything can always be happy and gotta have some ups and downs!