Benefits

Ch. 50: When You Were Young

"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagine when you were young."

When You Were Young- The Killers

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I walk past my fathers office, he's deep in the computer, humming along a Frank Sinatra song that I cannot place. His reading glasses are on, as he clicks away with some files. A steaming hot coffee is next to him, almost completely black, making me cringe because I need a lot of creamer with my coffee.

I don't know what made me stare at me for more then five seconds, but it caught his attention through at his computer screen. He turns around swiftly, I could tell that he wants to scold me about not coming home last night, but he stops at the sight of me with his own eyes through his framed glasses. "Good morning." He half grumbles.

"Morning."

"How are you?" He asks awkwardly.

"Fine."

He nods, taking another sip to his coffee.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

I nod my head, and turn on my heel down to my bedroom. "Dawn?" He calls to me. I close my eyes in exhaustion. I walk backwards towards his office.

"Yes."

"Look, I know for the past couple years hasn't been great between us. And I know that it's been difficult to have an actual conversation without me being home from business trips and school, but I just want you to know that I do love you, and I hope that you still love me."

I'm lost from the words of my father, considering we don't talk much, and when we do it's two to three words. "Of course I love you. You are my dad."

"I don't want you to love me just because we are related. I know I hurt you in the past, and for that I will always hold that apart of one of my biggest regrets as a human being, I want us to grow as a family. Like we use too. I want to watch old Christmas movies, and pick out the Christmas tree like we use to." A sad smile crosses his thinnish lips at the memory.

If I'm being honest, I would have thought he would have forgotten those times together when I was younger because he was drunk half the time, but it warms my heart that he remembers those things.

"I do too." I don't know what I'm saying is true, but I do know that the more he brings up more old memories, the more I want it to be true.

"Alright." He smiles genuinely this time, no sadness in his voice or smile.

I start walking away again, feeling like dad and I are making an actual effort. I walk back again at the entrance of his office, he turns back again towards the door.

"And dad?" He raises his eyebrows for me to talk. "I love you."

He smiles at me again. "I love you too."

I was happy about the progression of me and dad's relationship, but I was still deeply upset about the departure between Jake and I. He wasn't even angry at me, as he tried to perceive to me. He was upset deeply, and I'm pretty much spat in his face. I always seem to ruin everything between us, and I'm sick and tired of my mistakes. All day I nervously cleaned the house, even trying to help my mom cook side dishes, but sadly she kicked me out. Saying I'd burn the house down. So that left me in my room pacing back and fourth for hours.

I took an hour long shower, but half the time I stood in the shower staring at the wet wall in front of me. I didn't want to wash what happened the night before, but the water scorches down my body, it made me just continue the scene of what happened early this morning. I used a flat iron to make my hair straight, adding a little curls along with it. I never usually do anything too special with my hair, but I needed to keep busy or I'd continue to just think about the mistakes I made with Jake.