Benefits

Ch. 98: My Tears are Becoming a Sea

"I'm slowly drifting to you (you)."

My Tears are Becoming a Sea- M83

TW: talks of rape and severe violence

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Anxiety. That's what I'm feeling right now. I can barely hold any of the oatmeal down this morning, but I swallow as much as I can with the coffee. I didn't get much sleep last night. One reason being, well, Jake, but I couldn't sleep either.

This is the day where everything changes. If Jake fails- then I'm Ledger's. There's nothing I can do to prevent this ultimatum. And if Jake does defeat Ledger, what's next? Does Jake become the leader? Is he able to leave? So many questions that no one will answer me. I'm afraid of the truth- I'm afraid of our ending.

"You okay?" My mother asks me as she sips her tea.

"Yeah." I clear my throat, "Just started that time of the month this morning." I lie.

She nods her head in understanding.

"Have you ever thought about dying?"

Jake asked me that last night, and I still don't exactly know what he meant? Does he mean his possible death after his demise, or something more sinister?

Death. It's something I've thought about multiple times in my life, but it's too dark to ponder now. There's much going on for me to even think about death. Suicide. Something that's not an option. My father would win if it were. Ledger would win- everyone would be right, and that the sick are helpless beings, and the only way to end their misery is to off themselves.

And Jake has thought of these thoughts. I know he has. The way he spoke those words of dying, it felt so familiar. I thought of dying- thought of ending things for me. If he didn't exist any longer, I would have no ties to the Underground. It's not that simple. Without him, life would be meaningless. And I know that's not healthy to say or to believe, but his death would be my ending.

I feel it now. The anxiety that fills my veins, entering my mind and makes me feel insane; like I'm a buzzer on a game show, and it continues to be pressed over and over again. I know he feels it too. He just doesn't want to say anything because it may overshadow my problems. His problems are my problems as well. But no, that's not Jake. He is the polar opposite of me. He's selfless, and I've come to realize that he only cares for me. I only care for him as well, but I guess in my eyes it's selfish to think of one person, but in his, he puts my needs before his. He's doing it now, fighting a fight that he might not know he will win.

"I'm hanging out with Alice after school. Won't be back until late." If I come back home, that is. I try to relax myself by clicking my fingers and breathing slowly.

"Is something else going on? Are you and Jake okay?" The concern is now filling her voice, and I snap my eyes at her. Her eyes now stare at my hands- she knows I'm anxious, but she's not sure of what.

"We're great," I answer. "I have to go."

"You didn't finish your oatmeal."

"Don't feel like eating," I say as I dump my food in the sink so the garbage disposal can eat away at the maple muck. "Alice is here anyway. She's picking me up."

"Oh, well, alright. What time will you be home?"

"Before you hopefully."

"I'll be out late tonight."

"Well, good." I walk over to her and begin to squeeze her waist. She's taken aback from the affections. We haven't hugged like this for what feels like in years. "I love you, mom." I don't know what will happen tonight. I may survive, but I'll come back home differently if things don't go our way. I'll be broken again, and the thought of falling into a spiral of depression causes my hands to form into fists; my short nails indenting my palms but not harsh enough to break the skin.