Breathe Me Back To Life •Patrick Stump+Fall Out Boy•

Chapter Seven: What If I Wanted To Break?

For the rest of the concert, I stayed in Fall Out Boy's dressing room. I refused to go out and watch my brother's set or the rest of Panic!s. I just buried myself under Andy's sweaters and hid in the couch. It was the closest I could get to burying myself alive. Pete wouldn't let me do that to myself.

I feel sick. I feel like I have goosebumps all over my body, slowly appearing as painfully as possible. I feel my stomach twist and churn, whatever contents in it wanting to escape from the hurricane about to happen inside my mind. But I don't get up. I just lie on the couch and tell myself I'm okay.

I might be okay.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll be okay.

I don't feel okay. I feel disgusting. I feel like it's happening all over again. I feel like Derek is hurting me all over again, and I can't stop it. I could have stopped him. If I just wasn't so stupid, I could have realized that Derek was fake. I couldn't have drank the drink he gave me. But I didn't realize that until it was too late. I drank it, thinking that he could never hurt me. He would never hurt me.

But he did, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I can't reach into my memories and tweak it, leaving out the things I don't want to remember; the terrifying flashes of him that come whenever I'm in any sort of situation that is so far off from what he did. Like when Andy was holding my arms back so they could tickle me. Or when Brendon jumped on top of me. I'm stuck with it. He took my innocence from me and I'm not sure if I can ever get it back.

I'm not okay.

I don't peak from underneath my cocoon of sweaters, I just listen as the boys of Fall Out Boy shuffle into the room, out of breath and sweaty. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter than before and focus on breathing. In, out. In, out.

"So, we're sleeping in the hotel tonight?" Andy asks, his voice getting louder as he walks in what I'm guessing is my direction.

"Yeah, we are. Can you check if Cole's asleep?" Pete responds. I hear Andy let out his adorable laugh.

"Already on it." Andy replies, and then I feel a hand on my arm, softly shaking it. I reluctantly roll over, still bundled up in his sweaters. I push aside a sleeve and peer up at him through tired, red eyes.

"Hey, you okay?" Andy asks softly, his voice so low, I bet the others are straining to hear what he's saying to me. I nod my head, earning a smile from him.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay...

I'm not okay.

I'm a liar.

"You did great today," Joe comments from across the room. I force a smile his way.

"Well, we're about to leave in about ten minutes." Andy says, pushing one of his sweaters aside so he can fully see my face. "I think Hayley is going right now, if you want to follow her."

"What about Elisa?" I ask, feeling my throat close up.

"Already back at the hotel. She's rooming with you, 'Trick, and Pete since you guys have the most room." Andy answers my question. I make a face, earning a soft chuckle from him. That's when I get suspicious. Does Andy not like her either?

"Do you like her?" I whisper so softly, watching Patrick pull off his Fall Out Boy jacket. His back is turned to us and he seems far enough that he won't hear Andy's reply.

He grins and shakes his head, making a grossed out face. "Complete bitch." He whispers back to me. I smile easily at him when he puts a finger to his lips as if to tell me it's a secret.