Breathe Me Back To Life •Patrick Stump+Fall Out Boy•

Chapter Sixteen: Wake Up, Take My Hand And Give Me A Reason To Start Again

||Patrick Stump||First Person||

"What the hell?" Pete picks up Cole's laptop, swiping his pointer finger on the mouse pad. He continues reading the webpage, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"PTSD is a reaction to being exposed to an event which is outside the range of normal human experience." Pete reads, glancing up at us in confusion. He bites his lip, and looks down, reading paragraph after paragraph to us. "The survivor must have experienced or confronted with an event that involved actual or threatened injury, or a threat to their physical integrity."

We all look up in surprise at that, unsure of what to make of it. Andy opens his mouth. "Read the symptoms."

"The survivor must show symptoms of intense fear, helplessness or horror. The survivor must experience distressing recollections of the event. i.e. flashbacks." Pete says, his voice cracking slightly. "The survivor persistently avoids things that remind them of the event. i.e. triggers. The survivor must be showing significant distress or impairment by the event, either in their social occupational or other important areas of functioning."

"Wait, wait, wait," I say, holding my hand up to stop him. I suck in a quivering breath. "Cole has anxiety. Of course she'd be this way, right?"

"Her anxiety worsened, 'Trick. Three months ago. No known answer as to why." Pete shoots me down with a logical answet, turning his attention back to the screen.

"Repeated and distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. Unable to distinguish between past events and reality. Such incidents are often called 'flashbacks'." Pete reads out. "Distressing and or frightening dreams about the event."

"Doesn't she have nightmares?" Andy asks us. I look over at Pete, who's staring right at me. I gulp.

"Yes." I answer. "Almost every time she actually does sleep. Night before Elisa came, she had a nightmare and I sang her back to sleep."

"Aww, Patty," Joe tries to lighten the mood and joke. I scowl at the nickname. He laughs more at that.

"Anyways, continue?" I ask Pete. He nods and takes in a deep, shuddering breath before continuing.

"Associating various words, happenings, or 'triggers' to the actual event which then causes a 'flashback'."

"Avoidance of anything that may 'trigger' a flashback including not talking about the attack itself."

I try not to think about all the times that she's panicked when someone touches her waist. I try not to think about all the times where she suddenly spaces out and has this petrified look in her eyes. I try not to think that Cole might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I try, I try, I try.

Better yet, Patrick, don't think. Don't think at all.

"Pretending it never happened and an inability to recall anything about the attack, 'denial'." Pete continues, his normally confident voice verging on the border of breaking. I inhale sharply.

Dear God, I hope this didn't actually happen to her. Oh God, oh God, oh God.

"A feeling of depression and isolation. A change in sleep patterns. More often or not the ability to sleep or stay asleep for any length of time. A lack of concentration. Avoidance of being touched, and shying away from loved ones. Sudden movements may startle. A lack of trust in anyone, even close family or partners. More irritable than usual. Outbursts of anger and crying. Mood swings. A feeling of low self esteem and confidence." Pete informs us, and holy smokes, this is terrifying just to hear.

"Deep embarrassment or shame. Sometimes self blame for events." Pete finishes, scrolling along to see if there is some sort of extras to be read. He shakes his head and sets the laptop onto the counter, pulling the lid closed softer than I though he would. He rakes a hand through his hair just as I momentarily pick my hat up and run a hand through my hair. We're silent for a moment. Almost all of these symptoms of PTSD have been demonstrated by Cole, and we've all witnessed them. Maybe it isn't just insomnia and anxiety. Maybe it's more than that.