Tell Me With Flowers

43. Self-doubts

MEGAN

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to say it was all a lie.

I wanted to storm past the halls and ask my mother what kind of help she had bestowed up on me.

I wanted to see the money she claimed to have given me when I came to town.

But nothing came out. It felt like someone was pulling the strings of my heart, eventually unlocking it to let all the hidden sorrow out in the open. The only thing that I didn't know was if I could survive when it came out to the light.

All these times, when my mother's call came and I had ignored it, was she planning for this? Had she been plotting this against me? A tiny part of me told me that she might have called me to give a warning and I had neglected it.

To be honest, her calls never made it till me and after the Christmas revelations and her visit, I didn't think there was anything left to say. I was only a doll in strings that danced according to their tunes. I had endured all their mean words just in a hope that one day, they would stop and perhaps if not love but like me.

But they never did.

Now that I had found something good for myself, they were bent up on snatching it from me too. All my life, I had been trying to get them like me. To make them feel proud of me. I thought going away into town without any money would make them feel that I was gone away for good. That they would be happy. But that never happened.

Now, they had come back, hunting me down.

What more did they want from me?

I saw my mother show them the tree trunk that my sister had carved when she thought she was in love with Martin, a guy next door. Those R and M stood for them for God's sake!

Mother had made sure that I looked like a whore that the town had gossiped about only a few weeks back. She made sure that they were all true with this one show. Now, everyone would question me if I was honest with them. Was that what she wanted from me?

When I saw mother say that she loved me and had forgiven me of all my sins, I was outraged. That was the last straw. The remote that lay next to me had found its way into my hands and soon, it flew to hit the television screen on spot.

Within seconds, the screen split in two and the box shut up for good. The silence soon filled the room and it started to suffocate me.

I was covered in hysterics soon. Everything that the media just portrayed was all false and even when I was innocent, I was playing the victim, taking all the blame on me only to please her who would never be satisfied with me.

"Darling, it's alright. I'm right here, it's alright." It was the first time that I realized that Miles was next to me, rocking me gently as I shouted illegible words. "Put it all out, it's okay."

I walked towards the cushion where my phone was discarded. Before thinking rationally, I was dialling the same number which I once had ignored. What a horrible mistake had I done that day? Was mother calling me to give a hint about this outbreak?

The call was picked up in the first ring. But I wasn't surprised. My mother had raised my sister, Rose to be a lawyer. I was sure she had anticipated this way before the idea of calling her popped into my head.

"Ah, I knew you would call me, my dear daughter." My mother's voice was dripping with honey and I cringed at her words. She had never once called me as her daughter till date.

All the anger and the frustration that I had cooped up in me, seemed to have tongue tied. I was in shock to even say a word back to her. It felt as if I was trapped in a box, struggling to breath. My hands were clammy as I held the phone in tight grip.