Ray . . .
Shit, shit, shit.
I looked down at the plastic in the palm of my hand, the two faded lines staring back at me. She can't be. We're not ready for that. I'm not ready for that.
"Rayan"
Y/N stood in front of me, worry evident on her features as she paused waiting for my reaction. The silence that followed offered her little comfort and I could see her concerns growing by the minute, yet I couldn't bring myself to utter a single word. My mind was racing, my thoughts preoccupied with my career, the fans, the tour, her degree, her career.
"Rayan please" she begged, her voice coming out a shaky whisper, "Say something."
I brought my hand up to my mouth, searching for the right thing to say, a wave of nausea swept over me as my eyes finally met hers. At this age, in our current situation, she can't honestly believe we are ready?
"Are you even listening to me?"
The worry that knitted her eyebrows together slowly turned into frustration, her breaths shaky as she picked up the closest object to her, throwing it to gain my attention. As the small cushion bounced off my arm, I snapped out of my daze and grabbed her wrist before she could launch the remote in my direction.
Clearly overwhelmed with emotion she began to shake, tears welling up in her eyes as she searched mine for an answer.
"Baby...I" I paused, licking my lips as my mouth seemed to suddenly go dry,
"I can't begin to imagine what this is like for you"
People usually had difficulty keeping me quiet yet now I couldn't even formulate a sentence. I couldn't find the words to soothe her or to express my fears on what the unexpected lines meant for us.
"What it's like for me?" Her eyes narrowed as she snatched her arm away, taking a step back, my response apparently not what she was expecting.
"This is our baby Ray-"
I cut her off, feeling the anger radiating off her,
"I'm not tryna start a fight with you Y/N" My voice cracked slightly and I took a deep breath trying to compose myself,
"Look, we ain't ready for a baby, w- we just ain't"
You could cut the tension with a knife, hurt and anger swimming within her eyes.
"So what are you saying?"
"We're still kids Y/N, how we gonna raise one of our own? What about food, clothes, shelter? I can't provide all of that"
"I'll find work, you'll be making money touring, we'll manage!" She threw her hands in the air exasperated, trying desperately to hide the fact she was choking up, but I knew her all too well.
"But that's exactly the point! I can't raise a kid if I'm off touring. I refuse to bring my child into this world when I have nothing to give them, when I can't even give them a father who's around"
Y/N bit her lip to try and withhold her sobs but it was no use. She sat on the couch, burying her face in her hands. It pained me to see her hurting but there was no denying that we just weren't ready.
"Have you considered an ... abortion"
Big mistake.
She flew up from the couch, tears streaming down her puffy face,
"You've got some nerve to tell me to get an abortion. So many people warned me about you, I should have listened."
Y/N laughed in disbelief although I could feel her heart breaking in two.
"You aint no different from any other man, you tell me you love me when all you really want is sex."
Deep breaths. I paused for a moment, taking her hands in mine despite how annoyed I was with her last accusation.
"Babe, I'm not tryna force anything on you but don't you think it's what's best?"
Fear still coursed through my veins at the possibility of bringing a child into this world.
"I let you hit it raw and now you think you have the right to play God?"
Before I could respond she stormed upstairs. I sighed once again, jogging after her and watching from the doorway as she grabbed a suitcase, hastily throwing the contents of her wardrobe into it.
"Regardless or whether I'm with you, I'm keeping this baby Ray"
She fumbled around, huffing in frustration as the zip jammed on one side.
"And I still don't know how you can act like this. All the conversations we had about your father being a coward yet here you are following in his footsteps"
Damn. A wave of nausea swept over me once again, her words cutting deep. My throat felt as if it was closing up as I forced the tears back, I had too much pride than to let her see me cry.
Despite having few of her belongings actually in the case, she managed to zip it up, heading towards the door with it in tow.
"...Wait"
I blocked her exit, looking down and silently pleading she would allow her eyes to meet mine.
"Move Ray" her voice as her sad eyes fixated on my chest knowing any attempt to push past me would be futile. I gently placed a finger under her chin, tilting her head up to see her eyes clouded with never-ending tears,
"I'm sorry. Please, don't go"
She sighed heavily as I wiped the salty droplets from her soft cheeks.
"Please" I whispered, placing my forehead on hers,
"I love you"
".... I love you too Ray"
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Inspired by "Lost Ones - J.Cole"
Edited: July 2017
