Chapter 39: Lost

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There was no doubt that Spencer loved her family and friend, but constantly being around them with no privacy was difficult for her. She already had limited time to herself because of her son, but now it was even more difficult to get some time away. Whenever she went downstairs, whether it was to cook dinner or to relax, she couldn't be there for two minutes without her son asking for homework help, or Hanna needing something from her, or her parents asking her what her plans were.

It was like a three-way game of ping pong, and she was the ball. As soon as she'd sit down to help Isaac with homework, her mother would make a not-so subtle remark about Spencer being "lonely", and how she needed someone to "take care of her", as if Toby wasn't right there. When she'd confront her mother, Hanna would chime in, wanting to go out with Spencer instead of stay in, wanting to do something only twenty-somethings like Hanna could do, like clubbing or partying. Then Spencer would get frustrated, since Hanna had to move out of the guest room and onto the couch, and she didn't exactly keep her area tidy. Spencer's father would be silent, and although he wasn't doing much, she could tell he was mentally siding with her mother, and she was angered by that.

And over everything, Spencer felt terrible for Isaac and Toby, who were getting the least amount of her attention. They could never frustrate her; they were the two people in her life who actually cared about her sanity. And they were getting the worst of her.

One evening, after she was sure that everyone besides her and Toby had gone to sleep, she decided to vent. She vented for what felt like hours about how inconsiderate her parents were, and how irritated Hanna had made her. And thankfully, Toby listened. He didn't try to give his opinion, nor did he try to talk her out of her feelings. He just listened.

"I just feel bad. You and Isaac are being so sweet and patient, and I feel like I've been terrible to you too. Isaac is struggling in math and I can't help him through one problem without my mom making those remarks. I mean, what the hell was that? She knows that Mark and I are in a really bad place, and that I have you. I can't believe she said that in front of you-"

"Shhh, Spence." Toby said, rubbing his girlfriend's shoulders and moving her hair out of the way so he could kiss her neck, "You need to relax,"

Spencer got goosebumps at the feeling of Toby's lips against her skin. She wanted more than anything to give in and kiss him, but even in the late hours of the night she still had work to do. Even though she was on a holiday break, she still had a copious amount of work to finish, since she wanted to graduate early. They weren't due until the day she'd come back from break, but she wanted them to be done as soon as possible. Her days were filled, so she had to resort to getting them finished at night, which kept her from sleeping. "I can't," she whispered, their noses touching.

Toby kissed her forehead, his arms wrapped around Spencer from behind. "Just take a few minutes for yourself. Do what you want to do, not what you feel like you need to do. I just want you to be happy,"

Spencer smiled, "I want to take a shower,"

"Alright," Toby said, "I'll make you some tea,"

Before getting up, Spencer leaned over again and kissed Toby. "Thank you for being exactly what I need,"

-

As Toby waited for the water to boil, there was a knock at the door. Toby hesitated to answer it, since it was nearly midnight. He answered it, though, thinking it might've been  something important.

He opened the door, revealing Mark. His hair was messy and he had visible bags under his eyes, as if he hadn't slept in days. "Toby? I didn't think you'd be here," Mark stated, surprised.

"I live here now," Toby told him, concerned, "what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see Spencer-"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Toby warned. He knew Spencer was under a huge amount of stress, and Mark being there would only make it worse.

"Please. I want to see her," Mark begged. It was then that Toby noticed that Mark could barely stand up straight, nor could he finish a sentence without slurring at least one word.

"Mark, are you drunk?" Toby asked, shocked at his behavior, "Did you drive here?"

"I had to see Spencer," Mark said yet again, as if he had nothing else to say and that was his default.

"I'm taking you home." Toby said, asking Mark to give him his keys.

Mark's apartment was only ten minutes away without traffic, so Toby hoped that Spencer wouldn't notice he was gone.

"Why would you do this to yourself? You could've gotten yourself killed tonight," Toby scolded once he arrived and parked in front of Mark's apartment complex.

Mark looked at him for a minute. "I don't have anything anymore," he admitted, "I don't have my kid, I'm drowning in student loans, I don't have a legitimate job yet."

"Mark-"

"You know, as I was driving to your place, I thought, maybe if I'm lucky she'll take me back. And if she took me back, then everything would be okay. But she has you now, and I screwed up so bad that she doesn't even want to look at me."

"Coming to our house drunk wouldn't have fixed anything," Toby said.

"I figured that if that didn't work then I'd drive myself off a bridge. Give my mom some peace of mind, thinking it was some freak accident and I didn't take my own life," Mark continued.

It hurt Toby's heart to hear Mark's words. He spoke with almost no emotion, and he could only stare at his hands. He didn't want to leave Mark alone, but he didn't want Spencer to know he was gone.

"I will talk to Spencer. But I'll have to tell her everything you just told me. I know it's hard, and I'm going to do everything in my power to get you and Spencer on good terms again. You will find somebody, Mark, and when you do it'll be epic and amazing. And you'll be happy. I know Spencer is angry with you right now, but I know she wants what's best for you, too. And self-destructing like this won't do anything except make things worse."

In a second, Mark turned to face Toby, a small, barely-convincing smile appearing on his face. "Thank you."

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