You're Shit At Lying

Chapter 67 - It's Even Harder To Pretend

i feel like everything is going wrong in my life, but nothings even happening. everything is getting too hard to even cope with. i'm hating myself more and more each day. every time see my self in the mirror or on camera, it hurts. like yeah i do sometimes joke about it, but i do actually feel these things. i'm an ugly fat cunt, and i could do easily change that. i could go to the gym, i could loose weight, but i feel like i can't. i'm not lazy, at least i don't feel like i am. i'd say i'm more unmotivated i guess? i'm twenty two years old now, and honestly, i don't know why i'm still here. i could give up so easily, so why haven't i done it? i came close to it a week ago, but i didn't, obviously. i didn't tell the boys, again, obviously. i'm not ready to tell them anything and especially anything like that. i don't know what's going on. i don't know how i feel half the time. i'm confused. i have a lot on my mind, yet it feels so empty. i hate life, my life. i'm scared, really really scared, and i don't want to talk to anyone about anything, but i want to.

people never used to realise how i felt, because i'd just cover it up by laughing and joking around. when with my friends, i'd always put up this happy front, and pretend to be fine. it worked for a while, a long time actually, but i can't do it anymore. they know me now, the real me. the sad depressed fuck who hates himself. the one who can't go a day without crying, the one who cant help but cut his skin up, the one who can't eat a meal without wanting to fucking kill himself. that's all i am to them now. they worry about me, all i am is just something to worry about. it feels like i'm not a person anymore. sitting back and thinking about it, everything is messed up, and it always has been. i'm not like everyone else. i'm different. i'm stupid, i'm ugly and basically just the opposite of everything i should be. i feel like shit. i look like shit. i am shit. i feel like when i look in the mirror i don't see myself, just some broken man. it's as if i'm not me anymore and i don't know how to feel about it. i say i hate myself, and it's true, but i'd rather be me than no one, if that makes any sense. i'd rather be this messed up person in my body, than not be a person in my body. but I feel like that's already happened, and i can't go back to how i was before. i'm not a person anymore. I'm just here. i love that feeling, but at the same time, i hate it.

Everything is getting too hard. yes, it seems like everything is the same as it was before but it that's just not true really. It's so much pressure to 'try and get better' but it's even harder to pretend to do it.