You're Shit At Lying

Chapter 79 - Hurt

ETHAN'S POV:
It'd been hours since I left the house, and only now was I on my way back. I had a few fags round the back of the house before I left, and then went for a walk, which resulted in another pack of cigarettes and a few beer bottles. I wasn't drunk, not really, but I did stink of smoke. I just hoped that anyone wouldn't notice before I got in the shower. The boys did so much to help me get sober a few years ago, they'd be disappointed if they found out I'm doing this shit again. I'm not as bad as I was back then, not at all, because I could still stop if I wanted to. I used to be drinking everyday, and smoking way too much, and I really am thankful that they helped me stop.

"Bravo! The amazing 'PastaZerkaa!" I heard from the kitchen, as I opened the massive oak doors. "Josh, it's literally Tesco pasta, stop gassing yourself." Simon exclaimed, as he smirked to himself, proud of his comment. Josh looked over to me as I tried to walk past silently, in need of a shower, and the smile instantly vanished from his face. Why is he so mad at me? I said sorry for what happened at the hospital, multiple times, and Harry forgave me, so why hasn't he? I really don't get it. All of the other boys seem to be fine with me, so what is it? I continued to walk past them, and ran up the stairs straight to Harry's room. I wanted to talk to him. I reached the door, and didn't even bother to knock, as I walk straight into the room. "Harry are you awake?" I quizzed, as I closed the door behind me. "Harry?" I spoke again, as I shook his shoulder lightly. "For god sake Harry, wake the fuck up!" I shouted whilst still managing to keep my voice in a whisper. I shook him once again, and after what felt like an eternity, he finally opened his eyes. I smiled gratefully as I collapsed onto the desk chair next to the bed. "What the fuck do you want?" He sloppily spoke, as he threw his head against the pillow. "You had me kinda scared then bog." I admitted, wiping the small amount of sweet off of my forehead. He sat up and looked at me, with a confused expression on his face, that quickly turned into one of disgust. "You've been smoking," He said bluntly, showing his disapproval of the vile act. "It's really bad for you." he sulked. "Well it's not as bad as what you do to yourself is it?" I snapped, instantly regretting my words as I looked to him. He seemed hurt. Of course, he had every right to be, though seeing him hurt, hurt me.

"No I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," I tried to apologise, as he turned to face the wall. "Harry I'm sorry, you were just trying to look out for me, I shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry." I begged for forgiveness, as he chose to ignore my words. "Harry please, I'm-" "For fuck sake, stop trying to apologise. You're sorry, I get it. Now please can you just fuck off?" he interrupted, his voice staying in one tone. "but i-" I tried to speak, though again, I was unable to, as he cut me off. "Oh my god. Ethan. I forgive you okay? It's all good, I'm good." He tried to persuade me, as he sat up from his bed. "But you're not though, are you?" I said carefully, directing my eyes to his freshly stitched up arms, which he quickly covered with a pillow from where his head was. "Harry, why did you do... that?" his lip quivered slightly as I asked him, though he didn't answer. "Were you trying to, you know-" I contemplated my words, and struggled to ask the question. "For fuck sake. No. I wasn't going to kill myself." He stated, obviously annoyed at me for what I was insinuating. I looked him in the eyes, with adrenaline fuelling my body, made from a desire to know and understand. "What were you trying to do then?" I asked a dangerous question. I was just curious to know the answer. "I-I was I-" he stuttered "I was just trying to ease the pain okay? I wanted to get rid of it?" He questioned himself as he spoke. "So, you wanted to get rid of pain, by inflicting more upon yourself?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"You don't understand." He muttered with his head in his hands. "Why don't you help me to then?" I offered. I want to understand, but I know he won't let me. He's just like that, it's the way he is. "Not right now Ethan." He spoke grimly, as he laid back down and closed his eyes. I mean, it was worth a try, right?