My Unknown Life

Chapter 27

Chapter 27

I looked at her in shock, all of my life I never really trust or depend on someone except her, and now I’m getting what I deserve, but I never thought I would hear it from Cassy. I took a deep breath and looked at her, “don’t you know that I know that? Don’t you know that if I wasn’t weak dad and our stepmom would still be alive? Don’t you know that I know if I wasn’t weak, what happened to me wouldn’t have happened? I know it’s my fault, all of it! Me getting raped, our stepmom dying, dad dying. I wake up every single day wishing I could change that! Wishing that I was the one who died in the car accident! Wishing that I died on the bridge, when I tried to commit suicide! So yea, I know I’m weak and I’ll always will be, so what you are saying to me is the same that I say to myself every single day I wake up and ask myself why I’m still alive”!

By now I’m standing in front of her, piss off, I want to hit her or punch her but I know that would make all worst. “Yea, it is your fault! It’s your fault that dad died, it's your fault that our stepmom died. If you wouldn’t have been just a spoiled brat and didn’t go to that party, then she wouldn’t have been on that road, she wouldn’t have died. It’s your fault… you should’ve been the one who died”. I looked at her, I can’t believe she said that. “Fine, you want me to die, than I’m dead!” I yelled. I pushed Sarah out of my way and ran to my room. I don’t know if she means it or just because of the argument. But right now I just really want to die. I walked to my dresser and open up a draw, where I know there is a knife. 

I held it in my hand looking at it, I know dying like this is a bad way to go, but I just don’t know how to go on, I lost everybody, all of my family, and I know it’s my fault, I know I cause the pain that Cassy feels. I promise dad that I would take care of her, not hurt her, and that's what I’m doing, because of me, because of what I did, I hurt her more than I ever did. I heard a knock at my door, I quickly shoved the knife back in the drawer and closed it, right when Sam walked in. “Did you hear everything”? I asked, already knowing the answer. “Yep”. He walked towards me pulling me to him. I quickly hugged him back, loving the warmth he provides. We hugged for a little while, then he pulled make and kissed me on the head, “you wanna talk about it”? I shook my head, putting my head on his chest. I know it’s upsetting him that I won’t talk about it, but I don’t even know how to talk about it, everything what she said is true, and if I tell him that, then I know he will get mad and I don’t want him getting mad, I’m still a little scared of me and what he- I mean we- are, and I don’t know what he would do to me if he gets too mad.

After a while, we ate supper and went to bed. I stayed up for hours, thinking, I couldn’t go to sleep, not after what happened. I hadn’t heard from Cassy or Sarah. I hope that Sarah isn’t mad at me either. After a few more hours of laying down, trying to sleep, I finally got up and went to the gym, maybe if I get out of the house, I can clear my head. And normally the gym is where I feel most relaxed. It's funny though, normally I would feel mad, but I don’t, I don’t feel sad, or mad, or nothing. I just feel nothing.

WEEK LATER

It’s been about a week since mine and Cassys’ fight, not one of us have talked to each other. Sam have been worried about me all week and I know why, he overheard the fight and what I told Cassy. I wish he wasn’t so worried about me, I hate it when people do, it feels weird, but I also understand why, I know he loves me, and I love him, I just can’t express it, and I hate it. I just hope he knows. It’s actually been a busy week this week, Sam been preparing me for the swift, he say its gonna feel like my bones are breaking, which they are and the pain will be the most painful feeling I will ever feel in my life. I will admit, I am afraid of the swift, but I’m also excited about the swift. Since Sam was busy today with pack stuff, I finally got some time alone, which to tell the truth, I hate it. I gotten so use of being with Sam that I don’t like being by myself. With Sam, everything that bothers me, just goes away, I don’t think about it, I don’t worry about nothing, I’m actually happy. This week, despite everything that happened and what we have been preparing, it was so fun being with him. I never thought I could love anybody, (even if I don’t express it all the time), I still do, but as everybody knows, I’m not good at expressing emotion, except anger. 

Since I finally got some peace, I decided to catch up on my favorite TV show, Supernatural, it is so good, I love this show. I’m at the season with the Leviathans, the episode when Bobby dies.. I always get choked up on this part, it's so sad. I was getting really into it when I heard a knock at the door. Serious, the one time I decide to watch the show, someone wants to bother me. I stopped the show and open up the door, I got tackled in a hug, “I missed you, Sam’s been hogging you the whole week, we’ve barely hang out”. Sarah said.“I know” I said hugging her back. We walked in the living room, sitting down, “So, what you been up to?” She asked, “nothing much, Sam’s been preparing me for the swift”. “Ohh, cool”. She looked at me then smiled… oh no… “Let’s go shopping”! Sarah screamed. Before I could say anything, I was janked up from the couch and in her car. She turned on the radio and started singing, luckily, we got the same taste in music, which is Rock and Country, but we listen to more rock than anything.

I smiled at her and shook my head laughing a little bit. I looked out the window, then I heard a familiar melody, I quickly turn up the radio a little bit and started singing ‘Call Me’ by shinedown. Shinedown is like the best band ever. I don’t normally sing, especially in front of people, but if Shinedown comes on, no matter where I am, I’ll sing it. Once the song was over, Sarah turned down the radio and looked at me with wide eyes. “What?” I said getting very uncomfortable. “Why didn’t you tell me you could sing” “because I can’t” “Umm… have you heard yourself lately? You have a beautiful voice. '' I rolled my eyes and turn up the radio.