dreamer//h.s

17//time

Harry Styles
July 14, 2021
LA

Life sucks ass sometimes and that sometimes can last for a long time.

I have been in a constant state of just living. Living because well I want to be alive but I also have a career to maintain. I am not living how I was. I am not happy.

I have had a decision haunt me for 3 years. I regret what I did to her and there is no taking it back. If I could, I would.

I just know that I broke her because I broke myself in the process. I never wanted that to happen. But, it did and I have to live with it.

After that night, I had a distraction. The next morning I decided to head to Malibu early and so that I didn't turn around and rush back to Ila. I needed to be the strong one and hold myself to it. I stayed at the beach house by myself for a few days. There I threw myself straight into work. I also drank so much to the point I don't remember the first few nights.

When the team got to Malibu, I had to explain to them what was going on because Ila went to them. I lied to them when they asked if I got her texts or calls. I told them that I didn't but I did. I stayed up at night listening to her voicemails. Every single one.

We stayed in Malibu for 6 weeks and wrote and produced the new album in those weeks. Though I broke my own heart and I was depressed, I was over the moon with this album. I was so happy with it and I think it was my best work.

The album definitely is filled with Ila.

I released my second album, Fine Line, in December of 2019. From there I threw myself into promoting the album and announcing the tour for the following summer. I was the host and musical guest for SNL, I hosted the Late Late show, and so much more. I also was one of the co-chairs for the MET in May 2019.

It was the distraction I needed at the time.

In the months leading up to the tour, I was depressed. The most depressed I have ever been. So I made the decision to postpone the tour until this fall. So that I can take care of my own mental health and also dabble a little bit more into acting.

I signed on to two movies. Don't Worry Darling wrapped a little into the new year. My Policeman just wrapped up a few months ago. I also won a grammy for Watermelon Sugar. Since filming for My Policeman was in Brighton I decided to stay a little longer with my mum and Gemma since I don't see them often. Which brings me to today. I flew back into LA last night and now that I feel better mentally it's time to get full swing into the tour. I am busy today which is good.

It is about 7 in the morning currently and I just woke up from my alarm. I find that I am more productive if I start my day at the gym. Groaning slightly from the inconvenience of getting up since I just got back into the country, I roll myself out of bed.

The first thing I do is throw on gym shorts and a random t-shirt, just something comfortable to work out in. After I head into my bathroom and brush my teeth. Since I am heading to the gym I will shower when I get back. I head back to my room and throw on my gym shoes.

Before I head downstairs I grab my phone from my nightstand. When I make it downstairs, I fill my water bottle up and grab a small protein bar. Knowing Jeff will be pulling in my driveway any second I grab my gym bag and anything else I may need and head out.

Just like that Jeff is pulling into my driveway so that we can head to the gym together. Jeff has been my rock more so now than ever these past 3 years. He was there every late night phone call or just me showing up to his house. He understood when I went to him about pushing the tour. He was my number one supporter when I decided to start going to therapy.