dreamer//h.s

18//all those years ago

before you start reading; this is a major flashback chapter. 
TW: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, mentions of drinking, drugs, sex to cope
(photo is a reference of what Ila looks like now)

enjoy :)

Ila James

Waking up this morning, my chest feels heavy.

Last night was one of, maybe the best nights of my life. I got to have everyone I love in the same place to celebrate my birthday.

I didn't get to tell Harry that I love him. I was going to tell him on the balcony. It all started because of the balcony in Basel. I had it all planned out in my head. I was going to talk to him about dreams and why I think my dreams brought me to him. But, he shut me out and took me home instead.

I am waking up in my bed, alone. A foreign feeling.

Grabbing my phone and propping up against the headboard, I text Crimson and Blair back about brunch. I also text Harry. Since I couldn't tell him last night, I need to tell him today. Usually he texts me back within a few minutes unless he is asleep or really busy.

It's been an hour. I texted him an hour ago before I got ready for brunch. I thought he may answer while I was getting ready so that I know when I will be seeing him today.

He read it too. He never leaves me on read. So I called him. It immediately went to voicemail.

"Hey baby, um I don't know what is going on. Can you please call or text me? I'm sorry if I did something. Please call me."

I also texted him again. As soon as I sent the text he read it and didn't respond. So I texted him again.

To: H <3
11:07 am: Good morning loverboy! Let me know when you are up so we can plan on what we are doing today.
12:00 pm: Hey H... um did i do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Call me.
12:02 pm: H comeon, this isn't funny. Please just fucking text me back, call me something.

While at brunch, I was in my head the whole entire time. I acted like I was listening to what the girls were talking about but I was just thinking about Harry. I texted him a couple more times.

12:50 pm: H, can you PLEASE call me? Are you mad at me? I don't know what I did.
1:19 pm: Harry, please?

I got home after brunch and called. Voicemail again.

"Hey H... um I don't know why you have ignored me and left me on read. If this is a prank it's not funny and you need to stop this bullshit right now. Okay I love you."

Voicemail after voicemail, nothing.

Text after text, nothing.

I sat in a chair facing out the window, all day, all night.

Trying to remember if I did something or said something that would cause him to be mad. Coming up empty handed.

Around 3 am I called an uber to take me to his house. When I got there, the house was pitch black. No remnants of the night prior. Going into his room and not all of his clothes are here. His bathroom is empty of toiletries other than my tooth brush and skincare.

Something weird about it was there was a crew neck that was folded and put on the side of the bed I occupied. Picking it up I finally breakdown for the first time. Falling to the floor, weak at the knee's. My worst nightmare coming true. 

Tobacco vanilla.

He left.

He left and didn't tell me.