dreamer//h.s

22//angel

Harry Styles
July 18, 2021
LA

These past few days have been utterly amazing. I honestly never thought that I would be this happy again and that is because I never thought that Ila would be back in my life. Even when we ran into each other at Beachwood I didn't think anything would come after that. I just didn't think she would ever accept me back into her life. Everyday I have been waiting for me to wake up from a terrible dream. Thinking that having her back in my life is all just in my head.

When I went over to her apartment for dinner, I was so nervous. I didn't know what to expect if I am going to be honest. I definitely can say that I didn't expect her to forgive me. She didn't seem to blink at the idea of us coming back into each other's life. You would think a dinner like that would be awkward. But, it wasn't. It felt like we hadn't seen each other for a month, not almost 3 years. It didn't feel like I was on my deathbed. That is because it is Ila James. Everything is just easy with her.

Something I never would have thought to see was that she had listened to my self-titled record. I honestly thought she would have barred my music. When I was looking for a record I looked to see if there were any signs of her having Fine Line. I couldn't find it, so she may not have even listened to it. Which part of me is upset at that idea because I poured all my feelings for her in that album but also I understand why she wouldn't want to listen to it.

I know that the other day at the studio was rough on her. Even though she didn't show it I know she listened to the lyrics of Grapejuice. Even though I know that she knew what I was saying in that song she had a good time not only because she was watching the process but also Mitch was there.

After the studio when we were in the car heading to my house I thought I saw the light in Ilas eyes disappear when she was looking at her phone. When she finally told me why that was, my heart sank. I knew whatever Will did to her back in highschool was awful, but I didn't think it was that bad. My heart shattered hearing what he did. To know that she gave him another chance upsets me. It upsets me because I know Ila. I know she knows what is right and what is wrong for her. I also know that I have no right to tell her who she can and can't be with.

She put her trust back into him and now he is back in his old ways. All because of me. I don't even really understand why he would hate me that much. I have never met until that day at Beachwood. Frankly I don't care that he doesn't like me because I will do everything in my power to make sure she breaks up with him for good. She is mine and I will make sure I get her. I don't know how but I will. I am more determined now than I was 3 years ago.

A lot of people say that eventually you fall out of love with someone if it's been years of you being away. Honestly for a long time I was hoping and praying that was true. As the days turned into months and the months went to years, my love never faltered. It fucking sucked. There were times I wished I could move on from the girl that I was too scared to tell how I felt about her. I finally accepted defeat and just dealt with always being in love with Ila.

Speaking of Ila. I didn't see her yesterday and that made me very sad. She told me that she was busy with shoots and other work which is very understandable. We texted throughout the day and she facetimed me last night before I went to bed. Today is another day that I don't get to see her. I have to be at the studio today and also a production meeting after. But, we are having it at the studio today so that is very nice.

Ila is busy again today but mentioned that she may try to stop by later if she can get out early. I really hope she can because now I am really deprived of my sweet girl.

I woke up about an hour ago. It's around 10 am, which is weird for me but I decided to skip going to the gym this morning since it is a Sunday and I also just didn't feel like working out. I have just been on my phone and watching mindless tv.