dreamer//h.s

26//youre on your own kid

hi guys! before you read this chapter please read this a/n. this chapter is a lot. please know that there are triggering topics in this chapter. if this is to sensitive that is perfectly okay. please message me on here or my twitter if you would like the cliff notes. take care of yourself! 
TW: physical/domestic abuse
if i forgot any others please let me know!

Ila James
August 14, 2021
LA

The human mind is unique. It can be the greatest thing because not only does it keep us alive but it also can be our strongest weapon. It might even be the greatest weapon that everyone has. But, it has its consequences because it can be very dangerous. Our minds can easily play tricks on itself. Our mind may never shut up when that's all you ask for. Our minds can ultimately be the death of us.

All night I just wished for my mind to just shut up just for even a second. But, it wouldn't. My mind kept racing, thinking about what happened. Causing me to wonder why it happened and what I did for it to happen. I thought that I finally did something right when it comes to him.

I thought that if I finally told him maybe we'd finally take the hint the universe gave us. At that moment last night, I thought I finally got it right. But, the world is still winning and im. Yeah I got the career of my dreams, but I've realized none of this is fulfilling without him.

Harry has owned my heart, mind, and soul since that day in Hamburg. It has been three years since he has taken his rightful claim. Last night when he looked at me like the way he did while we were dancing, everything clicked. All the dots connected themselves. It seemed I was finally starting to get a leg up on life. It felt like if I cut the shit and said it to him, the chase was done. That would've been too perfect. I wouldn't have to chase him. We could finally let our guard down. Finally live the life I've been building in my head for the better part of three years.

Going into it last night I knew Harry at one point had feelings for me. I knew that there would be a chance he didn't feel the same anymore. I didn't know how I expected that conversation to play out. I just knew that I had to tell him. Even though I didn't know what to expect I would've never expected him to kiss me. I didn't even expect to have a makeout session with fucking Harry Styles.

I just wish he'd stop beating around the bush and be open with his feelings. I just don't understand how he can make a whole album based on vulnerability, but it's the one thing he can't show me. So I thought that maybe he'd talk. He'd express his feelings in words. But, he couldn't so he showed me through actions and songs and I'm sick of it.

I feel humiliated, sad, and heartbroken about what happened. Last night, Harry was the only thing on my mind. Will had ceased to exist in that moment and if I'm being honest, it was a relief. It was just me, Harry, the stars. Honestly, all I wanted was to be in his presence and experience his warmth. I know why Harry stopped and I understand his reasoning. But, I feel awful and no matter how good it felt after the dust had settled, I feel so fucking guilty for what I did. I'm going to break up with Will. Things haven't been right between us for a long time. But I still technically cheated on him and I have no excuse for that.

I haven't slept a wink, but I've now memorized the cracks in my ceiling. I just need to keep my mind off of this. The world keeps turning and these photos won't edit themselves. So we'll do that I guess.

Getting up, I walk out of my room and see Rosie laying right in front of my door. I remember Blair texting me telling me that Crimson and Niall are dropping her off. She also didn't push or question why I ran off the way I did. I could tell both Ni and Crim wanted to ask but didn't with the sad looks on their faces.

"Rosie, if you wanted in here you could have pawed at the door, I didn't sleep baby." I pick her up and cuddle her for comfort. Rosie meows and starts purring loudly. They say pets can tell when their owners' moods change. Now I am not an expert but I'd like to believe it because Rosie always seems to comfort me when I need it. "I know sweet girl, momma isn't okay right now but she will be. Should we take a little vacation?" I hear a softer meow, taking it as she is agreeing.