Jay'shawn Lawson, NJ📍
Hey guys.
More than likely If you're finding this I'm no longer with you.
I know this is so sudden. And Unexpected. But a person can only take but so much until they break.
And I'm at that point.
I've never told you guys about the real me. I try to pretend to be what I'm not to please you guys.
Jay I'm proud of you. You've came a long way since middle school. You've always been there for me. Even though I can be pretty stupid at times.
Demarcus. I've always liked you. You were my first love. It's always the first loves that hurt more than anything. You were good to me. All the fights and arguments were my fault and I'm sorry.
Ashanti, I love you. Demarcus is my first love but you are and will forever be my soul mate. We connected so tightly and being around you was a different type of unmatched energy I've never felt with anyone else. This one is going to hurt to. But don't cry. Please don't cry. I don't want to see you cry.
I want the three of you to be happy. I'm not scared. I'm not scared of dying. It's more scary for you guys than it will be for me. I've always been absent. My body has been here but my mind and soul hasn't.
Ashanti, I hope you tell the baby about me. I would've loved seeing him or her grow up.
But it's time you guys learned my story.
When I was just 5 years old my parents weren't real parents to me. They would use me for money. The government would give more money to those who had kids. They never provided for me. They did the literal bare minimum.
One day my uncle came and picked me up from my house. He promised to take care of me. And I trusted him. Biggest mistake. Cause the same person I put my trust in is the same person that snatched my innocence from me. But he took more.
Over the years he took my confidence, my self esteem, and my pride. I was completely distraught by the age of 8.
Jay you remember that long ass week I took off of school. When I went on "vacation". I wish it was vacation. I spent that week in the bathroom of my uncles house trying to stop myself from bleeding. I didn't exactly know where it was coming from at the time. But once I realized I cried.
I would look at myself in the mirror and think how could it have gotten tho bad. I had cuts on my arms from failed attempts of suicide. I had bruises on my legs from beatings. I was a wreck. On top of that he would always tell me that I am so ugly. That I wouldn't be anything. Once you get told that enough you start to believe it. Especially at the age I was at.
I remember my father pulling up and coming inside to get me. When I looked up at him with pain in my eyes he told me to fix my face.
I went to his car and told him everything that happened. And you know what he told me. He asked me what did I do to make him do that to me. And that's when I lost it.
I started slitting my wrist at the age of 8. Only 8 years old! What does an 8 year old know about that stuff?
My father was the only man that I depended on and he dropped me. So I grew up went to middle school.
2 suicide attempts. Wrecked relationships.
I caught myself in the wrong crowd of people. I started to smoke. I started to take pills. Jay you remember. Cause it was your brother that supplied me. And when you found out you tried to kill him. Remember?
Remember that year I stayed at your house on your couch. Remember finding me on the floor in the bathroom passed out. Do you remember when ya mom took me to the hospital and they tried putting me in a mental hospital.
Remember when we graduated and grew from the past and I made you a promise. Well it's becoming so hard to break.
I was in so much shock from the letter I didn't noticed Ashanti had walked in and was calling my name.
"Yea." I said looking up.
"What are you reading that you don't hear me talkin to you?" She snatched the paper from me and before I could stop her she was reading it.
