The Choice (a Painful Past)

71

The sun beat down on my skin, but I didn't feel it. I was numb to everything around me, only feeling what was in my heart. When my mom left, I was truly going to be alone.

I didn't know how to be alone. I had never done it before, and I was terrified. I could always go with her, I suppose...but, I didn't really want to. I didn't care for my cousins up there and most everyone was on drugs.

It seemed like I would never be able to escape that disgusting 5 letter word, no matter where I was.

So, when my mom was packed up and ready to leave again, I cried and hugged her goodbye...and I stayed. As I watched her leave, the tears started again. Everyone was leaving me behind, moving on with their lives.

My brothers had their own families, and my sister had ended up in prison for robbing a convenience store, while drunk and high on so many things, a few years back. My nephew moved to South Carolina to live with their father right after. The only one who had stuck around was Will.

Only now, he was gone too, but I still had to see him all the time. We would accidentally bump into one another in the store, or see each other when I tried to hang out with friends. I guess they were acquaintances, really.

I didn't have anymore actual friends. Just people that I knew.

Every time I saw him, my heart would shatter all over again. It was ridiculous really.

Why couldn't I get over him? It had been 2 months, and I still wanted to cry when I would find another item that belonged to him in my house. I had stopped going out, so that I wouldn't see him.

I only went to work, and grocery shopping. That was it. I had turned into a hermit, avoiding any and all contact.

Colby still texted me, but it wasn't every night now. At first, it had been, but that had changed recently. It was only 2 or 3 times a week now.

I knew how it would end. Eventually, the exchanges would become even less frequent, until they stopped all together. He had FaceTimed me once, and I had done the same.

When I had called him, I thought he wouldn't answer at first. When he did, he was in a bathroom, and I could hear bass beating against the walls.

"Bad time?" I asked, smiling for the first time in a while, when I saw his face.

"A little bit." He laughed. "But, it's fine. I'll get up at 3am just to talk to you, Cal."

We had a nice conversation, but it wasn't long before someone started beating the door down, claiming that it was an emergency that they use the bathroom immediately. I hadn't seen his face since.

I could always call again, but what was the point, when it was all going to end one day soon, anyway?

Why not just prepare for what was to come, and save myself the heartache? That seemed like the better option to me. I would talk to him, when he did call and I would text him, occasionally, but I didn't put in any effort to keep the friendship going.

He had his own life to live, and didn't need to be hindered by me.

By the time six months had passed, I rarely heard from him anymore. I did, however, hear from Will. He had never stopped calling me or texting me, since we broke up.

At first, I ignored him, but eventually, I couldn't do it anymore. I thought I was strong enough to tell him no, anyway, and I was...at first.

Until I heard that he was with someone new. A girl named Kathy, that had tried to get with him when we were together. She hated me, and I wasn't sure why.

I barely knew the girl. She had just graduated, being in the same class as Colby. He never stopped texting or calling me though.

Even though he was technically dating her. He still called me to tell me that he loved me, and would send me sweet texts throughout the days. I told him to stop, because I wouldn't help him cheat on someone else. Not when I knew how badly it hurt.

So, he broke up with her. We talked things over for a couple of weeks, before we decided to give it another try. It felt good to know that he still loved me, still wanted me.

I didn't even have any friends that I actually hung out with, except for the people that I worked with.

So, Will and I were dating again. Even though I was happy, I still had that uncertain feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to be burned again.

He promised that he would never touch anything else, except weed, and a pain pill, only if he were hurting. He seemed so earnest and regretful about it, that I believed him.

We were still going strong a couple of months later, when I got the call from my mom. My niece, Ben's mom, had been messing with drugs a little too much lately. She fell off with the wrong crowd, and started dealing meth, while he and Destiny were in the motel room with her.

She had been arrested, and the kids were in foster care until a legal guardian could be established. My brother and his wife couldn't take care of both kids. My brother worked about 50+ hours a week, while his wife drove a food truck for a catering company a few hours a day.

She said that she couldn't deal with both kids.

"I don't know what to do, Callie." My mom said, holding back tears. "I'm already taking care of Lilly and she has way too many little dogs that bite for a kid to be around them. I don't see how they can keep one kid and not the other. You know that Darlene has a soft spot for Destiny, so Ben is going to be the one that suffers."

My heart broke for him. I didn't understand how a mother could let this happen. Those kids should have never been put in that position in the first place.

That's when I got angry.

"She doesn't deserve either of those kids!" I exclaimed, angrily. "But, how can the grandparents take one and not the other? That's not fair at all! I'll take him, Momma. I'll take Ben and I'll make sure that he knows he's loved. I can't do a lot financially, but I can, at least, let him know how loved he is."

"Oh honey, no!" She exclaimed. "I don't expect you to take him! That's not why I was calling."