The Choice (a Painful Past)

82

That was the kid that I remembered. I had really fucked that friendship up.

I sighed and went back to my own feed, sliding the new Colby out of my mind, just like I had the old one.

Since I hadn't been 'allowed' to be on my Instagram for the past 6 years, or so, I had quite a few direct messages showing up.

I scrolled past the disgusting guys that just had to tell me how amazing my eyes were and how they felt this strong connection through a fucking screen. Whatever, dude.

A few old classmates had messaged me, just wanting to catch up. There were a few from Denise, just bitching at me about not getting on, and then my mouth dropped for the second time that night.

"Colby." I whispered.

My finger hovered above his message, like I was almost scared to press it. Maybe I was.

I took a deep breath and pressed my finger against his icon. There were so many messages! Dating all the way back to when he first left.

Over the years, they had started to taper off, until they ultimately ended. The last one was dated 2 years ago. I bit my lip, as I started to read through them all.

He had been so happy to move, and start his life, but so very nervous. Progressively, his hesitant messages, became more confident and sure. It was like I watched him grow from that nervous child, into this confidant man, just through the messages.

The last one, from 4 years ago, made the tears, that I hated so much, spring to my eyes.

"Callie, I guess this will be my last message. I know you don't get on Instagram much, or maybe at all, but I've kept a check on my Facebook DMs and you haven't tried to contact me. So, I'm going to take that as a sign to just stop. I haven't heard from you in over two years. I held on as long as I could. I want you to know that I will always be here for you, if you ever need me. All you have to do is let me know. You'll always be my best friend and my first love."

Jesus, he really had to make the waterworks start again, didn't he?

"Uuuuggghh."I groaned, as I stood up on the porch steps.

I didn't know if I should message him back or not. I hadn't even tried to keep in touch with him. Hell, I would even say that I purposely pushed him away, just like I had everyone else.

I rarely spoke to Sherri anymore, and getting together with Denise was hard, because Will didn't care for her unless he was buying weed from her. He liked her even less, now that her and Mikie had split up.

I put my phone away and went inside to check on Ben. I knew that he was a whole 14 years old, but I still checked on him every night. Just to watch the rise and fall of his chest, to make sure he was okay.

The little boy, that I didn't know that I needed in my life, was sleeping peacefully, curled up next to the Undertale plushie that I had gotten him years ago. His features were caught in between the child that he was, and the man he was becoming. It made my chest ache to think that he would be going off to college in a few short years.

First, my entire life was about Will, then it was about Ben.

What was I going to do when he didn't need me anymore? I didn't have my own identity, but I knew that was my own fault. I had gotten caught up in being who Will wanted me to be, instead of being who I was, and I hadn't even realized it.

I always used to watch those shows, or read those books, about women who were stuck in these relationships and couldn't get out of them. I hadn't understood. Now, I did, because I had no clue how I had let this happen.

I cleaned up the house a bit, checked on my mom, fed the animals, then went to lie down. It had been a really long day. I thought about texting Denise and letting her know what had happened, but decided against it.

I didn't feel like talking about it tonight, and I knew she would want to. I got into bed and lay there, looking at the dingy ceiling. The thousands of thoughts in my head wouldn't let me sleep.

God, I wished more than anything that I could still smoke weed. Too bad it gave me panic attacks now. Instead, I pulled up one of the videos that I watched with Ben.

One of the gamers that played scary games. I found myself smiling at the guy screaming his head off, and realized that I felt lighter. Happier, even.

My life was a royal mess, but I had finally gotten the strength to break free from the cage that I had been in. Maybe it wasn't fair to call it a cage, because I could've opened that door a long time ago, and walked right through it. For some reason, I hadn't even been able to see the door, though. It was strange.

Eventually, I fell into a restless sleep, dreaming of Will chasing me, while holding his own heart in his hand. He kept screaming at me to take it, because it was mine, but I kept yelling that I didn't want it. It was probably the weirdest dream that I had ever had.

My alarm came way too early at 6 am, for me to wake Ben up for school. I slapped at my phone, trying to make the insistent noise just stop blaring.

"Shut UUUP!" I yelled into my pillow.

The annoying thing didn't listen, until I sat and picked it up to stop the alarm.

"I'm going to drop you in the toilet." I grumbled at it.

I rubbed my bleary eyes and checked my notifications. There weren't many, since I had only went to bed a few hours ago, but there were quite a few texts from Will. I knew that this was going to happen, so it wasn't surprising, but it settled in my stomach, like a dread filled rock.

I didn't want to read them. The day had barely started, and I didn't have it in me do this shit this early.

So, I dropped my phone onto the bed, and got up to wake Ben. I lightly knocked on his door, then pushed it open. He had the blankets pulled over his head, but his long feet were sticking out the other end.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey ." I said, going over to sit on the edge.

I put my hand on his arm, but he groaned and turned the other way.

"Benjamin, it's time to wake up. You have school." I replied, making my voice a tad bit stern.