The Choice (a Painful Past)

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I knew that I made it sound like a question, but I wasn't sure if I wanted him to sit down with me, or not. I was uncomfortable. Not because he was giving me a weird vibe or anything, but because I didn't know how to do this.

Was I even ready to talk to other guys?

What did this guy, Brandon, expect from me tonight?

"Are you sure?" He asked, hesitantly. "I don't want to push my company onto you."

"No, it's fine." I replied, unwilling to reject him, just because of who I was.

He seemed nice enough and he was really cute.

Which only got me to wondering why he was talking to me? There were really pretty girls here tonight. They were skinnier than me, had amazing makeup skills, shinier hair, and gorgeous features, that were emphasized by their choice of clothing.

Then, there was me. Dumpy, lumpy me.

"Great." He said, before he pulled my chair out for me.

"Oh. Thank you." I replied, before sitting down.

He pulled out the chair across from me, which was originally Denise's seat.

"So, you don't seem like the kind of girl that would usually come to a place like this." He said, before turning his bottle up to take a swig of his beer.

I blushed and twisted my ring on my index finger.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked.

He grinned and shook his head.

"No. Only if you're really paying attention."

"And you were paying attention?" I blurted out, before I could think about what I was saying.

"Oh, definitely." He responded. "You're the prettiest girl in here. How could I not?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed.

His horrible pick-up line made me feel a little more comfortable.

"Yeah, right. Now, you're reaching."

He opened his mouth to say something, but Bryon and Denise decided to walk up.

"Hey, who's this?" Denise asked, as she slid into her chair.

"This is...uh." I stuttered.

I had forgotten his name that quick. Shit.

"Brandon." The guy said, holding his hand out to Bryon first, then Denise.

"Hey, I'm Bryon and this is my girlfriend, Denise." Bryon replied, as he shook Brandon's hand.

I sat there, watching this exchange, feeling the most awkward that I had felt all night. He started a conversation with Bryon, leaving Denise and I free to exchange knowing glances.

"So, how did this happen?" She murmured to me, as she scooted her chair closer to me.

I shrugged.

"I have no idea." I murmured back.

"Come on, let's go smoke a cigarette." She replied, as she stood up and grabbed my hand.
"We'll be back." She told the guys.

I let her pull me outside and around to the side of the building. It was dark, with only one security light, lighting up half the parking lot, and the neon sign giving off its glare. On the side, where we were standing up against the building, it was mostly clouded in darkness.

We could see out in front of us, but I doubt if anyone out there could see us. I pulled out my cigarettes and put one to my lips. Denise leaned over with her lighter and touched it to the end.

I pulled in a deep draw, and watched it light up. The smoke filled my lungs, giving me that sense of calmness that came with it. I had heard that the research on smoking said that it actually made you more anxious.

Maybe that was true, scientifically, but in my mind, it helped to calm me down and think straighter.

"So, what's up with this Brandon guy?" Denise asked, as she lit her own cigarette.

"I don't know." I replied, as I leaned back against the wall and looked up into the sky.

It was black with a few hard to see gray clouds, and twinkling stars that dotted the sky.

"I guess I kind of got in his way at the bar. Then, he offered to help get the drinks and carry them to our table. He wouldn't take a hint and I don't know how to get rid of him."

"Why would you want to get rid of him?" She asked. "He's hot and seems really sweet."

I shook my head and took another deep draw of my cigarette. "I don't know that I'm ready to try and talk to guys."

She sighed deeply, then dug around in her purse. I grinned when I saw the pre rolled blunt that she pulled out.

"Yes, please." I laughed.

"Are you sure? You've drank a good bit." She replied.

"I'm sure. I think that I was a little drunk but walking outside sobered me up a little. I have a good buzz but that's it." I said.

It had been a while since I had gotten high. I didn't do it as much as I used to, because I had Ben, but also because Will wasn't around to get it. I didn't want to talk to drug dealers and go through that whole process.

The only people that I knew who sold it, were friends with Will. So, I got the occasional joint or blunt from Jimmy, Denise, or Sherri.

"Okay then." She replied.

We were silent for a little while, just passing the blunt back and forth, between ourselves.

"I think you should talk to him. This Brandon guy. Maybe get laid, Callie. You can't hold on to Will forever." Denise spoke into the silence.

"I'm not holding on to Will." I exclaimed. "I hate him for everything that he put me through. I don't want him back."

She shook her head. "I'm not saying that you want him back. I'm saying that you're still holding onto that relationship. I think you're doing that, just so you can stay in your comfort zone. Dating is scary, especially when you've never really done it. This is a big step for you. You've never dated anyone in your adult life. You've been living in this glass bubble of yours, where you don't have to talk to new people, or anything like that. You were living in Will's world, and now you don't know how to live in your own." She tried to explain.

I was confused.

"I don't understand what you mean." I replied. "I'm living. This is my world. I'm out with you tonight, aren't I? I'm trying to get out of my bubble, as you called it, but I'm just not like these people. I don't know who I am, but this isn't it. The type of girl who parties all the time or hooks up with different guys. That will never be me."