Welcome to Your Last Race (Street Racers #3)

15. Taehyung

When I'm about to open the door, Jungkook stops me.

"Let me drive, please. I haven't been in the car for a good week, I feel sick."

"Maybe because you are-"

"Please."

I let out a sigh and hand him the keys. "Don't go crazy."

Grinning like a kid, Jungkook settles on the driver's seat and breaks at least three road rules as he leaves the neighborhood. I chuckle, and when we're speeding towards the expressway, I open the glove compartment and take out the cigarettes.

"And I didn't believe them when they said you're smoking again."

I flicker the lighter, put the fire to the end of the cigarette and suck a breath in, until it catches. This morning, during work hours, I installed a portable ashtray in the car, attached to the vents on the passenger's side. It looks like a portable coffee mug. Wonderful invention. "It's relaxing me," I say.

Jungkook chuckles. It's a weird chuckle. You know you can't fool me, but it's funny you're trying. "No, it's not." He knows it's not. He knows too much. I huff something close to a laugh. How can I hide anything from him?

I spare him a glance. He's not looking at me, eyes trained on the road ahead, as he swings between the cars. "Why are we actually here now?" I ask.

"Because you can't avoid me here," he says. "You're avoiding me."

"No," I say.

"I know I don't go to work now, and I'm not at the races, but it's not an excuse. You'd come around if you weren't avoiding me. You'd tell me about the races, but you don't do that, either. You'd tell me everything. You wouldn't shut up, and I barely hear from you these days."

"You're hurt. Why would I put more of this shit on you?"

"Do you feel guilty that I got shot?"

I don't answer for unnecessarily long. What am I supposed to do? Lie? He's going to know. He always knows when I do. He knows everything.

Any second. Any second. Any second.

"It's not your fault," he says.

"None of this would be happening if it wasn't for me."

Jungkook sighs. When we drive onto the expressway, he accelerates.

"Are you mad at me that I'm not coming to the races?" he asks.

"You were shot. I don't want you at the races, dumbass."

"I know you're not mad, but you don't tell me shit anymore," he mumbles. His sigh is heavier this time. "You can't just keep me out of the loop because I was hurt. I'm not gonna be tired out by listening to you, so you could at least tell me what's going on in there. You're acting like you don't even want me to be a part of all this."

"Maybe I don't."

"Why not? That's what friends are for. To help each other."

"You have had your share in helping me. And I'm grateful. It's enough." I tap the ash into the ashtray. My chest hurts. That's how it would hurt if he decided to leave, except that it'd hurt ten times more, because it would come unexpectedly. This time I have control over it.

"There's no limit to helping your friends, what are you on?" he says.

"I mean it's enough of us being friends."

Any second. Any second. Any second. I can't stand the wait. He's acting like my friend and any second... any second... any second. Any fucking second.

"What?" he asks. He's slowed down the car, on purpose or not.

"Exactly what you've heard."

Jungkook scoffs. "It's not that easy. You don't just get to say we've had enough of being friends. You don't get to decide it alone."

"What are you gonna do? Force your way in? Help when no one asks you? How is this going to help?"

"What's wrong with you?" he raises his voice. Not the first time. We've fought so many times. It would be so much easier if we never became friends.

"Nothing. Things are changing anyways," I say.

"Yeah, maybe. And it means there is no space for me in your life anymore, huh?"

"There's no point for you to be in it."

"I'm not gonna fall for that, Taehyung. I know you don't mean it."

He's not gonna fall for that, but when everything goes to shit, and he leaves, I will be hurt. And I can't predict when it's going to happen. Why would I wait when I can get rid of it now? Instead of waiting in fear to get hurt, I'm gonna make sure there is nothing I can lose. I can't seem to care, anyways. It's all fucking pointless.

"Why is it always your way?" I press. He's not as easy to push away as he used to be. "You wanted to be friends, we became friends. You still want to be friends, so I obviously have to listen to you."

The car jerks when he takes it to the side lane and stops driving. Fisting my shirt, he forces me to look at him. It's so fucking weird, because for as many times as we've been like this, looking down on each other, in the middle of a fight, it has never occurred to me I'd have killed for it to stop. Now I'm pulling us into this by choice.

"Look me in the eyes and fucking say it," he grinds out. "Tell me that you mean it."

"I mean it," I say, looking into his eyes. And I hate myself, the only person I've ever truly hated. "I don't think we need each other anymore. Enough is enough."

We don't talk for the rest of the car ride back. Tell Yeeun I'm waiting here, is all he says when he gives me back the keys, in front of my apartment building.

So when I climb the stairs again, that's what I tell her. And when she leaves, I lock myself up in the shower and try to get through it. Every ten minutes, Wooshik knocks and asks if I'm okay. I answer that I am.

When I'm out of the bathroom, I only have the energy to lie in bed. The day wasn't even that tiring. I hardly did anything at work, constantly zoning out, thoughts jumbling into one mess. Maybe that's the most tiring thing out of them all.

Promises are stupid. Technically, it's a bunch of words, but once you give it to someone, the idea of breaking it makes you feel nauseous. It makes me feel nauseous, at least. Maybe not everyone has a problem with a sensation of an unfulfilled promise haunting them in the future. So when I lie in bed and recall the car ride, I regret promising Wooshik I'll always come back. Because once I fall asleep tonight, I don't want to come back. I don't want to wake up. But I have to, because I gave a stupid promise.

Should I tell him? Maybe. But what can he do? What can any of them do? Stop it? No one can stop it. I made my fucking choice. I wanted more. What did I think? That I'm just gonna get it? That it's going to come without a price to pay? There's always a price.

I thought I'm smarter than this, but I guess I was wrong.

An hour after Wooshik falls asleep, I'm wide awake. Exhausted, constantly thinking about earlier, but nothing makes me fall asleep. And I can't stand myself anymore. In sweats and a hoodie I already have on, I slip out of bed, making sure I'm still the only one up. There is no reason to be dragging Wooshik into this.

I put my shoes on, take my wallet, cigarettes and a lighter, and leave for the closest convenience store. It's almost 1 a.m. I smoke as soon as I'm outside. I've been smoking more and more. Nearly two packs a day. Sometimes I just wanna swallow all of them and see what happens.

If I can't fall asleep, I'm going to get wasted. Drunk like I have never been before. I don't drink. I don't like the taste of any alcohol but wine. Wine is not strong enough for tonight. Anything but being conscious. Anything but being in my head, with full awareness of every thought. If it hurts when I'm drunk, at least I won't remember it.