Welcome to Your Last Race (Street Racers #3)

21. Taehyung

It's not like I've never been in this headspace before. I know this place, I know this feeling, and when everything doesn't feel so urgent anymore, I can recognize it. It's a replay of the past, heavy and difficult, and the longer I sit with it, the more I realize it has never left.

The past has been chained to me all along. Like stuffing a rotten fruit and a perfectly good one into a nice, pretty gift bag. I can't just pretend the rotten fruit is not there forever. The rotting will spread, sooner or later, if I don't actually throw it away.

It's the next day that I bring myself to start talking. Boogie is with our neighbor again, because 'no one should interrupt us now' and, when Wooshik is back, we sit in our bed. I showered, finally, after five fucking days. I'm slightly more willing to do the most basic things, though they cost me immense effort.

Wooshik hands me my coffee. In my Stegosaurus mug. "Thank you." I take a sip. Here comes the difficult part, even with the dino-mug in my hands. "Can I start... by asking something?"

"Go ahead."

He sits cross-legged in front of me, our knees touching.

"You say you're not mad at me. For what I did that night."

Wooshik thinks for a moment, eyes locked on his mug. "Honestly? I didn't really enjoy seeing another guy kiss you, but I know it wasn't an act of cheating. I'm not mad."

"I kissed-"

"I know. I saw it. But we've established why it happened, and you were practically out of it then. It's a closed case to me. I'm not mad at you," he says, resting his palm on my leg. "I was terrified that night. I knew what you were doing. And that something was wrong. I could see it. For a while now. But I didn't know how to get through it."

"Since the races started." I nod.

"No, since Tokyo."

I take a slow sip of coffee. "I was fine after Tokyo."

"For the most part," he says. "But sometimes you'd zone out or go really quiet. I noticed that. It was unusual for you."

I take a deep breath in. It's tiring. I want it out of my head, but it's not effortless. "I was thinking a lot. It started off with the win. What we talked about after the Japan Race."

"Did you really want it? Winning? So much hype around you?" he asks.

"I do. That's the problem." I huff a chuckle. "And I think it was too much."

"Too much?"

"I knew something would go to shit if I tried having more. It was already going to shit in my head. Everything. Then this... asshole suddenly appears and tells me I'm going to quit. It all made me feel like I was back with my family. Dealing with the same shit." I put my hand over his, trying to make it easier. "And I agreed to you making the race famous because I thought it was cool. But the better this part got, the worse everything else was. It's always like that. I can't have it all but I still tried. It's my fault-"

Wooshik flips his palm, locks our fingers and squeezes. "Can I say something?"

I let out a breath. "Yeah."

"Things didn't fall apart because you wanted more. First of all, I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. Second of all, Jungkook and Yeeun are still here, even though you tried to push them away."

"I didn't... okay, I did." I close my eyes for a moment of guilt. "I thought it would be easier. To do it now. Instead of not knowing when they would leave."

"You have no guarantee they would."

"I feel like that. Like... if I want too much, what I have will be taken away from me. I know it may not make sense to you, but that's what it looks like in my head, okay?"