Welcome to Your Last Race (Street Racers #3)

45. Jungkook

It's almost 4 a.m. when I bring myself back home. Probably only because it was closer than the gas station. I don't know if I want to come back already. Hopefully, everyone is asleep and I won't have to listen to the you are/you are not like them discourse. I don't even know who's in my apartment, to be honest. Wooshik and Taehyung might have gone home, or they might have stayed. Sunhee, hopefully, stayed.

Hopefully? I guess so. It's not like I hate her now. I just... I just wish our parents were never a problem. That's all. I'm scared they will always be a reason to fight, to piss each other off. I'm scared they will always be a fucking topic.

And I don't want them to be. Not like that. Not an active topic. I want them to be a thing of the past. A memory. Unpleasant but a memory. Unable to bother anyone. Something to roll our eyes and laugh at.

I close the door behind me quietly. For a moment I believe everyone – whoever present – is asleep, but then a glass clinks against the kitchen table. I toe my shoes off and follow the sound. In the dimly lit kitchen, three led lamps under the cupboards on, Yeeun and Sunhee sit at the island, drinking what looks like the rest of white wine.

"Good morning?"

"I was worried," Yeeun says immediately. "It took you a long ass time to come back."

"Many roads to take in the city," I say, getting a clean glass. Before I turn around, she slaps my butt. "I'm serious. Once you start driving, you just wanna keep going."

Pulling the chair, I stand in front of it, emptying the bottle into my glass. Then I sit. I don't know why, since I apparently wanted to avoid any confrontation. Maybe because it's 4 a.m., and they are still waiting for me, and I'm tired of problems. Having and creating.

"If you say you came back because you ran out of gas-" Yeeun starts, but doesn't finish when I break into a grin. "You want a divorce or what?"

"No, I don't want a divorce. I love you."

"I know you do." She stands up and kisses my forehead. "Now that I know you're alive, I'm going to sleep. Have a good talk, you two."

So we're supposed to talk now.

I don't say anything. I don't really know how to go about it. If she meant it or not. Why did we even have this fight in the first place?

Then, again, I'm thirty. I should be mature and responsible. Or at least act like it sometimes.

"Listen," is what we say at the same time.

"You go first." I chuckle, twirling the glass in one hand. "Unless you don't wanna talk about it. It's fine."

"No, it's not," she says. "I went overboard. I know. I didn't mean it."

"You didn't?"

Sunhee shakes her head. "It's just... you've been so different from them. And I've felt so free. To do whatever I want. I know it's silly, and kinda stupid that I got mad over this. I am... scared it's not gonna last. The freedom."

"I wasn't trying to take it away from you. I'm just..." I run my hand down my face. "We all did stupid shit, okay? No exceptions. Sometimes it went by without much issues, sometimes it hurt. I'm just... I don't know. I just don't want you to get hurt. You've had it all difficult. I wanted to make things easier."

"I might get hurt again, you know?"

"I know. For your information, it took me twenty something years to realize I can't make people I care about immune to getting hurt, even if I keep all the danger away from them. Some shit always goes down." I take a big sip, forming my next thought. "And I know you can handle it, if it happens. I'm just... it's difficult, okay? Navigating it. Finding balance. It's always been difficult for me. On one hand I don't want you to get hurt, but on the other I know you will. On one hand I want to let you do everything you could think of, but on the other I'm scared you're gonna do something stupid and get hurt. But... I'm trying. And I never... never want to be like them."

"You're not like them. You're... everything they couldn't be. You're... you're the best person to ever exist."

"That sounds nice after that little tantrum earlier."

"I hate you."

"Okay, then. I'm not getting you a new car."

Sunhee gasps. "Taehyung was right."

"What did Taehyung say?"

"I can't tell you. It's a bet. But he was right. And you're getting me a new car."

"Am I?"

"Yes, you are. I bet you already have one ready. What is it? Porsche?"

"We'll see about it," I say, emptying the glass, and stand up. (It's a Porsche). "It was nice making up, but I'm really fucking tired."

Before I can head out, she wraps her arms around me. That totals to two hugs between us. I chuckle to myself, hugging back.

"I'm gonna say it once and never again will you hear it from me," she says.

"Say what?"

"We're probably gonna fight again, and... even if we do... you're the best brother I could ask for. I love you."

I hold my breath for a moment. I've heard it from six people in my life – Yeeun, her dad, grandma and grandpa, uncle, and recently Taehyung. And it's not like I walk around throwing it at just about anyone. There are few people I love. Each one in a different way, and some of them don't need a verbal confirmation. Some do.

So, true to the fact, I say, "Love you, too."

After the last three emotional seconds pass, we make the same gagging noise. Unrehearsed. I guess that's the siblings' bond working.

That marks an addition to the short list of people I would kill for.

Showered – as fast as possible – I climb into bed where Yeeun is dead asleep. She doesn't bug when I invade every single inch of her personal space, wrapping my arms and legs around her. Searching for familiarity as I slowly get used to the changes.

I'm not able to fall asleep easily. There is a lot on my mind.

Soon, my father will be locked in jail for long enough to make him regret everything.

Soon, I will be able to let go of them completely. Like Yeeun let go of her mom who was never going to come back. Like Taehyung is letting go of his family. Like Wooshik, at some point, did let go, too.

Because no matter how long it's been, how long I cared, I have all the power in the world to let go. They don't matter. They simply don't matter, so why would I waste any energy on them?

I've got all the right people close to me. And no one who left is worth the chase.

I'm grateful they never came back. Even if it hurt for a long time, even if I tried to make them care. From the present moment – the only moment that counts – I know it was a blessing that I was without them. Seemingly, everything has been a blessing ever since. Ever since I was born.

I wouldn't change a goddamn thing about my life.

Not a single thing.