Welcome to Your Last Race (Street Racers #3)

18. Taehyung

He calls off the next race. A week later, Yeeun shows up at another one and wins. Those four days go by in a blur. One moment Hyoshin is calling it off, the next I'm going back home after Yeeun has won. No, I'm not going home. I'm going to the club. The club? Someone suggested it. I don't know who. We should relax, I heard. Yeah, we should relax, I said, not sounding relaxed in the slightest. I know I said something about the parties we would always have halfway through the seasons. It's me, Wooshik, Sue and Sana that go to the club.

When I blink, two hours have passed. I don't know where this fucking time is going. How can it go by so fast? How do I not remember a single thing that happened since I walked in? I scan the club. It's loud, but I can't catch a single song. A single word. Where the fuck does it all go?

Never mind. It doesn't matter. I remember why I'm here. I'm so desperate. My mind hurries me. Or is it not my mind? I don't know, something is telling me to hurry up so I can free myself. So I don't have to be myself anymore. And God, do I want it. After 25 years, I'm so done with this. With myself. My life was pretty good, for a few years. The person living it wasn't. What if I got misplaced? What if it wasn't mine to begin with?

I pass by Wooshik at some point, half an hour later, and tell him I'm going home. I'm tired. Stay with Sue, I tell him. He says he'll go with me, but I protest. I protest and glance back. And then I repeat it again, I'm going home – I want to make sure he knows where I will be – and I head to the door.

I grab this guy's hand. What is his name? Fuck, I forgot. Or maybe he didn't introduce himself. Who cares? In three days it won't matter. Maybe in four. No, four is too much. They are too nosy. They will stop me. Two days. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is too early. He won't hate me enough tomorrow. It needs to settle. Two days. It has to be two days.

I know I say something. I talk to this guy. What do I tell him? I don't know. I don't fucking know what I'm saying. I drive through the city faster than I should. I catch a red light twice, he doesn't seem to mind. I think he's drunk. It's better this way. I'm using him. I don't know who it is but I feel bad for him. I want to say I'm sorry, but it won't matter in two days. None of it will.

I don't know how I arrive at my place.

For a good while, I'm back in... what year was it? I don't know. I don't remember. That year... that night I was in the car. And then I was in the hospital. And then there was Jungkook. Jungkook and no one else.

Where is he now? Why is he not bursting through the door, telling me to get a grip? Fuck, where is he? Where is... anyone? Someone that would stop me.

No, I don't want them to stop me. I rush inside, the guy behind me. I blink and I'm in my apartment. Where did the elevator ride go? Did we take the elevator? Never mind, I don't have time for that. Hurry up, Taehyung. Fuck, hurry up.

My back is pressed against the wall. His hands are on my ass. They are too small. Fuck, is this even a man? Who cares? It doesn't matter. No, it's a guy. I'm sure it's a guy. It doesn't matter.

He kisses me. He's kissing me and pulling on my hair. I'm kissing back. God, I am kissing back. My hands press into the wall. I'm not touching him. I don't want to. It's not the goddamn point. I feel nauseous. I haven't drunk. Or maybe I have. No, I'm nauseous because this is wrong. God, this is so wrong. Why am I doing this? Where is Jungkook? Why is he not stopping me?

Because Jungkook fucking hates my guts. He's not supposed to care, why do I want him to be here?

Because I'm fucking scared. I'm scared of myself. Of this stupid voice in my head. But the voice is so persistent. Get out of this body, get out of this body. It's so tired. It's me. I keep talking to myself.