YOU'RE EVERYTHING I NEVER WANTED (A VP fanfic)

A/N

NOT A CHAPTER (mostly rant)

It's almost New Year, in some places celebration has already begun, I'm sure. 

The thing is, I miss them...

It's not as bad as before, everything fades with time afterall. But it's still there, like the simmering heat of a dying fire.

2023, has been one hell of a year. I'm sure many of you will agree with me. It's a proof that life is unpredictable.

Throughout the year, I've gone through phases of grief. First I was sad, which is very obviously an understatement. I remember crying on platform on Jan 28th, waiting for my train. I remember feeling like my whole world has collapsed. I remember feeling numb and cold and frustrated and helpless.

But then I gathered myself, still grieving, but it became a part of everyday. Like waking up and being sad and repeating the same thing again. Obviously some days were worse than others while some were better.

Then I scrambled for hope, like a drowning man. There were obvious signs, but I ignored. Because why acknowledging the truth when you can be delusional, right?

I hoped against hope, that maybe oneday, everything will be alright, because bad time has to end at some point, that's how the world works.

But what I forgot is, this is not my world, and also not my time. This is not my story, I'm nothing but a side-character. A prop, a bystander, watching the main characters, always watching. I can't intervene, I can't change the course of story.

So, turns out, bad times did end. But not for me, for the protagonists. They moved on with their lives, they found their own happiness. They'll also have their own happy ending perhaps.

But nobody cares about what happened to the side-characters, do they? I cheered for the protagonists, I cried for the protagonists, I also hated them at some point, I missed them daily. But who cares honestly.

I've been loyal, but who am I loyal to?

At some point it just started feeling like a one sided relationship. Where the guy never returns your feelings. And you loved, and got your heart broken and now you have to heal, all on your own. Because how dare you fall in love? It's your own fault obviously.

That's how I feel.

Like I said in the beginning, it's not as bad a before. Most of the days I actually manage to forget everything, but then on days like this, days with special significance, the sadness hits like waves, and memories flood.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine, so I'd go and never watch that goddam series at all. Or, maybe someone could obliviate me, a selective memory loss would be much appreciated.

Sometimes I do regret, about everything. I've been mourning them for longer than I've celebrated them.

I wish I could be happy for them, like many others, really. But I can't and shouldn't lie to my heart. Because their happy ending, is not my happy ending:) yeah, that's the truth.

I've been hurt, a lot. And I won't play saint and say otherwise.

I dare to write all these because I've healed a lot. I'm much stronger than I was, and I can positively say I'll get over them, idk when, but I'm sure I will.

It's been a bittersweet affair, more bitter than sweet though.

Last year we had a lot of sweet memories, around this time. So in spite of everything, I miss them, I do. Maybe next year I won't, hopefully.

Every special date is a heartbreak anniversary.

I listened to Olivia Rodrigo a lot this year

"Good for you, you look happy and healthy
Not me, if you ever cared to ask
Good for you, you're doing great out there without me, baby
God, I wish that I could do that." #dedicated :)

Ending with, don't focus on being the side character in someone else's story. Be the main character of your own. Wish everyone reading this, live to see their own happy ending.