Saved Me

✨ c h a p t e r t h i r t y f i v e ✨

I woke up with a jolt. I immediately looked at the clock. It was a few minutes passed three in the morning. I was hyperventilating, my palms sweating. I tried to control my breathing but it was nearly impossible. I clenched my fists, resting my head on my knees as I sat up.

You're okay, you're okay.

Flashbacks kept repeating through my head. I tried pushing it away but it only made things worse.

It'll be okay.

I got out of bed, running to the bathroom. My hands shook as I tried to splash water onto my face. I bit down on my lip from sobbing out loud. I didn't want anyone to wake up.

I need you. Come back.

I sat down on the floor, trying to control my breathing. I couldn't stop the thoughts that kept running through my mind. I needed it to stop.

It was your fault.

Fuck, stop it Abigail.

I need to cut. I need it...

I got up from my seat and went back into my room. I grabbed my phone, debating. I set it back down before going into my closet. I threw on an oversized sweater and put my phone in my pocket. I put my hair up in a ponytail and quietly stepped out of the house. I slipped out through the back window and headed to the pier.

I sat down in the sand, clutching my knees to my chest as I sobbed. I rested my head on my knees, trying to control my breathing. I rested my head against the pillar, wiping my tears away.

"I miss you both," I whispered into the air. "So much. I'm so sorry."

I needed an escape. Badly. My hands kept shaking vigorously. I clenched my fists, digging them into my stomach. My heart was beating rapidly against my chest, threatening to pop out.

Stop Abigail, just stop.

My mind kept wandering to Roman. I know he would want me to go to him but I couldn't bring myself to. I didn't want to disturb him. I hated the fact that I needed him. I shouldn't be going to him for everything. I shouldn't be depending on him. Hell, I shouldn't depend on anyone.

Cut.

I didn't have anything near me. My nails weren't even long enough for me to scratch myself. I shut my eyes tightly, gripping my temple.

Screw it.

I got up from the ground, wiping the sand off my yoga pants. I knew if I stayed by myself, my mind would only continue to wander. I didn't want to relive all the memories I tried not to think of daily. I made my way towards Roman's house. I stood in front his door for a few minutes. I knew where he hid the key: the second plant pot on the left. I didn't feel like just barging in. I sighed heavily, taking my phone out. I dialed his number.

"Babe?" he asked after the phone rang a couple of times. His voice was raspy, thick with sleep.

"I need you," I whispered, only a few seconds away from breaking down. "I'm outside."

In a matter of moments, the door burst open. Roman had a look of worry and surprise. "Baby, what's wrong?" He cupped both my cheeks, his eyes wide.

I couldn't speak. I broke down. He scooped me up bridal style and brought me upstairs to his room. He laid me down on the bed, holding me close to his chest.

"I miss them so much," I whimpered. He hugged me tightly, rubbing my back. "I-it's so hard t-to let them go. I-I...I don't know anymore Roman, t-they were all I had. A-and n-now they're gone and I can't e-ever get them back. It was all m-my fault. I'm s-so stupid."

"Abby, stop. I know baby, I know it's hard," he murmured. "But you need to know that they love you. So much. And we all do. I love you. None of it was your fault. Don't blame yourself."

"I wish they were here," I whispered. He kissed the top of my head.

"They are baby, just not physically."

"I wish it was me," I whispered, digging my face into his chest. "They don't deserve to die, Rome. T-they were so happy."

His arms tightened around my waist, his face digging into the crook of my neck. His breath fanned against my jaw as he spoke. "Don't ever say that Abby. Think about how they would have felt if their daughter ─ their only daughter ─ died in that crash. Think about how much pain they'd be in if you had died. Your parents sacrificed a lot for you and there's no doubt about it that they'd feel guilty for letting you die, even if it was out of their control. Likewise, everything that happened that night was out of your control. You can't keep blaming yourself Abby. You weren't the one driving the truck. It wasn't your fault that your car was struck. It wasn't your fault that they passed away. None of it was your fault, Abigail."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, sitting up as I wiped away my tears. He unwrapped his arm from me, sitting up with me. "I know I shouldn't count on you for this. I jus─"

"Listen to me," he said, grabbing both my hands. He pressed my palms to his cheek, looking into my eyes. "Baby, I will always be here for you. I don't care what time you need me. I'm never going to let you down. I promise."

I leaned forward and kissed his lips softly. He pulled me into his arms, laying us both down. We stayed like that for a few moments, just kissing softly. I sat up momentarily to pull my sweater off. Roman rested his head on my stomach, letting me run my fingers through his hair.

"Promise me something?" I asked.

"What?" he asked, lifting his head.

"If my depression gets too much for you to handle, just─"

I didn't get to finish. He kissed me. Hard. He gripped my body tightly, almost as if he refused to let go. He pulled away for a moment, his eyes flickering between mine. "Don't you ever dare think that I will ever leave you because of this. Don't you ever dare think that I won't love you because of this. Don't you ever dare think that your depression is going to get in the way of us. I didn't ask for you to be mine for no reason Abby. I did it because I love you. I did it because I see a future with you. I know you're not going to be happy all the time baby and that's okay. I will be there for you.

"I don't know what it's like to lose my parents, but I've lost my grandmother. It's not the same, I know. But she meant a great deal to me. She was like a parent to me. She was there when mine weren't. Nothing is ever going to be the same without them. Your parents don't want to watch you cry baby. They want you to be happy. It'll take time, I understand that. And I'll be right by your side the whole time. I'm not letting you go because of this. I refuse too."

I hugged him tightly, digging my face into the crook of his neck. "I don't ever want to let you go," I whispered. "I can't. God, I'm so in love with you." The last sentence came out in a rushed whisper.

"I'm so in love with you babygirl. You're mine."

We stayed in bed together for a while. I didn't pay much attention to how much time was passing by.

"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked. "I don't feel like going home anymore."

"Of course baby," he said. He kissed my forehead, leaving his lips there for a few seconds.

I cupped his cheeks, bringing his lips back onto mine. He kissed me slowly, softly. It took everything in me to not cry. I felt overwhelmed with a lot of conflicting emotions. His thumb stroked my cheek, wiping the few tears that escaped.

"I love you."

A/N: fun fact: there's only four more chapters left in this story :) thanks for 2k reads! (no rant today because I already have a headache and writing about a rant will only increase it) also, another fun fact: my birthday's in 10 days :)

stay strong xo