A Reckless Bet.

Ryder 7 - talk it through

AN: next chapter will be a throwback where everything in this and the last chapter will be cleared up!

*****
sunday 13.56pm

I chuckled. "Oh, no, Everly, you're not sorry. You meant every word, didn't you?"

"Yeah." She whispered, her voice barely audible.

I nodded, raising my eyebrow. "That's what I thought."

Her blue eyes were slowly blinking, hypnotizing me, almost throwing me off guard.

It reminded me to stay put, to not let her see what was actually happening.

"You don't even know me." I said, looking down upon her I saw her eyes close. "You weren't the only one who was hurting though. You're not the only one who mattered in this case."

She swallowed as she opened her eyes. Her eyes immediately captivating me again.

"Ryder-"

"Everly, let me finish." My voice sounded stern, almost challenging.

She nodded. She was letting me order her around again.

"You think that time I told you I liked you, just for fun? And then you think that after you rejected me in such manner, I still would've tried to make you mine? You were clear enough that time."

I pulled back from her and made her sit up.

I needed to stop touching her so much.

Trying to read her expression, which balanced between confusion and worry, I sat down opposite of her.

For a moment we just stared at each other. Letting each other see just the tiniest bit of change what'd already happened between us.

"I don't think you know how much your rejection hurt me and that's why I still tried to get a reaction out of you. I wanted to see if you really wouldn't care. Turns out you did react, and that's what fueled me. I lived off your jealousy and pain."

The air between us had been changing and I didn't know how to stop it, I wanted to grasp it and hold it how it was. The safety I had in blaming her, not being realistic was disappearing from between my fingers.

"But why'd you do it?" She asked.

"I liked the way you reacted." I stated. "I liked that you now felt how I've had been feeling all the time after you rejected me."

Tears formed in her eyes while she rubbed her neck, a habit I've seen her do so many times.

"Why? Did you enjoy stepping on my heart? Why weren't you just enjoying the fact that you knew I liked you instead of what I told you to do. For Gods sake, you never are one to follow the rules."

"You were different." I replied.

She scoffed. "How? After fifteen years of being bestfriends you couldn't get the courage to come back, even just for once. You just let it slip down the drain."

Now I was getting annoyed, she accused me of stuff she did too, herself.

"You also didn't even do anything about it, did you? You were the one who pushed me away in the first place. I'll never forget how quickly you cut me off and told me we never could be anything else than friends." I pointed out. 

"All the while I had thought we were more.. You made me believe that we could've been more." I added.

She sighed, clearly getting upset over the fact that she had been to blame too.

"I-" She started. "I'm sorry. I just, I just didn't know what to do. It looked like you did it jokingly. I was too scared to give in."

"Then I guess we're both to scared to do shit. I've been so dumb." I replied, "I'm sorry about how I hurt you with kissing other girls and stuff in front of you, I just tried to forget."

I'm apologizing too much.

"What made you agree to the bet?"

I overthought my answer to put it into words properly.

"I loved you, I had gotten so damn addicted to you, I didn't see any opportunity to win you back otherwise. Not that I thought it would work but-"

Then silence overflowed us.

"How did you feel when Zarah died?" Her ever so quiet voice broke the silence after a moment. Curiosity lingering on her face.

I stared at her. "She'd become one of my best friends over time, so how did you think I felt?"

While she was opening her mouth to reply, I quickly cut her off rolling my eyes. "That was rhetorical."

"How I felt, it weren't feelings anymore, I felt so lost, I really didn't know what to do."

"And it pained me to know that I wasn't there to protect her, hell even you, from those things happening."

I scoffed and shook my head. "And then, after all this time seeing you by Zarah's grave. I don't know, it released my anger again."

"All those time I worked my ass off to get over it, to try to forget you. But you came in my life again and with a snap of your fingers, all my feelings were running loose again." I angrily bit my lip, trying to stop my trembling lip before continuing. "I hate that I hurt you, so much that you felt like telling me about the messages you'd get, wasn't an option. That you had no one you could trust enough for that."

"I hated the fact that with you in my life my nightmares came back quicker and heavier, I can't even properly think straight because I'm so fucking tired all the time, I'm too scared to sleep."

"I wanted to hate you for it, but I couldn't. I still can't. The whole problem was me. I was being so immature and I despised the feelings that I got when I'm with you, but I couldn't help it." A sad smile lingered on my lips while I looked at the ground, afraid to hear her reaction.

I swallowed. "It was easy to blame you when I really was the problem."

"I felt disgusted with myself, but I didn't know how to get out of it. It felt like I was drowning and you weren't there to save me."

Her hand made its way to my arm.

"Ryder."

And in that one word she put so much of her emotions, that for a second it felt like we had our connection back.