a new morning

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tuesday 5.02am

E. Ryder are you awake?

R. no why everly

E. We need to talk about this before we get to work.

R. oh but do we?

E. Please Ryder, don't do this again.
E. I thought we talked about this.

R. ever, listen i was drunk ok?

E. Oh and now you have sobered up?

R. what
R. ever, i can't do this right now, i have to
at least get some sleep.

E. Oh now I want to talk, you suddenly can't?

R. it's not like that and u know it

E. Stop the bullshit and tell me what's been on your mind lately.
E. I know somethings eating you up.
E. Please tell me?

R. why r u always so annoying about it
R. just let me be

E. I would. If only you won't text me every time you get drunk or get high.
E. Were you lying or not, last night?

R. u can't blame me for stuff i do when im drunk
R. i wasn't

E. Yes I can. You said yourself you knew what you were doing.
E. Why did you say it?

R. i know
R. i couldn't get u off my mind yesterday, vodka made it seem like a good
idea at the time.
R. i couldn't sleep for shit

E. I know Ryder. I couldn't sleep either.
E. I'm sorry.

R. if someone had to say sorry its most certainly not u ev.
R. i hope u realize its all my fault

E. Still. I did things wrong too.
E. What is your fault?

R. the whole bet thing

E. I know where it was coming from Ryder.
E. As much as I have been hurting, I'm trying to give this all a place. I know your coping habits weren't healthy but the fact you constantly show how much sorry you're for it, is already more than I ever could've asked for.

R. i get it
R. i hope you know how i hate myself
for all the things i've caused you.

E. The pain is not you per se, it's also everything with Zarah. I miss her everyday.

R. i know u do, i miss her too

E. I feel so bad about not telling anyone.
E. Especially because deep down I knew that I still could've told you. Even if we weren't friends I could've done it just for Zarah. 

R. i wasn't exactly the most trustworthy
person in that position

E. Yeah, but knowing I could have done something.. I could've had her alive.

R. its not ur fault
R. her father would've hurted
her either way, ev.
R. maybe there was a way but u were threatened too okay

E. But why did you call me out for being the murderer then?

R. its easy to blame someone ur not that close to anymore. it was wrong
R. i was so mad at myself that i probably would've gone full psycho if it wasn't for me to convert that anger onto.
R. i hate that i've let it come that far
R. if it wasn't for the boys i probably wouldn't have been awoken from that vicious circle.
R. why don't you answer?

E. I'm trying to give all this a place.
E. Can we please talk about this all once again in person? I'm tired.

R. thats okay
seen

-

R. Everly, i know you are not tired. i know you, i know how much you overthink and this was very much information at once. you're now laying down in bed and still overthinking our conversation.  and that's okay, i know you need that time. you don't have to make up excuses for it.

- a text already typed but never sent

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