[CLOSED] Helping Hands Critique Journal

11. Before We Split Up

IMPORTANT NOTICE:
I am not a professional writer and/or critic. My evaluation and opinion will be based on my observation. Do note that some information about the story will be redacted in order to preserve some of the story's highlights, and to not let out spoilers which will ruin other readers' reading experience.

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Author: EniHm_06
Story: Before We Split Up
Critic: NobodyElse2
Critique Released: March 26, 2020
Parts Read: 10 Parts
Book Status: Completed

TITLE
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It's quite a good title. Though it's predictable, it's catchy and mysterious. I don't have anything to say here, I hope the plot is relative as to why the author has given this title.

BOOK COVER
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For me, the book cover is okay. The portrayers are Koreans so I have nothing against that. I will just be particular in the font style because it's a mess and not catchy. The colors are everywhere. I may suggest to the author to stick to one color only.

BLURB
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The blurb is awesome. The poem is really relatable and catchy. Again, it's predictable. Still, emotions are there and it's good.

CHARACTERIZATION
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Having the character's own voice, you have to be careful about using the right words for them. One wrong move and it's not good anymore. You have to think what are the words Ramme would say that Nikkus or the other characters wouldn't. I hope you understand that.

PLOT
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I would say that the plot is predictable and cliche. Nikkus wanted a divorce but Ramme won't. She loves Nikkus that's why she wants to spend time with him for the last time—which she planned to make Nikkus fall in love with her in a short period of time. Even the twist is predictable, as well.

Ramme is not an evil person for me. She's sweet, loving, and only wants for Nikkus' attention. When she met Patricia, she knew that her husband loves the other woman dearly than her. On the other hand, Nikkus doesn't know how to man up. He has a relationship with someone even he's still committed to his wife. Nikkus' voice is vicious but because of his choice of words, I'm not impressed with him. 

The ending is quite good, I'm impressed. I just wish that the transition of events wasn't that fast. Good job, author.

GRAMMAR/
NARRATION/
DIALOGUE
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•First, in the grammar section—I've observed the dialogue and action tag weren't properly implemented. 

Dialogue tag:

"Krispin, mahal kita," pag-amin ni Lila. (Whenever it's dialogue tag, you'll use a comma. You'll use a comma when the dialogue tag are wika, sabi ni, aniya, anito, ani, etc.)

Action Tag:

"Lintik na buhay ito!" Sinuntok ni Gregory ang kaniyang kamay sa dingding. (In action tag, you'll never use a comma instead the action tag's first letter will be upper case. All actions are considered in action tag.)

• Second, in the prologue section—I've observed that it's quite a length for an introduction in the story. I suggest if it's necessary or it can't be cut out, the author should make it as chapter one.

Corrections:

• Shit (Don't make it beautiful with an asterisk, sh*t is still a shit lol)

• "Pinagbigyan ko na sila noon sa pamamagitan ng pagpapakasal kay Ramme para mamerge ang kompanya namin at kompanya ng pamilya ni Ramme." (Redundancy is a no-no. Maybe you can shorten this because it has one objective. Like, "Pinagbigyan ko na sila noon sa kahilingan nilang pakasalan ko si Ramme para sa pagme-merge ng aming kompanya.")

• nag-react

• There are a few grammar errors. I suggest you use Grammarly, a free app that's very useful in checking pure English grammar errors. 

• The choice of words is necessary. You can change the Ramme and Nikkus' choice of words by reading the context out loud. Because for me, the words aren't too painful or emotional. I think you just meant to write it and be read by readers, yet there's no emotion because the choice of words is messy and juvenile. I suggest you choose the right words for the married couple that would relate to how they feel in the situation. If that makes sense...

• Please study the proper use of nang at ng.

NOVELTY
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I've read a story that has a plot closer to this. So I think that it's not novel. If the twist isn't predictable maybe it would change everything.

OVERALL EVALUATION
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This story is cliche and juvenile. I've observed that the author used the wrong choice of words for the story that's why it's lame and not interesting. The emotional impact was low because there's so much lacking from the very start. Choice of words is necessary, even the point was there, it's still not enough because there's no substance in it. I hope you understand my evaluation. On the bright side, I think that everything is in the author's control. It can be improved. Read writing tips, read your story out loud to pinpoint what's lacking within, plan the character's voice and characterization, etc. I hope next time I read your story, this would be great and better.

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What do you think of my criticism? I want to hear your review as well ↪

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